Noisy, Noisy Man

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Man, your last attempt to steal my wallet was a dismal failure. I have never seen a pickpocket crash and burn so spectacularly in my life. How can you expect to feed your children with stolen money if your continue to work that way?

But don’t worry, unlike your other victims, I won’t laugh at your failure or kick you in the balls or report you to the cops even though the temptation was so much. In fact, I’m taking the high road, buddy. I’m going to show you where exactly you went wrong so you can successfully pick the pockets of other hapless MRT commuters in the future.

• Blending in – If you plan to steal some guy’s hard-earned pay, you need to be discreet. Nobody would suspect somebody who just blends in the background. And honestly, dude, your getup needs a little work.

  Clearly, a guy who looks like a redneck would stick out like a sore thumb, because – I hate to break this to you – there aren’t too many rednecks here in our third world country, much less people who dress like one.

  So dude, piece of advice: if you plan on not getting suspected, ditch the beard, the stupid trucker cap that’s two sizes too small, and the beer belly. Also if you try to be less ugly, that’ll help a lot.

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Seriously, I don’t get horoscopes. Sure, I know why people go gaga over it. Nothing feels better than being told “you’ll meet the man of your dreams when you get a new job but you’ll get money problems so you better be careful about your money”. But yeah, won’t we all have money problems if we don’t take care of our finances?

Horoscopes sometimes do wonderful things, like stating the painfully obvious. The weird thing is, sometimes, people don’t even realize how obvious things are until it strips in front of them while dancing the Macarena.

Take for instance this old horoscope reading Sorsi gave me. 2008 just rolled in, things were falling into place after the disaster 2007 was, and I was hopeful. Then Sorsi opens her horoscope guide and lets out this scorcher: “Ade, according to the stars you’ll lose something very valuable. Take care of your stuff. Seriously. This is fucking real. Also, you smell like dick cheese.”

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Dear Neighbor’s Stupid Dog,

How are you? I see you everyday, but you know, I’m usually busy with “hurrying to get to work” or “running away from your sharp fangs” to greet you. And during the times I’m not preoccupied escaping your jaws (which from this point onwards I shall call “Fangs of Rabid Doom”), you just sit in your stupid little corner eating your vomit, and all those other stuff only dogs do.

Anyway, I’m writing because I hate your guts. No, not in the general “I hate dogs with a passion” sense, but I really hate you. Yes, you Neighbor’s Stupid Dog. I am singling you out of all the dogs in the world to be the target of my scorn. In fact, of all the people I can write my open letters to (“the fat guy who thinks he can squeeze into the MRT space barely enough for a bulimic Tibetan monk”, “the girl with the big gazongas who likes to smoke downstairs whom my officemates creepily leer at”), I just had to write my first open letter of the year for YOU. Read the rest of this entry »

If all this hulabaloo we’re hearing on the internet and Wikipedia is true, then the world is about to end on December 21, 2012. No, seriously. It says so on the Mayan Calendar. In fact, if you check this site out, you’d get some really informative stuff like this:

Q – According to Mayan calculations, when (in our calendar) is the world due to end?

The end of the Mayan Great Cycle after the completion of the 12th Bak’tum. It’s either the 21st or 23rd December, 2012 depending on whether you use the 584,285 or 584,283 correlation coefficient.

So, that clearly states that The Long Jump Calendar predicts a great cataclysm and that- wait. I didn’t get it. Let’s try again:

Clearly, the Maya put a great deal of work into this cycle, and it appears that they were warning us that this cycle causes periodic, massive cataclysms. The more we find out about this cycle, the more we want to know when it will be. Then we know that we can stop going to work, put on a pair of shorts, sit out and relax in a lawn chair and wait for the end of time, quietly sipping a lemonade [or perhaps something a lot stronger.]

Holy shitballs! You mean the Mayans, through the power of math, have figured out that massive cataclysms will happen? I knew I should’ve paid attention to math back in high school. For all we know I could’ve been predicting the end of the world instead of writing dick jokes on the internet. Read the rest of this entry »

2008 has come and gone, and unlike 2007, I haven’t been assraped this time. Nosiree, 2008 has been a great year for me. It may have started on a really bad note (must be the 2007 hangover), but it ended rather awesomely.

Kind of like this. Only with more Darth Vader.

Yeah, that’s how the year was for me. So let me stop boring you with this obligatory introductory statement. This is my first post of the year, and let me oblige by giving you the obligatory best of 2008 post. Obligatorily.

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