Noisy Noisy Man

Ruining The Internet Since 2005



A Comparative Review of Freshman Masculine Wash and PENI Fresh Male Organ Wash Soap



There comes a time where every man has to stop so he can contemplate about life in general. Of course, that’s a joke. No man ever stops to contemplate life, or if they ever attempt to do so, they usually end up opening up their computer, navigating to their secret porn folder of shame, then whacking off to some video of a German girl with hairy armpits getting banged to shit by five ugly assholes.

And that’s when the epiphany hits: us men touch our dicks day in and day out. Imagine all the dirt that ends up on our wieners. These things need special attention, and no I’m not talking about blowjobs. A special soap for them doohickeys between our legs, it’s what we need.

Fortunately, a couple of enterprising manufacturers have thought of that too, and have given us these pinnacles of civilization:

Freshman Masculine Wash

Freshman Masculine Wash seems to be on the brink of a multimedia advertising campaign to bring the benefits of washing your crotch with their specially formulated wash to the public. In fact, they’ve assembled a handy FAQ to help us plebeians understand why we need to wash our crotches.

They also have the classiest taglines.

They boast that Freshman Masculine Wash has tea tree oil, which “has properties that make it a popular natural agent for curing all three types of infectious organisms: fungus, bacteria, and virus,” and is “capable of penetrating into the lower skin layers with its wound-healing qualities that boosts the immune system and helps in the healing of minor scrapes and wounds.”

I’m not exactly comfortable with buying something that claims to penetrate my penis.

Also, according to the television ad, if you don’t wash your dick with Freshman Masculine Wash, you’re going to itch during the most inopportune times. Like when you’re trying to hit on a girl. Thanks, Freshman Masculine Wash, now I know that when my crotch itches unbearably I actually need to wash my bird down instead of assuming I have some horrible STD.

And if you do manage to finish watching the commercial, you’d be able to know that the wash would leave a minty feeling and smell on the wang. Also, people have been thanking the makers of Freshman Masculine Wash for that minty smell and feel on their Facebook Page:

Not pictured: dignity

You people have no idea how hard it was for me to research and write this shit.

PENI Fresh Antiseptic Male Organ Wash Soap

If Freshman Masculine Wash is the Mercedes Benz of penis washing liquids, PENI Fresh must be the old-beat up jalopy where your grandmother lost her virginity to some douchey kid in its backseat.

Here’s what PENI Fresh is made up of:

Botanical infusion of Philippine herbs, 100% natural vegetable oils, lactic acid, menthe, spring water, tutti-frutti essence.

Awesome. If I want my dick to smell like tutti-fruitti, I know what to buy.

Just check out the text on their website, in case you wanted to know if PENI Fresh is for you:

A must for all ages Teenagers; Bachelors Papas; Lolos Priests Brothers Monks and Gays!

Let’s not even look at the blatant abuse of the semicolon there that I’m sure already constitutes a Geneva Convention violation, let’s look at the fact that they’re selling a soap for wangs to priests and monks. Priests and monks.

I mean, what are they going to use that for?

SMELL THE TUTTI-FRUITTI OF ETERNAL SALVATION, SON. SMELL IT!

I’ll stop now and let the horrors of that mental image consume your soul in anguish for all eternity.

UPDATE: So I just found out that the poster with that classy Freshmen’s tagline was actually just a spoof by Jonas Diego. Yo, Freshmen guys, use that tagline!

28 Comments

  1. Haha, your words makes me laugh so hard until the last photo came up and I roll on the floor. LOL

    Thanks for sharing this wash wash wash. :-D I want a tutti-frutti smell. Haha

  2. Fantastic, Ade. I'm now gonna buy BOTH of 'em. 'Coz there's nothing like half a penis smelling like tea tree, and the other half smelling like tutti frutti.

  3. It's not a review if you didn't try them for yourself!

    Do it, Ade! DO IT!

  4. now I need a brain soap to wash out all memory of having read this -_-;

  5. LOL at that screencap and ROFL for the reply of the Freshman team. Tutti-fruiti. Say again? TUTTI-FRUITTI TITI!!! KABOG!

  6. Awesome. Simply awesome. :)

  7. ultraglideinblack

    July 13, 2010 at 1:05 am

    Ade, this is gold. DUDE. Let's try this out… as a band. And then we'll be endorsers. And we'll get paid. And we'll have groupies because our cocks smell nice.

  8. Isusubo mo sa bango?

    Hayup sa tagline.

  9. Shameful admission: I saw Freshman's annoying TV ad at least a few dozen times during the NBA playoffs and never realized that "masculine wash" means "crotch soap." I just assumed that it's some kind of generic body wash. So… thanks for enlightening me.

    I like "PENI Fresh" better. That name is a lot less subtle.

  10. I love TUTTI-FRUITTI !!! I didn't know birds can smell like tutti-fruitti too…

  11. So what's the verdict Ade? Freshman or PENI Fresh?

  12. Where’s the “actual review pics” ???!!

  13. i would hate it if my d!ck smells tutti-fruitty. nice research ade! this is one of my favorite post. really funny.

  14. nasubukan mo ade?

  15. Ade,

    This is my first time here on your blog and this is the first post that I read. Haha. You are hilarious. You are like the female version of me. LOL. I like how you are witty and funny without sounding bastos or sleazy.

    Ok, adulation ends here.

    LOL.

    Anyway, I remember running out of feminine wash midway into my vajayjay washing section. So what I did was I used toothpaste. Haha! It felt minty cool and squeaky clean. Haha. You might wana use the "masculine wash" and let us know how it feels like afterwards.

    I will be back reading on your previous posts.

    You had me at Peni-fresh (LOL),

    -=K=-

    • Hi K! Thanks for dropping by my blog, hope you be a regular here!

    • Wow. Just wow. I am curious as to why you reached for toothpaste as opposed to regular soap. Also, pics or it didn't happen. This is the internet after all.

      • I use whitening soap for my body that's why I never, as in never use it to wash my pudenda. Hahaha! Baka pumuti sya, pangit naman yun tignan. So i reached for the next best thing, Toothpaste. LOL.

        Try it on your aherm and then let me know if you also feel that minty cool effect.

        :)

  16. Just an FYI: "Isusubo mo sa Bango" is not their official tagline (it was "as fresh as she" at the time I took the picture, if I remember correctly).

    I just Photoshopped it there as a parody of sorts. :)

  17. Why not, if women have their F-wash, then why not for the M-wash. This is crazy but I will wait to see this ad on T.V.

  18. I like your post. It's hilarious :))

  19. Pde ba ang toothpaste sa bird? Do we use a brush as well? How bout pouring some mouthwash afterwards? u know just to be sure…

  20. Mas affordable ang peni fresh less freshman….crisis ngayon at wise buyer na mga pinoy…..

  21. At 62 pesos may peni fresh ka na…pwedeng pan regalo…available sa puregold

  22. Subukan nyo rin ang ToppCock pag may time

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