You see the vast expanse of urban decay. You see an endless road, cluttered with tricycles, jeepneys, taxis, and various vehicles. In the horizon you see an impressive skyline of buildings, and at their feet you see a pile of makeshift homes made of used tires and rusted corrugated metal. And everything is coated with a think layer of smog and cigarette smoke.
Welcome, my friend, to Metro Manila.
It may look benign from a distance, but I swear, you will get killed if you are not careful. Metro Manila is home to various types of creatures, harmless and predatory, and you will lose your belongings (like an unviolated asshole, among other things) if you let your guard down for even just a moment. What you, need, kid, is a guide to guide you through the dirty and dangerous streets of Manila in spite of your naiveté.
The People
There are only two types of people in Metro Manila. They are:
- The Rapists
- The Non-Rapists
It’ll mean the difference between life and death to be able to discern the difference between the two. But it is not as easy as it looks. Sometimes a rapist may take up the appearance of a non-rapist so that he may be able to get past security (rape, as awesome as it is, is an activity frowned upon in these parts) and rape you.
Places to Hang Out In
As with the people, there are only two sorts of places to hang out in Metro Manila. And they would be:
- Places Where Sexual Assault is Very Likely
- Places Where Sexual Assault is Not Very Likely
Figuring out the difference between these parts, however is very easy. For instance, a dark narrow alleyway with a fat drooling man hiding a major boner behind a garbage bin will definitely be a Place Where Sexual Assault is Very Likely. On the other hand, the privacy of your own room would be one of the few Places Where Sexual Assault is Not Very Likely. Again, the ability to differentiate between the two would be most valuable to your survival.
Typical Metro Manila Driver
Public Transportation
There would be – wait for it – two (surprise!) kinds of public transportation available for the masses in Metro Manila. And they would be:
- Vehicles That Would Result In Your Fiery Painful Death
- Vehicles That Would Not Result In Your Fiery Painful Death
I wish I could give you pointers on how to find them Vehicles That Would Not Result In Your Fiery Painful Death, but they are only rumored to exist and they have become sort of like the Yeti in these parts.
This is isaw. It’s alive.
Food
Only two variants of food exist in these parts. And they would be:
- Laden With Hepatitis
- Laden With Cholera
I’m not gonna give you any tips to figure out which is which, because either way you’re screwed.
Philippine Dildo
Fun Things To Do In Metro Manila
- You can play Patintero with the muggers, beggars, street urchins, and sexual assailants!
- Eat fishbol, kwekwek, calamari, chicken skin, and other unknown and exotic food and later spend an entire night in the crapper due to amoebiasis-related awesomeness!
- Take a daily swim in the streets that get converted to rivers every time it drizzles!
- Burn in the sweltering heat!
- Sing in the karaoke bars and get a knife stuck in your ribs!
- Have fun walking in the dark and dangerous streets of Manila while trying very hard to not get a poison-tipped dart pierce your neck!
- Ride a taxi and be overcharged!
- Not get killed/raped/mugged/anally violated.
So, there, I hope I have enlightened you on the Metro Manila experience. Enjoy your stay in Metro Manila, and I hope that you don’t end up with a knife down your ribs or something.
What are your Metro Manila stories?
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29 comments to “Metro Manila: A Survival Guide”
This blog post is drenched in 500 gallons of awesomesauce. Some of the ideas are worth further development. Like, how to survive driving in metro manila, how to survive an insomnia caused by neighbors pitching awful karaoke tunes, how to survive walking around Quiapo, etc.
Sequels, maybe?
Nightdreamer’s last blog post..Conversation About Wedding (Disclaimer: Not My Wedding)
OMGLOLGAZMZ!!!11
Sadly I have yet to find a street urchin. But I do want to meet one someday and fall madly in love and make adorable little street urchins and live happily ever after in a little street urchin box by the side of the dirty flooded road.
I was informed by reliable sources that Mayor Fred Lim is after your ass. =P
Arbet’s last blog post..Is Oki Oki OK?
We demand sequels to this blog post! Like Nightdreamer said, this post is awesome! :D Made me, and about five of my workmates, laugh our heads off.
Poyt’s last blog post..Poyt’s Palawan Experience Day Two
Very informative. Now let’s upload this to Wikipedia so that the whole world can know.
joyfulchicken’s last blog post..Satan’s concrete anus
I’m worried about the people who take seriously everything you write. :D
Noelle De Guzman’s last blog post..mmMassage
Sad.. but true.
I’d rather stay here in dagupan na lang LOL
Micamyx’s last blog post..Yey! New Domain!
[quote comment="120385"]
Sequels, maybe?
[/quote]
Kk.
[quote comment="120386"]OMGLOLGAZMZ!!!11
Sadly I have yet to find a street urchin. But I do want to meet one someday and fall madly in love and make adorable little street urchins and live happily ever after in a little street urchin box by the side of the dirty flooded road.[/quote]
That’s so… sweet! 8->
[quote comment="120387"]I was informed by reliable sources that Mayor Fred Lim is after your ass. =P
[/quote]
Holy shit. Is he riding a vehicle that’ll lead to his fiery death?
[quote comment="120388"]We demand sequels to this blog post! Like Nightdreamer said, this post is awesome! :D Made me, and about five of my workmates, laugh our heads off.
[/quote]
I… I make people laugh?
[quote comment="120389"]Very informative. Now let’s upload this to Wikipedia so that the whole world can know.
[/quote]
Better yet, Uncyclopedia!
[quote comment="120390"]I’m worried about the people who take seriously everything you write. :D
[/quote]
Which one? The rapists or the non-rapists?
You forgot about the henchmen of BF (who thinks he’s an Egyptian pharaoh by plastering his damned image of a monstrosity all over the metro) who make every single day a living hell for pedestrians and drivers.
jhay’s last blog post..Asus Eee PC 900 Press Launch
Come to Davao na? :P
Ria Jose’s last blog post..My Laptop’s Charger Died
I can imagine tourists googling Metro Manila, Philippines and landing on this entry of yours. I wonder if they’d still go.
i live in moscow now and i miss peaceful, peaceful manila! -_-
Awesome entry! I love it! Kudos to you bro! Kudos!!
avatar’s last blog post..Step Brothers
THAT ISAW LOOKS NASTY
Jeff’s last blog post..Finally: iPhone reaches the Philippines
damn you. now i need an isaw fix. preferably in diliman because rumor has it all street food from diliman has a health inspector stamp of approval.
cigarette-girl’s last blog post..Places to go, things to see
Oh, I’m sure projectmanila.com would ssssooo love this post. LOL. Also, can someone get me a Philippine dildo, please? Kthnxbi.
FunnySexy’s last blog post..There was once an Ugly Girl…
I swear this would actually bring more tourists to Manila.
Ann’s last blog post..Best. Summer. Ever.
Uh… dude, you’re gonna scare away tourists and drive them to Davao instead… :D
Blogie’s last blog post..Kadayawan 2008 calendar
I love isaw – with Hepa A syempre!
I’m even prouder of being a Filipino after reading this entry… and by that I mean a Filipino who’s not from Manila. Haha
If this article were true, then I’d have had sex just by picking up the groceries. Since my butt plug is still intact, I call shenanigans.
Pau’s last blog post..Scarred (An Open Letter to my PsorPhil Brothers & Sisters)
Truly an excellent post! Would probably make the tourists haul ass and have all the fun here, what with that Philippine Dildo. I’d like to hear what it sounds when they’re using it!
the husband’s last blog post..5 or 50
awww now ria wants him to go to davao. lol.
the jester-in-exile’s last blog post..The Saturday Post. Long Awaited — Not. Just Long.
This post reminds me of the two years I lived in Brgy. Pio del Pilar, Makati. The place is just depressing. And dangerous! The thing I hate the most are the floods that come from even just a five-minute downpour. Ugh. Living in the city is not my thing.
kimmy’s last blog post..Hiring Is the Key II