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I was enjoying answering all those silly funny questions a random stranger would often throw my way, until the day I woke up with a massive hangover and no memory whatsoever of what happened the night before. All I know is that I was on my computer, happily drunk-typing the night away. I immediately opened up my browsing history, and what I saw scared the beejeebus out of me:

Dear Ashley,

Hi. Remember me? I’m Ade. Am I glad to find you here on! We met back in college. Remember the party that Lloyd threw? The one where Sheena ended up puking all over your dress? That’s the one I was talking about. I just want you to know that I spiked Sheena’s orange juice. Didn’t know she had a low alcohol tolerance. Sorry.

Also, yeah, I know I had whiskey dick that night, and you promised to call me back once we’re sober but you never did. What the heck is up with that?


Dear Ashley,

So I spend three hours maniacally refreshing my email inbox in the hope that you’d remember me and answer my question. But then I realized that you may not recognize me from my profile pic – I was a lot thinner back then. Or bringing up the topic of my alcohol induced erectile dysfunction wasn’t really a great way to open up a conversation after half a decade of no contact. Way to go, Ade, you asshole. So yeah, I’m sorry for bringing that up. I just hope you’re ok and all.

P.S. Did I get to finger you back in that party? I was really smashed and I don’t remember much.


Dear Ashley,

We’re really getting off to a bad start here. I know, I know, I shouldn’t have asked you about the fingering thing. I mean we were both smashed and you even had puke all over you. I don’t even know how we managed to stumble out of the party and attempted to hook up, really. Anyway, I’m apologizing for bringing up the fingering question. And the vomit thing. And the whiskey dick.

Now please send me a goddamn reply.



deaR asHhhhhhhLy,

ohgod i’m so sorry i dunno what the hell i’m doingn hioly fuck am i even on the rightb askfm page i’m just so smashed this th is like my 8th botthle of beer dammit fuck did i just say that dammit fuck you beer fuck you fuck youjjbmpimkmmmmmmm mmbmkgkmhgrwnuh dongd dongs dongs dongs

fffuck your stupid dog


Dear Ashley,

Ok, sorry for that last one. Really. I’m having my third espresso now and I think I’m more or less lucid. Sorry, I’m going to stop sending you these creepy questions now and I’ll back off. Also, I don’t know if you have a dog, but I’m apologizing just the same. I’m sure your dog’s not stupid. I mean, if you do have a dog. Dogs, in general, aren’t stupid. They’re adorable.

Unless, you know, you’re a cat person. If you are, well, fuck them dogs. They suck.


Dear Jason,

Holy fuck. How the hell did I confuse your account with Ashley’s? Oh yeah, that profile picture. Of you. And Ashley. Together. At your wedding.

I promise not to spam you anymore if you promise not to bash my face in.

This is awkward, isn’t it?

P.S. How do I delete this stupid Ask.fmaccount?

Okay guys, you can send me stupid questions through account. I publish them over at my Tumblr.

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