Down The Highway: An Advice Column For Emos - 10

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Dear DtH,

My life is, like, so dark and lonely… It is one deep abyss and it calls out to me… I reach out, and hands touch the cold, cold wind of suffering…

It is yet another moment of my longing to free me from these shackles of eternal longing of happiness that I will never achieve… But I should probably just try to feel pain because I feel nothing anymore…

Wake me up from my reverie… and bring me back to the warmth of the day…

Happiness is… yet another illusion…

xXxXx_3m0-b0i_xXxXx

Dear xXxXx_3m0-b0i_xXxXx,

I probably need more time to understand what the fuck you’re talking about. Nice poetry by the way. (It IS poetry, right?) In the meantime, enjoy these copy-and-pasted lyrics to Billy Joel’s “We Didn’t Start The Fire” in lieu of actual advice:

Harry Truman, Doris Day, Red China, Johnnie Ray South Pacific, Walter Winchell, Joe DiMaggio Joe McCarthy, Richard Nixon, Studebaker, television North Korea, South Korea, Marilyn Monroe Rosenbergs, H-Bomb, Sugar Ray, Panmunjom Brando, “The King and I”, and “The Catcher in the Rye” Eisenhower, vaccine, England’s got a new queen Marciano, Liberace, Santayana goodbye We didn’t start the fire It was always burning since the world’s been turning We didn’t start the fire Though we did ignite it But we tried to fight it

Wrist-slashingly yours,
DtH

PS - Don’t forget to slash down the highway, not across the street.

***

Dear DtH,

NOONE UNDERSTANDZ ME!!11 M I DESTIND 2 NEVR FYND LUV??? I AMSO LNLEY AND I NVER HD A GIRLFRND B4. NW I DEIT THESE WMEN BT THY H8 M!!!!11

THESEE WMEN THEY GO 4 D HOT MEN N M JST AN ORDNARY GUY WHT DO I DO DTH????? ALL WMEN ARE WHORS AND ALL THEIR BYFRIENDS ARE ASSHLES. WILL I DIE NOT SEEING A VGINA?

HALP

Dear - um- HALP,

Whoa, whoa, easy on the caps. I know how much you want to let out the rage, but it’s hard to type with one finger on the shift key, so let me introduce you to the wonderful world of the CAPS LOCK key.

There, finding it wasn’t so hard, is it? Finding the g-spot is way harder. But you wouldn’t know that, right? So, yeah, the CAPS LOCK KEY magically turns all your letters into BIG LETTERS! Amazing, I know. No need to thank me for introducing you to this technological marvel once the nosebleed’s over.

Look, it took me an hour and a half to decipher that goddamn mess you call an email that you sent me. Seriously, I should get paid for this shit. So, anyway, I just wanna make it clear: you’re whining because you haven’t seen a vagina, ever. Plus, all the girls go for other guys, who seem like assholes. Is that correct? Honestly, I don’t get why that’s happening to you. I mean, girls dig multiple layers of mascara and black nail polish. And they like their men wimpy and crying like babies whenever they see a flower (pun intended, sry). You sound like somebody the girls would go crazy for.

Just look at your Friendster profile:

Yep, you look like a well-adjusted dude with enough skills to talk to the fairer sex. Sorry, I don’t think I can help you with this one.

Yours in wailing and misery,
DtH

———-
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