There comes a time where every man has to stop so he can contemplate about life in general. Of course, that’s a joke. No man ever stops to contemplate life, or if they ever attempt to do so, they usually end up opening up their computer, navigating to their secret porn folder of shame, then whacking off to some video of a German girl with hairy armpits getting banged to shit by five ugly assholes.
And that’s when the epiphany hits: us men touch our dicks day in and day out. Imagine all the dirt that ends up on our wieners. These things need special attention, and no I’m not talking about blowjobs. A special soap for them doohickeys between our legs, it’s what we need.
Fortunately, a couple of enterprising manufacturers have thought of that too, and have given us these pinnacles of civilization:
Freshman Masculine Wash
Freshman Masculine Wash seems to be on the brink of a multimedia advertising campaign to bring the benefits of washing your crotch with their specially formulated wash to the public. In fact, they’ve assembled a handy FAQ to help us plebeians understand why we need to wash our crotches.
They also have the classiest taglines.
They boast that Freshman Masculine Wash has tea tree oil, which “has properties that make it a popular natural agent for curing all three types of infectious organisms: fungus, bacteria, and virus,” and is “capable of penetrating into the lower skin layers with its wound-healing qualities that boosts the immune system and helps in the healing of minor scrapes and wounds.”
I’m not exactly comfortable with buying something that claims to penetrate my penis.
Also, according to the television ad, if you don’t wash your dick with Freshman Masculine Wash, you’re going to itch during the most inopportune times. Like when you’re trying to hit on a girl. Thanks, Freshman Masculine Wash, now I know that when my crotch itches unbearably I actually need to wash my bird down instead of assuming I have some horrible STD.
And if you do manage to finish watching the commercial, you’d be able to know that the wash would leave a minty feeling and smell on the wang. Also, people have been thanking the makers of Freshman Masculine Wash for that minty smell and feel on their Facebook Page:
Not pictured: dignity
You people have no idea how hard it was for me to research and write this shit.
PENI Fresh Antiseptic Male Organ Wash Soap
If Freshman Masculine Wash is the Mercedes Benz of penis washing liquids, PENI Fresh must be the old-beat up jalopy where your grandmother lost her virginity to some douchey kid in its backseat.
Here’s what PENI Fresh is made up of:
Botanical infusion of Philippine herbs, 100% natural vegetable oils, lactic acid, menthe, spring water, tutti-frutti essence.
Awesome. If I want my dick to smell like tutti-fruitti, I know what to buy.
Just check out the text on their website, in case you wanted to know if PENI Fresh is for you:
A must for all ages Teenagers; Bachelors Papas; Lolos Priests Brothers Monks and Gays!
Let’s not even look at the blatant abuse of the semicolon there that I’m sure already constitutes a Geneva Convention violation, let’s look at the fact that they’re selling a soap for wangs to priests and monks. Priests and monks.
I mean, what are they going to use that for?
SMELL THE TUTTI-FRUITTI OF ETERNAL SALVATION, SON. SMELL IT!
I’ll stop now and let the horrors of that mental image consume your soul in anguish for all eternity.
UPDATE: So I just found out that the poster with that classy Freshmen’s tagline was actually just a spoof by Jonas Diego. Yo, Freshmen guys, use that tagline!