BEOWULF IN 5 MINUTES
(SORRY)

 
 
 
INT. Heorot, ancient Denmark. Inside a great hall, where people are naked, getting drunk, having hot torrid sex, and acting like total douchebags. Yes, this is a children’s film. Enjoy.
 
 
 

KING HROTHGAR
My dear Danes! Let us all get drunk,
have orgies, get herpes, and pass out!
For I have promised you a great hall of lust,
and here it is! YAY!
 
 
 
QUEEN WEALTHEOW
Also, I’ll just sit here beside the king
watching you all act stupid.
You’ll all die later anyway. Lollerskates.
 
 
 
DRUNK DANES
We’re too piss drunk to hear what you’re saying.
Whatever.
Moar mead yayz!

 
 
 
SCENE: GRENDEL, a horribly disfigured creature, crashes into the hall.
 
 
 

GRENDEL
WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!
 
 
 
DRUNK DANES
THE GRENDEL!
HELP! ZOMG WE’RE GONNA DIE!
 
 
 
KING HROTHGAR
Can’t speak. Drunk.
Passed out. Snore.

 
 
 
SCENE: Beowulf at sea. On a very large boat.
 
 
 

BEOWULF
I AM BEOWULLLLLLFFFF!!111one

 
 
 
SCENE: The next morning. KING HROTHGAR is overseeing the closing up of the hall of lust. Behind him, bodies of dead DANES are being piled up and burned into a great big pyre.
 
 
 

KING HROTHGAR
My dear Danes, because half our population
gets wiped out every time we have these
awesomiffic orgies inside these halls of lust,
I forbid anybody to go in here and get drunk.
No merrymaking and no secks LOLZ!
 
 
 
DANES
BOOOO!
 
 
 
KING HROTHGAR
“BOOOO!” my ass.
I if I catch anybody sneaking in,
I will have him killed.
 
 
 
INSIGNIFICANT DANE
Not even one small orgy?
 
 
 
KING HROTHGAR
Let me think

No.
 
 
 
DANES
Isn’t there anyone who can help
us out of this stupid mess?
 
 
 
KING HROTHGAR
I need a hero!
I’m holding out for a hero ‘til the end of the night!
He’s gotta be strong, and he’s gotta be fast,
and he’s gotta be fresh from the fight
 
 
 
BEOWULF
I am here!
And I will save you from Grendel!
 
 
 
DANES
ZOMG A HERO!
 
 
 
KING HROTHGAR
Okay, what is your name, oh great warrior?
 
 
 
BEOWULF
My name is BEOWULF! I am a Geat!
 
 
 
KING HROTHGAR
And what is it you ask in return,
oh great geek?
 
 
 
BEOWULF
A GEAT! GEAT! GEAAAAT!
I want to kill Grendel, and to win glory.
Then I will eat your famous meat.
 
 
 
KING HROTHGAR

 
 
 
BEOWULF
Wait! No, I didn’t mean THAT meat, I meant–
 
 
 
KING HROTHGAR

 
 
 
BEOWULF

Crap.

 
 
 
SCENE The Mead Hall (of lust) being reopened and cleaned.
 
 
 

UNFERTH
I am Unferth, son of Ecglaf!
 
 
 
BEOWULF
Who are you again?
Amfefe, son of Eclavu?
 
 
 
UNFERTH

 
 
 
QUEEN WEALTHEOW
Beowulf, i’m looking at you in a very lustful
manner because I have the hots for you.
Also, I have a fat and drunk husband with a micropenis.
 
 
 
KING HROTHGAR
Also, if you kill Grendel, you can bang my wife.
 
 
 
BEOWULF
Awesome. I take my clothes off then.
 
 
 
QUEEN WEALTHEOW
Holy shit look at the size of that—
 
 
 

QUEEN WEALTHEOW runs away.

 
 
 
GRENDEL
WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!
 
 
 
NAKED BEOWULF
THAT’S GRENDEL?
WHAT AN UGLY!
 
 
 
GRENDEL
WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!
ALSO, I CAN ACTUALLY SPEAK
IN SOME OLD ENGLISH DIALECT
THAT THE AUDIENCE CAN NEVER UNDERSTAND!
 
 
 
AUDIENCE
What the hell did he just say?
 
 
 
NAKED BEOWULF
Eh? Beats me.
 
 
 

NAKED BEOWULF rips off Grendel’s arm. Grendel runs away in pain.

 
 
 
GRENDEL
WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!
 
 
 
KING HROTHGAR
Good work, BEOWULF.
 
 
 
BEOWULF
Thank you.
I can has bang your wife nao?
 
 
 
KING HROTHGAR
Let me think.

No.
 
 
 
BEOWULF
What?
But you promised!
 
 
 
KING HROTHGAR
Grendel’s mother is still alive.
Kill her muna.
This Beowulf character,
what a not thinking. LOLZ.

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SCENE: Some cave with water at the floor. Gold is scattered all over, and it is dark.
 
 
 

BEOWULF
Lumos!
 
 
 

MYSTICAL DRAGON HORN CUP lights up.

 
 
 
BEOWULF
Awesome.
Didn’t know these spells work here too.
 
 
 
GRENDEL’S MOTHER
I am the mother of the beast you slayed.
Since you killed my son,
you will make me another.
 
 
 
BEOWULF
What? No way! You are a demon!
I don’t do demons!
Okay, me and that dog last week–
I was drunk then okay?
 
 
 
GRENDEL’S MOTHER
I also look like Angelina Jolie.
And I am naked.
Secks?
 
 
 
BEOWULF
K.

 
 
 
SCENE: At the hall of lust. Five hours later.
 
 
 

BEOWULF
And I banged the shit
out of Grendel’s mother!
 
 
 
KING HROTHGAR
Wait, I thought I told you to KILL
the mother, not have sex with it?
 
 
 
BEOWULF
I did, I… I… I banged her!
With my sword!
I used my great sword to
cut a hole in her!
 
 
 
KING HROTHGAR
K.

 
 
 
KING HROTHGAR jumps from the ledge of the hall of lust and kills himself dead ZOMG!
 
 
 

DANES
OMGWTFBBQ!
Our king is dead!
 
 
 
BEOWULF
Lolz I knoes okay?
Lolz what a retard.
 
 
 
DANES
BEOWULF! Be our king!
 
 
 
BEOWULF

Crap.

 
 
 
SCENE: Heorot 30 years later.
 
 
 

BEOWULF
Okay, I’ve been king for 30 years already.
I also have a hot wife, an underage mistress,
and all the gold and secks I want. Why am I bored?
 
 
 
WIGLAF
I dunno.
Maybe because you’re a
big lying douchebag?
 
 
 
BEOWULF

Shut up.
 
 
 
DANE
ZOMG A DRAGON IS BURNING UP THE TOWN!
HE SAYS HE’S YOUR SON!
 
 
 
BEOWULF
What? My son?
 
 
 
DRAGON
RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWWWWR!
 
 
 

BEOWULF rides the dragon and stabs the dragon’s heart.

 
 
 
DRAGON
RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWWWWR!
 
 
 
BEOWULF
Yay I killed the dragon!
I AM BEOWULF!!11

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THE DRAGON and BEOWULF freefall 200 feet at 120 kph.
 
 
 

BEOWULF
I AM BEOWULF!!1
I RULE!1one

 
 
 
Again. THE DRAGON and BEOWULF fall 200 feet at 120 kph. In a fatal freefall.
 
 
 

BEOWULF
Yay I killed the dragon!

 
 
 
Freefall. 200 feet. 120 kph. Beowulf will probably die.
 
 
 

BEOWULF
Wait, what?

 
 
 
Beowulf will probably die. This Beowulf guy, what a not thinking. LOLZ.
 
 
 

BEOWULF

Crap.

 
 
 
FADE OUT
 
 
 

AUDIENCE
(WAKING UP FROM DEEP SLUMBER)
Oh, it’s finished? Good. That was BORING.
Know what we don’t get about this movie?
The crew motioned-captured the cast and took great pains
in making the CGI characters look exactly
like the actors they began with. WTF?
 
 
 
DIRECTOR
I dunno. Coz it’s cool?
 
 
 
AUDIENCE
Yeah it was.
But it was boring cool, ya know?
We wanted, I dunno, “whoa!” cool.
 
 
 
DIRECTOR
At least I made millions out of you.
 
 
 
AUDIENCE

 
 
 
DIRECTOR
Pwnt.

 
 
 
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