Inner Child Therapy: I’m Pretty Sure I Had A Witty Title For This But I Forgot

Get your Recommended Daily Dose of Retard.
Subscribe to Noisy, Noisy, Man via RSS or email and help save innocent puppies.

It’s been quite a while since we heard from my Inner Child, haven’t we? I honestly don’t know what to do with this next Inner Child Therapy session since I haven’t been emo and shit lately. I know, I know, the reason you return to this blog is that you wanna read up on my failures and now that I don’t carry a shitful of emo around my blog is extremely pointless to read.

Just to prove my point, here’s my traffic lately:

See the downward slope? That’s you people, telling me that my blog is useless without me documenting my many failures in life.

You guys suck.

Anyway, here’s me and my Inner Child, going at each other’s throats as usual. I swear, If he wasn’t all imaginary and subconscious-y, I’d have beaten him up a long time ago.

INNER CHILD: Oh crap, don’t tell me you wanna talk to me again.
ME: Oh yes I do. You see, I totally need you this time.
INNER CHILD: You always need me. But where the fuck are you whenever I need help?
ME: Look, when did you ever ask me for-
INNER CHILD: That’s not the point. The thing is you’re never there when I need help because-
ME: Again: you have never asked me for help. Not once.
INNER CHILD: Again: that is not the fucking point.
ME: …
INNER CHILD: What?
ME: What the fuck is your point, then?
INNER CHILD: My point is that you whack off way too much at your extensive collection of Maria Ozawa videos.

ME: That just did not make any sense.
INNER CHILD: Of course it doesn’t.
ME: Then what the hell-
INNER CHILD: Anyway, burn me a DVD?
ME: …
INNER CHILD: Please?
ME: … fine.
INNER CHILD: Okay, so what do you need me for?
ME: I have a joke!
INNER CHILD: A… WHAT?
ME: A joke! You know, those things that make people laugh.
INNER CHILD: Your face makes me laugh.

ME: … But that isn’t exactly what I meant.
INNER CHILD: Ade’s face. Joke. What’s the difference?
ME: And what about you? You know what your face is?
INNER CHILD: What?
ME: Stupid.
INNER CHILD: Why oh why do I ever put up with you?
ME: Because you’re part of my subconscious and you have no other choice?
INNER CHILD: Ass.
ME: But I was just telling you the truth!
INNER CHILD: Again: Ass. Not good enough for you? Okay. Asshole.
ME: I… uh… what?
INNER CHILD: Let’s try it in French: trou du cul.
ME: But-
INNER CHILD: Or maybe German: Arschloch.
ME: Yes, but-
INNER CHILD: Or Bulgarian: guzica.
ME: Um…
INNER CHILD: Or Dutch: lul
ME: … lul? The fuck?
INNER CHILD: Iunno, that’s what Google Translate told me.
ME: For the love of god, I just wanted to tell a joke.
INNER CHILD: Why didn’t you say so?
ME: I don’t know, I think it had something to do with “your face makes me laugh” or something like that.
INNER CHILD: …
ME: Don’t you wanna hear the joke?
INNER CHILD: *sigh* What else can I do. Since we’re stuck with each other for the rest of our lives, let’s just get this done and over with.
ME: Okay! So… *chuckes*
INNER CHILD: Whaaaat?
ME: I’m sorry! This joke just cracks me up.
INNER CHILD: Okay okay, it’s funny. I get it.
ME: *chuckles*
INNER CHILD: …
ME: Okay. Sorry. *chuckles*
INNER CHILD: …
ME: Okay! So… *chuckes* what do you - *chuckles* - what do you call a - *chuckles* - a gangster that’s been planted in cement and thrown off a - *chuckes* - thrown of a bridge?
INNER CHILD: …
ME: A HARDENED CRIMINAL!
INNER CHILD: …
ME: BADA-BISH!
INNER CHILD: …
ME: Aw c’mon, don’t you get it? It’s funny!
INNER CHILD: …
ME: It’s BADA-BISH! Where’s that drummer? BADA-BISH! Drummer! Come on!

INNER CHILD: I’m outta here.
ME: Wait! I haven’t gotten to the knock-knock jokes yet!