RapunzelOnce upon a time in a kingdom far, far, away, a young princess named Rapunzel was trapped in a high tower. Her hair was radiant, like sunshine in a darkened room. Her skin was as white as can be, and she was absolutely beautiful. She was trapped in this tower for five years, and she was as bored out of her wits. She ran out of Maria Ozawa videos to watch already, and besides, she hasn’t seen a single soul since she was trapped in this prison. The Dark Lord Voldemort had trapped her in the tower five years ago when she refused to play with his “magic wand”.

The tower was surrounded by every single thing that can pretty much protect it from rescuers, intruders, and looting blacks: moats, alligators, a tropical jungle, gigantic flash-eating sentient thorny plants, well-endowed superhuman rapist Koreans, and Teri Hatcher (who apparently hates the Philippines).

Once every two weeks or so, somebody would usually try to rescue Rapunzel, but to no avail. They all seem to get lost within the jungle and are eaten by the gigantic flash-eating sentient thorny plants. Every now and then though somebody gets past the security measues. Yes, they can get past the Koreans even. But nobody can’t seem to get past Teri Hatcher, who screams “Look! A diploma-holder from some medical school from the Philippines!” before she murders the poor sap.

But it is all about to change. A young prince from the enchanted kingdom of The Enchanted Kingdom named Andrew had heard of the story of Rapunzel. In fact, he was able to view Rapunzel via webcam the week before and he had fallen madly in love with her. His Livejournal had been filled with love soliloquies for the princess ever since.

But this story doesn’t have anything to do with Rapunzel, Lord Voldemort, or Andrew.

This story is actually all about a young child named Little Red Riding Hood, who, once upon a time, was walking down the forests of Middle-Earth. She was bringing a basket of aspirin and various goodies for her Uncle Rip Van Winkle, who seems to have drank too much beer and is now piss drunk. After drawing various graffiti on her unconscious uncle’s face, taking pictures of him, and uploading the pictures to her Flickr, she decides to be a good kid and buy some aspirin. Because Rip Van Winkle’s definitely gonna wake up with a horrible headache sooner or later and he’ll be cranky. She hates it when her uncle’s cranky.

On the way back to her cottage, she meets a bear. A rather frisky bear.

“Hello little girl!” the bear says. “What a lovely day today. Where are you going, and is that beer you’re carrying?”

“Why yes, mister bear this is beer!” Little Red Riding Hood answers rather enthusiastically, to the bear’s delight. “I’m also on my way home, so I can give my Uncle Rip Van Winkle the aspirin and when he feels better, the beer is ready so that he can pass out again.”

“Awesome,” the bear replied. “How’s about I accompany you home? What say you?”

Little Red Riding Hood, unaware of the dangers of hanging out with carnivorous and amorous bears, agreed. So the two of them walked, or rather, skipped, along the length of the yellow brick road. The bear, being a smooth talker, managed to distract Little Red Riding Hood into taking a wrong turn. The bear was excited. The girl was stupid, or at least naive. That makes things easier. A lot easier. He imagined the girl’s uncle at home, worried and all. He realized that the uncle might alert the village watch of this, and they’ll figure out that it was his handiwork. He must take care of the uncle later.

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Meanwhile, Uncle Rip Van Winkle was busy snoring, blissfully unaware of his surroundings.

Unbeknownst to the bear, a shadowy figure was tailing them. He was observing the bear for some time now, and he was not going to let the stupid little girl become his next victim. He’s gonna save that girl at any cost, or his name isn’t Chuck “Fucking” Norris. He spent five weeks tailing that bear without any sleep – he doesn’t sleep, he waits – and he’s not gonna let that bear go. Also the fur looks nice.

Mr. Norris – or Chuck, as he prefers to be called – silently crawled towards the bear. He wasn’t making any noise. Chuck makes noises only when he wants to. And just as he was about to pummel the bear to Kingdom Come, a crowd of people suddenly went in between Chuck and the bear.

“Goddamned PETA,” Chuck growled. “How the hell am I supposed to roundhouse kick this goddamned bear back to creation when these seductive naked women are all around me? Fuck.”

“But we won’t let you hurt this poor bear, you evil but awesome B-movie actor!” said the naked women seductively. “Can’t you see we don’t want you killing this bear for fur?!”

“What the fuck are you women ranting about?” Chuck screamed awesomely. “I’m not after the fur, that bear’s about to eat that kid!”

The women were so shocked that they dropped the tarpaulin that they used to cover themselves with. Chuck raised his left eyebrow, gave a rather amorous grin, and seeing the dangerously oversized tent growing on his pants, the girls scattered. The distraction worked– Chuck spent too much time trying to fend off the PETA women that he was not able to notice the bear disappearing with Little Red Riding Hood. They were nowhere to be found.

For being able to distract the Chuck Norris and subsequently making his escape, the bear gains +67 EXP and makes LEVEL 12!

Chuck was frustrated at the fact that he let a bear, a fricking bear, get the better of him. He was roundhouse kicking various trees and mountain ranges to dust when he sees a young blonde girl. Thinking it must be Little Red Riding Hood, he walks up to her.

“Little Red Riding Hood?” he asked.

“Little Red Riding Hood? Like, no, eeew!” the girl replied. “I’m Goldilocks! Can’t you see what I’m wearing? I’m like wearing a yellow checkered dress. Does your Little Red Riding Hood wear that? Also, I don’t get ingested by wolves. Yuck. I, like, get thrown of out houses by bears. And, like, get arrested for, like, breaking and entering. Also, these places had these, like, weird chairs. Some chairs were too hard, too soft. Also their porridge. Too hot, too cold. Those bears have weird tastes, I tell you.”

“Bears? Speaking of bears, did you like see– I mean, did you see a bear pass by carrying a girl, your age and height, wearing a red parka?”

“Yeah! It was, like, horrible.” Goldilocks shuddered.

“You mean she’s, like– you mean she’s dead?” Chuck asked, aghast.

“No! She’s, like, alive. I don’t, like, care, I’m talking about her parka. I mean, she has like horrible fashion sense. Ewww!”

“…”

“You don’t, like, pair a red parka with a green blouse with orange polka-dots! It- it- it’s horrible!”

“Look, Goldicocks–”

“Goldilocks. Goldicocks is my brother. He was named so because it was just right. Not too big, not too small. It was just the right size, about this–”

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“Okay okay, GoldiLOCKS, I need to know where the bear went. I need to save that kid.”

“They went, um, south. Just look for a cottage cheese cottage. I broke into that house before. You sure you don’t want to hear about my brother’s–”

“No thanks, kid. Go away.”

As Goldilocks disappeared into the mist of the enchanted forest, a question popped into Chuck’s mind. He has to ask it, or he’ll probably go insane.

“Wait, your brother’s really named Goldicocks?”

***

Two hours later, Chuck finally saw a cottage cheese cottage. He had to rescue the girl immediately. Her uncle must be so worried by now.

Meanwhile, Uncle Rip Van Winkle was still busy snoring, blissfully unaware of the fact that his niece was in mortal danger.

Chuck peeks into a window, and he sees not one, but three bears. Little Red Riding Hood was there, looking all scared.

“Damn,” he cursed. “Papa, Mama, and Baby bear. Goddamn furries.”

He decides that there is no other way to rescue the girl than to act NOW. He bursts through the door, screaming “This is Chuck ‘Fucking’ Norris! Release the girl or I’ll roundhouse kick you to the edge of the universe!”

Mama bear springs toward Chuck, growling like somebody’s stomach after eating nothing but beans for a month. Chuck easily dodges a swipe from the bear’s clawed paw, only to receive a painful uppercut from the other paw. Chuck falls to the ground, writhing in pain. The bear attempts to deliver a crushing blow, but he rolls out of the way and lands a roundhouse kick square at the bear’s snout.

Mama bear disappears in a flash of light.

For sending Mama bear to the edge of the universe, Chuck Norris gains +100 EXP.

“Mama Bear!” Papa Bear cries. “What did you do to my wife, you scoundrel?”

“I roundhouse kicked her to the edge of the universe. And I’ll do the same to you if you don’t give the girl up, fool.”

“You killed my wife!” The bear screams.

“No, I didn’t. I just sent her to the edge–”

“Does the edge of the universe have oxygen? You fucking killed her!”

“No I didn’t! I merely sent her to the edge of the– oh.”

“See? I hate you! I fricking hate you!”

“Please don’t hate me. :(”

“Well, Mr. Norris, you killed my wife. I think kind of makes it hard for me to not hate you.”

“If I told you I love you, will you stop hating me?”

“Let me think about it. Okay. *tee-hee* Kiss me?”

“Um. Okay,” Chuck giggled.

Little Red Riding Hood stood up. Her face was as red as her parka, and she was shaking like she was convulsing. In anger.

“YOU– YOU–” she started “YOU PEOPLE ARE INSANE! NO, NOT JUST INSANE! YOU PEOPLE ARE SICK! GEEZ!”

She throws her basket aside, gives Baby Bear a strong kick in the nuts, and storms out of the front door. She also gains +6 EXP for that kick, but let’s not go into that while she’s in a bad mood. Now, after that fateful day, Chuck and Papa Bear had a wonderful time together. They had a blissful romance, and lots of buttsecks. And rimjobs. And Cleaveland Steamers. And all those gross sexual things that will make the author shudder if he attempts to write more. And they lived happily ever after.