Being thrust into singlehood recently after two years of awesomeness, I started dating again. And here’s what I realized: I have no absofuckinglutely no idea how to deal with women. I can’t talk to them without the awkward moment of silence with the ominous “somebody’s gonna get slapped with a restraining order and possibly be thrown into prison and buttraped by twenty convicts later” feeling.
Case in point: I just had this conversation over YM with a friend just now:
NICK: heard you had a date
ADE: It’s NOT a date. I won’t date her. It’d be like incest. Not even for the secks!!1
NICK: too much information
ADE: uh, no
ADE: if i told you I’m having cyber sex right now with a swimsuit model from brazil and I’m whacking off my 5 inches, that would be TMI
ADE: …. right?
Nick has logged off the chat session
And in a moment of enlightened smoothness, I actually copy and paste that previous conversation to Ingrid. And this conversation ensues:
ADE: I don’t have five inches. M’kay?
ADE: I think it’s around…
ADE: I don’t know, lemme check it for you–
INGRID: stop it
Ah, yes. I am God’s gift to women.
Most action I’ve had in a long time
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- ‘Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice’ Fails Miserably.