Metro Manila: A Survival Guide

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You see the vast expanse of urban decay. You see an endless road, cluttered with tricycles, jeepneys, taxis, and various vehicles. In the horizon you see an impressive skyline of buildings, and at their feet you see a pile of makeshift homes made of used tires and rusted corrugated metal. And everything is coated with a think layer of smog and cigarette smoke.

Welcome, my friend, to Metro Manila.

It may look benign from a distance, but I swear, you will get killed if you are not careful.  Metro Manila is home to various types of creatures, harmless and predatory, and you will lose your belongings (like an unviolated asshole, among other things) if you let your guard down for even just a moment. What you, need, kid, is a guide to guide you through the dirty and dangerous streets of Manila in spite of your naiveté.

The People
There are only two types of people in Metro Manila. They are:

• The Rapists
• The Non-Rapists

It’ll mean the difference between life and death to be able to discern the difference between the two. But it is not as easy as it looks. Sometimes a rapist may take up the appearance of a non-rapist so that he may be able to get past security (rape, as awesome as it is, is an activity frowned upon in these parts) and rape you.

Places to Hang Out In
As with the people, there are only two sorts of places to hang out in Metro Manila. And they would be:

• Places Where Sexual Assault is Very Likely
• Places Where Sexual Assault is Not Very Likely

Figuring out the difference between these parts, however is very easy. For instance, a dark narrow alleyway with a fat drooling man hiding a major boner behind a garbage bin will definitely be a Place Where Sexual Assault is Very Likely. On the other hand, the privacy of your own room would be one of the few Places Where Sexual Assault is Not Very Likely. Again, the ability to differentiate between the two would be most valuable to your survival.

Public Transportation
There would be - wait for it - two (surprise!) kinds of public transportation available for the masses in Metro Manila. And they would be:

• Vehicles That Would Result In Your Fiery Painful Death
• Vehicles That Would Not Result In Your Fiery Painful Death

I wish I could give you pointers on how to find them Vehicles That Would Not Result In Your Fiery Painful Death, but they are only rumored to exist and they have become sort of like the Yeti in these parts.

Food
Only two variants of food exist in these parts. And they would be:

• Laden With Hepatitis
• Laden With Cholera

I’m not gonna give you any tips to figure out which is which, because either way you’re screwed.

Fun Things To Do In Metro Manila

• You can play Patintero with the muggers, beggars, street urchins, and sexual assailants!
• Eat fishbol, kwekwek, calamari, chicken skin, and other unknown and exotic foods and later spend an entire night in the crapper due to amoebiasis-related awesomeness!
• Take a daily swim in the streets that get converted to rivers every time it drizzles!
• Burn in the sweltering heat!
• Sing in the karaoke bars and get a knife stuck in your ribs!
• Have fun walking in the dark and dangerous streets of Manila while trying very hard to not get a poison-tipped dart pierce your neck!
• Ride a taxi and be overcharged!
• Not get killed/raped/mugged/anally violated.

So, there, I hope I have enlightened you on the Metro Manila experience. Enjoy your stay in Metro Manila, and I hope that you don’t end up with a knife down your ribs or something.

What are your Metro Manila stories?

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