Noisy, Noisy Man

Get your Recommended Daily Dose of Retard.
If you like my blog, you should subscribe via RSS or email and help save innocent puppies!

A couple of days ago, I figured in a small accident. It was the effect of a mixture of stupidity and my inherent clumsiness; I ended up comically landing on the sidewalk. The thing is, the cement seems to have gone through a jackhammer recently, and it was all jagged and shit. To add to the humiliation of tripping in front of all those people and having nobody help me, I also got a skinned left palm, a wound on my right elbow, and most of my right knee ended up skinned as well.

Reenactment.

In hindsight, entering the nearest Mini Stop bleeding profusely while asking the cashier for a band-aid – yes, a fucking band-aid – was kind of hilarious, even though I freaked out everyone for getting blood on the floor. And the prospect of massive blood loss? Not fun. Read the rest of this entry »

So I was supposed to watch James Cameron’s comeback film, Avatar, last weekend. However, due to unforseen circumstances, I wasn’t able to make it to the last full show. I’m not supposed to tell you the details, but it involved a velociraptor and Jesus. I’d like to tell you more, but I promised the cops I won’t talk about that again. But the whole point is that I’m supposed to be writing a review about this film that I haven’t even seen, and I’m panicking the shit out. In an act of desperation, I open up a torrent website, and search for and download Avatar.

Now I don’t have a way to figure out if I did get the real thing. But then, the movie’s going to be about a bunch of half-naked blue men prancing around, saying stuff in gibberish, while being totally epic in the signature James Cameron way. If I see one blue guy in the film, then I’m pretty sure it’s Avatar, right? There can’t be too many films featuring blue guys. So I double-click the movie file, slouch in my chair for a few hours of cinematic bliss, and watch as blue-skinned CGI people wage war against- wait, what the fuck? Read the rest of this entry »

INNER CHILD: So, Ade, what are your New Year’s resolutions for 2010?
ME: I dunno kid, I’m not really into making resolutions.
INNER CHILD: WHAT? You suck. Don’t be a fucking fornicating shit-eating faggot and try to improve yourself for the new decade!
ME: … that has got to be the most obscene stream of words I’ve ever heard coming out of your mouth.
INNER CHILD: Even more obscene than “horse-fucking twat sucking clit fucker shitface?” Because that’s what I think whenever I hear your name.
ME: …
INNER CHILD: In case you haven’t figured it out, it’s because I think you’re a horse-fucking twat sucking clit fucker shitface.
ME: …
INNER CHILD: So, make a new year’s resolution already, you asshole. Try to make your life suck less this 2010. I know you got a new laptop and all you wanna do is to tweak the shit out of it and kill zombies with plants, but come on, you’re better than that. Read the rest of this entry »