If you’ve been following my blog for the longest time you would know that I’ve been making one wrong decision after another, and today I decided to turn my life around. This epiphany that I had this morning is almost like waking up next to Emma Watson.
But, really. I woke up this morning, looked for Emma Watson, was slightly pissed off because she wasn’t there, and – BAM – epiphany. This is probably the most important decision I have ever made and I shall share it with all of you.
Today, I decided to eat salad.
What.
Anyway, what is up with those plastic containers salads are served in? Every salad I buy lately gets progressively harder to open. Somehow, the container gets progressively tighter every time I try prying them open.
These fuckers.
I wish those stupid containers would just open up easily and give up those treasures they contain within. Just like, you know, your mom.
So I just sat there on my office desk and stupidly tried to open the salad. I had both hands on the container, trying very hard to tear the cover apart, but damn, it won’t budge. I mean, I know people lose some strength and stamina when they gain weight, but this is fucking ridiculous.
So I struggled for an hour and a half just trying to get the goddamn salad container open, but dammit, I was sweaty and panting like crazy. I went to the pantry and grabbed a fork so I can use it to either open the salad or to stab it to death if it still gets stupid on me.
So I tried a bunch of stuff to get it open, mainly:
- Shake it with all my might while screaming. Well that was until I realized I was tossing salad.
- Bribed the salad to open by holding a thousand-peso bill in front of it.
- Screamed the fuck out, and threatened to kick the salad into a deep ditch if it doesn’t comply (of course, I really wouldn’t do that; I was hungry and… that was my lunch).
- Stabbed it with a fork.
- Rang its doorbell, put a burning pile of dog manure at its doorstep, and ran away giggling.
After an hour of doing shit like that, I got tired, flipped off the now-battered salad container, and went off to the nearest McDonald’s. I was starving, so I grabbed a Double Quarter Pounder, ate it in under 30 seconds, and went back, full and contented and with my arteries probably clogging up some more.
Now I prepared to throw the salad away, I realized that it was just taped shut.
… DAMMIT.
Yowch! I guess salads and Ades just don't mix.
The easiest way to eat salad is from the branches of the tress or directly from the shrubs. Try to mimic a Giraffe and extend your neck to each the twigs and stuff.
I tried it once. I didn't like it. True story.
Got any exercises to extend my neck?
The lettuce in a Big Mac is kind of like a mini-salad.
Yes, and I can down the Big Mac with Diet Coke! Good idea!
I GUESS THATS WHY THEY INVENTED SALADS…
SO YOU WOULD THINK YOU ARE EATIN HEALTHY..
EVEN IF YOU ARE GORGING TONS OF CALORIES WITH THE DRESSING… =(
BUT IT WAS A NICE ENDING THOUGH… YOU HAD YOUR BURGER!
HI THERE! WUT U DOIN?!
VISIT ME TODAY PLEASE!
Dude. Turn down the all-caps.
Another case of a broken keyboard, I guess.
It’s a sign man. You are not meant for salad. Fate dictates it.
More lechon kawali for me then!
those evil evil salads! tsk! i’m fortunate in that i’ve never met such a creature. *shivers*
Salads are such formidable opponents. I am having a hard time slaying just one,
i don't know if i would envy you or what..but you know i don't have problems with salad containers..my GF usually makes one for me and i eat it on a bowl…
"Now I prepared to throw the salad away, I realized that it was just taped shut."
How tragic
I think the Salad won this round. Better luck next time, Ade!
sorry for the caps earlier…got carried away… had too much coffee LOLZ