WARNING: REALLY LONG POST. NO KIDDING.

I was going to do an entry about Brokeback Mountain today, but seeing that the Man Blog already beat me to it (yes, I’m bitter), I’m gonna post it some other day.

What the hell, here we go.

Brokeback Mountain

I went to see Brokeback with my girlfriend. I must say it was well made; however, I think there was something missing. Before you say “more gay sex”, that’s not it. I think that for the length and pace of the movie, it didn’t give itself time to sink into the audience. I left the theater saying “That was it?”. I guess I raised my expectations too much. Always happens when I watch Ang Lee flicks.

Here are some things that they could have changed with Brokeback that would have made it into a much better movie:

Brokeback Mountain in 15 Minutes


***
OBLIGATORY DISCLAIMER:
This entry contains content not suitable for minors.
If you are a minor this warning is put up for you
to find the unsuitable content better.
***

Ennis is sitting beside a trailer. A car comes up, and Jack goes out of it and poses… weirdly.

Jack: Hi, I’m Jack Fuckin’ Twist. For the first half of the film I’ll be looking at you with meaningful glances, do poses that will make my crotch bulge, and chase after men. Especially you, you hot piece of man. For the next half, I’ll grow a mustache, a pot belly, and act just like a total perv.

Ennis: Hi, I’m Ennis del Mar. For the rest of the film my accent will make every thing that comes out of my mouth unintelligible.

Jack: Erm… cool.


Inside Boss’ Trailer

Boss: I want the two of you to go to Brokeback Mountain and take care of my sheep.

Ennis: So that’s all we have to do?

Boss: No, I want the two of you to be bored like hell so when you get uncontrollable sexual urges you’ll have to do it on each other.

Jack: We can’t do it to the sheep?

Boss: Do it on the mumbling hot piece of man beside you.

Ennis: No way. I’m getting married when I get down from Brokeback.

Jack: I’ll break your back, you hot piece of man.

Ennis: What?

Jack: …nothing.

On Brokeback Mountain. Night. Ennis is shivering. Jack is inside a tent.

Jack: Come inside before you freeze to death, you hot piece of man.

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Ennis: *mumble mumble mumble*

Jack: *kisses*

Ennis: WTF?! I ain’t queer, man!

Jack: So am I.

Ennis: Really? Then take your pants off. We’re both straight anyway.

*CENSORED*

Audience: *barfs*

Otakus: Wee! Yaoi! *SQUEEE!*

Ade: Yay! Buttsex!

Ade’s Girlfriend: …I’m scarred for life.


Ennis is getting married to Alma.

Priest: You may now kiss the bride. If you don’t I’ll kiss her myself.

Ennis: I’ll kiss YOU, you hot piece of man.

Priest: I would be mightily offended if I can only understand what you’re saying.

Alma: … I think there’s something wrong with my husband.

At a bar. Jack Twist is drowning out his sorrows in whiskey.

Jack: *cries* I miss Ennis. *cries* Oooh, that guy on the other side of the bar is hot. SQUEEE!

Guy: …get away from me.

Jack: Dammit. I miss Ennis. *cries*

Lureen: Hey cowboy, I’m Lureen! I’m a rich kid! I’m a rodeo queen! I’m a former teen star but now I do nude scenes! I’ll change my hair color scene after scene! Want a piece of me?

Jack: …Ennis who?

Jack and Lureen making out in car.

Lureen: Well, what are you waiting for?

Jack: Waittasec… You’re not a guy… but what the hell… Rawr!

*CENSORED*

Lureen: *SQUEEE!!!*

Audience: Yay! Boobies!

Ade’s Girlfriend: At least Ade isn’t cheering for buttsex anymo-

Ade: More buttsex! Wee!

Ade’s Girlfriend: …

Ennis’ house, years after Brokeback.

Ennis: Hmm… a postcard from Jack.

Postcard: Let’s go back to Brokeback, you hot piece of man.

Ennis: Hey honey, me and Jack will go to Brokeback and make out… I mean, go fishing. Yep, that’s it. Fishing. Totally fishing.

Alma: Ok, you can go and make out… I mean, go fishing. Yep, that’s it. Fishing. Totally fishing. Even though your five-year old fishing rod still has its price tag on.

Ennis: Mmmmm… Fishing rod… *drools*

Alma: …

Jack: Ennis! I’m here!

Ennis: *jumps like a fangirl* Jack Fuckin’ Twist! *hugs*

Alma: How come he never does THAT to me?!

Jack & Ennis: *kisses passionately*

Alma: …I’m screwed.


At Brokeback Mountain, 20 years later.

Jack: I now have a moustache and a potbelly. I look like some pervy creepy old guy. But Ennis, damn, you’re still looking young, you hot piece of man. How do you do it?!

Ennis: My wife divorced me, took my kids, and put my life savings on child support. I’m living in a house that looks like a garbage dump. My wife is now married to a guy who looks like a CareBears reject, and she actually knows what we’re really doing when we’re… Fishing. Yep, that’s it. Fishing. Totally fishing. You better try it one of these days.

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Jack: You never have time for me! *cries* I wish I knew how to quit you.

Ennis: *foreheadslap*

At the post office. Enis is looking at the latest postcard from Jack.

Postcard: Ennis, let’s meet up again and go… fishing. Yep, that’s it. Fishing. Totally fishing.

Ennis: How come this postcard is stamped “DECEASED”?

Postcard: It means your boyfriend is dead, moron.

Ennis: No fair! I want my postcards to be marked that way too!

Postcard: …

Ennis’ house.

Alma Jr.: Dad, I’m getting married to Chuck. Can you go to my wedding?

Ennis: So, is this Chuck guy of yours hot?

Alma Jr.: DA-AAD!!!

Ennis: No way. I’m going… fishing. Yep, that’s it. Fishing. Totally fishing.

Alma Jr.: But Jack’s dead.

Ennis: Dammit. OK then.

Alma Jr.: SQUEEE!!! JUMP JUMP JUMP! HUG HUG HUG!

Ennis: Ok kid, now leave ‘coz I’m gonna look at the jacket of my dead boyfriend and emote.

Alma Jr.: SQUEEE!!! JUMP JUMP JUMP! HUG HUG HUG!

Ennis: Leave me alone! I have to do my big scene where I barely cry!

Alma Jr.: SQUEEE!!! JUMP JUMP JUMP! HUG HUG HUG!

Ennis: Stop it kid! We have to end this movie!

Alma Jr.: SQUEEE!!! JUMP JUMP JUMP! HUG HUG HUG! *leaves*


Ennis looks at Jack’s jacket.

Ennis: Jack, I’m supposed to be saying something meaningful right now, but I’m mumbling in my annoying accent so you won’t understand what I’m saying. But if I ever get to see you again in that big Brokeback Mountain in the sky, let’s go… fishing. Yep, that’s it. Fishing. Totally fishing.

THE END