So after a week of (unsuccessfully) avoiding spoilers, I finally decided to finally go and watch the latest Star Trek movie. So the girlfriend was unavailable and I had nobody else to watch it with, which is why I went to the cinema alone. I tell you, it can get pretty awkward. I went, all alone, to a movie which is notorious to have a massive fanbase composed of reputed virgins.

Typical Trekkie
“Hi, I’m here to talk to you about my penis.”

Also, have I ever mentioned that crowds scare the shit out of me? Yeah, I hate it when crowds become all crowd-like and become composed of lots of people. I get uneasy and and shiver and cringe. Ok, not really, but I still hate crowds. So to prevent people from thinking that I’m some loser who goes off reading Star Trek wikis in between the Picard/Kirk erotic fanfic, I decided to act nonchalant.

In fact, if somebody was to talk to me about how awesome the film was, I was planning to answer “You mean this is a space adventure film? I thought it was going to be filled with weird human-alien tentacle sex! Just the way me and my… harem of hot girls like it!”

Yeah, I am so NOT going to be branded a weirdo with that witty answer.

Anyway, because of my dislike of crowds and their judgmental stares, I chose the seat which is totally empty in that unused corner of the cinema. I am going to avoid crowds like hell tonight! Huzzah! I am going to- dammit, why is there a group of people right next to my chair? I sheepishly sat down, and tried my best to avoid their eyes.

I realized that I sat next to a girl who was eyeing me with suspicion. I grinned at her sheepishly, and showed her my ticket. I pointed at the seat number on it, and pointed to the chair I was sitting on. And I gave her another charming sheepish grin, while I was pointing down to my- wait, I was pointing not to my chair, but to my crotch. My goddamn crotch. While giving her a creepy smile.

Oh, shit.

Scared Girl
“So, uh, hi- WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?!”

I won’t reveal more, but let’s just say it involved the Shocker, mall security, a few buckets of flying popcorn, and a Vulcan nerve pinch.

And the movie? When I finally came to, it was near the end of the film. The audience was giving Star Trek a standing ovation, so I guess it must be good.

The security officers who were dragging me out of the cinema said so too.

I guess I’ll do my future movie-watching via satellite tv.

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