I spent the weekend in internet-less rural Laguna. You know, those places where we have to hunt wild boars for food and offer burnt sacrifices to Maria Makiling to prevent the dragon from eating the sun, hence delaying the end of the world and giving the tribes more time to engage in orgies and human sacrifices.
Not Laguna
But that’s not the entire point of the article. You see, my grandparents live in that place. But that still is not my point.
You see, my aunt got married two months ago and since me and my aunt have a very small age gap (see what I did there, tita?) she finally got relieved of the pressure of getting married and stuff. And guess who the grandfolks set their eyes on next.
Clue: His name starts with “A” and ends with “de Magnaye”.
So cue clueless Ade, walking into the nipa hut (yes, they live in a nipa hut. I kid not. Well, the nipa hut’s got airconditioning. So whatev.), greeting his grandfolks like he always does. Then his grandpa, sensing a moment of weakness, drops the bomb:
“Say, Ade, when are you getting married?”
You do not ask that to a single 25-year old who has no plans of getting married just yet because 90% of the women he meets treat him as a gay best friend only straight while the remaining 10% treat him as a sexual offender.
But I realized that my grandfolks just want to see a great grandchild. You know, while they’re healthy and all. So now the pressure of giving the grandfolks a great grandchild is on. But then my track record with women kinda speaks against me. Just so you know, I need somebody who I can hoodwink into marriage mainly without resorting to drugs, violence or hypnosis.
I can go for the mail-order bride, but there’s this slight problem of me being broke and being totally unable to afford such extravagant worldly pleasures. Besides, I’m no (dreamy- no, wait) Russian Mafia Guy to even consider going for a mail-order bride. Same goes for paid companionship (Okay, prostitutes. What.), although they would probably be better in the sack and infect me with herpes and various exotic diseases. Or I can probably go for the ditz. Heck, it’ll be perfect. I can make her believe I’m some rich oil tycoon and she’d probably eat it up automatically. But thinking about it, a discussion on whether Paris Hilton’s latest album is this generation’s equivalent of The Beatles’ “Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band” doesn’t seem to appeal to me.
I think I’m rather fucked.
Also, on the subject of marriage, I think I can make a wonderful husband. I can go home every night drunk and all, while my loving wife takes off my shoes and makes me a turkey sammich and all. No, wait. I mean I am very loving and I’d do all the laundry and dish washing for her while she gambles away our life savings via mah jong with her noisy kumares while they (noisily) talk about the latest Piolo Pascual soap opera or the latest showbiz sex scandal.
Again. I’m fucked.
And I just realized that I should probably stop writing more because I’m lessening my chances with every single paragraph.
This is how I impress women
So, guys, what do you think?
Pingbacks to “In This Entry Ade Talks About Marriage. And Stuff”
54 comments to “In This Entry Ade Talks About Marriage. And Stuff”
May pag-asa ka pa, it’s just a matter of finding the right person. In fairness serious ah :p
Aileen Apolo’s last blog post..My Mom, the Adventurista
“love moves in mysterious ways…”
– julia fordham
Way to ignore my marriage proposal to you. Ass.
Pau’s last blog post..The Case Of The Butterfly Stain: A TMB Mystery
You could always join speed dating events and find your match in less than an hour.
Chicks dig the writerly type, Ade. Just bring a notepad at starbucks and you’ll be sure to inspire a few “oohs” from the crowd even if you’re not writing anything.
In the inimitable words of my four-year-old: “You funny, Ade”
Or you can always pull a “Who’s The Boss?” a-la Tony Danza i.e. find a job as a housekeeper and save yourself seven more years before eventually marrying Judith Light.
25 is not old! At least for guys, heh. Must guys I know get married in their 30s. You still have 5 years! ;) :p
*Most!!! sorry
Joni’s last blog post..I Heart My Mom
Looks like you already received a lot of marriage proposals. LOL you’re just ignoring them. Bah!
Poyt’s last blog post..Mr. Fartface – my dream date
Yeah man, you still got a long way. Grandparents are just doing their jobs. Since they can’t put shit on you because you have a job, graduated college and perfectly healthy, this is what they put on your face hahaha.
Have you watched Lars and the Real Girl? Maybe you can pull that off. HAHAHAHA. :P
Juice’s last blog post..I Heart My Mom
This Papa Ade talaga… Ignoring my marriage proposal. I bet you like Pau better. LOL!
Seriously, stop being so nice and smart, coz girl like bad boys, hokay?
Ria Jose’s last blog post..Kring Does Poyt and Poyt Does Kring
marry me.
then, let’s talk about how juday’s character evolved from ula to her new shtick with ryan what’s his name.
cigarette-girl’s last blog post..bleed to sleep
Ok Ade has so far ignored everyone’s comments here.
No wonder he’s…
When I was 25 a year ago, (Ducks from various thrown objects) My mind was also warped like that. But when I got found the one for me and got married. Well, I’m still terrified until now but guess who has free sex anytime I want FTW Yeah!
avatar’s last blog post..Step Brothers
[quote comment="120324"]May pag-asa ka pa, it’s just a matter of finding the right person. In fairness serious ah :p
[/quote]
Hahahaha! Oo nga seryosong comment!
[quote comment="120326"]“love moves in mysterious ways…”
– julia fordham[/quote]
LOL
[quote comment="120327"]Way to ignore my marriage proposal to you. Ass.
[/quote]
But I can’t father your babies! :(
[quote comment="120334"]Looks like you already received a lot of marriage proposals. LOL you’re just ignoring them. Bah!
[/quote]
Where?
[quote comment="120336"]This Papa Ade talaga… Ignoring my marriage proposal. I bet you like Pau better. LOL!
Seriously, stop being so nice and smart, coz girl like bad boys, hokay?
[/quote]
Oh, there.
[quote comment="120337"]marry me.
[/quote]
Also, there.
[quote comment="120339"]When I was 25 a year ago, (Ducks from various thrown objects) My mind was also warped like that. But when I got found the one for me and got married. Well, I’m still terrified until now but guess who has free sex anytime I want FTW Yeah!
[/quote]
Free sex sounds good. Later?
Basta dapat kasali kaming mga powerpuff girls sa entourage or else.. haha
Micamyx’s last blog post..MAGDUSA KA! NOW NA!
I can make her believe I’m some rich oil tycoon and she’d probably eat it up automatically.
LOL AUTOMATIC! *randomly taps on keyboard*
anywaaayyyy… you’re too young, ade. seriously. get married when you’re 38 or something. have sex with as many women as you can without knocking upi a single one of them, kay?
also, you’re awesome. and there’s always ria jose. ^_^;;
ADE + RIA = ADRIA FTW!
FunnySexy’s last blog post..The First Kiss
My heart kinda stopped when you mentioned “ditz”. And then my brain stopped working, too.
Helga’s last blog post..23 FOR 23, PART 5.
Just don’t be “torpe” when the “right” girl passes you by. You
might lose an opportunity because of “ka-torpehan”. Some
girls are too shy to make the first move.
how about auctioning yourself off? :p
Why even think about marriage? Half of marriages end in divorce; the other half end in death. I don’t think either is a great option.
joyfulchicken’s last blog post..Chickens watching Survivor: dumbest survivor ever
Bata ka pa to worry. Yung daddy ko malala na ang parinig saken…meron nang “Nung kasing-idad kita, anak na kita!” (and i’m the third ha so that means a lot).
I’d say enjoy your bachelor life while it lasts…kaso i know na you don’t score with chicks anyway…
Sorsi’s last blog post..Karma Chameleon
Also, listen to Noemi’s comment above…sakto sayo=P
Sorsi’s last blog post..Karma Chameleon
“Well, the nipa hut’s got airconditioning. ”
SO THAT’S WHY THE OZONE HOLE IS THIIIS BIG!
Seriously, you know it’s just gonna get worse as years pass by. Today, it’s your folks, tomorrow it’s your friends, after that, we’ll make a huge ass banner counting the days since you last got laid and shit.
I meant to add “and we’ll place the banner on top of your blog”. AH I killed ze joke and ze joke izen’t funnee enewei!
CM’s last blog post..LSSes of the Weekend
[quote comment="120341"]Basta dapat kasali kaming mga powerpuff girls sa entourage or else.. haha
[/quote]
Wala. Pang. Asawa. :(
[quote comment="120342"]I can make her believe I’m some rich oil tycoon and she’d probably eat it up automatically.
LOL AUTOMATIC! *randomly taps on keyboard*
anywaaayyyy… you’re too young, ade. seriously. get married when you’re 38 or something. have sex with as many women as you can without knocking upi a single one of them, kay?
also, you’re awesome. and there’s always ria jose. ^_^;;
ADE + RIA = ADRIA FTW!
[/quote]
LOL WHUT?
[quote comment="120343"]My heart kinda stopped when you mentioned “ditz”. And then my brain stopped working, too.
[/quote]
OMG SRY :(
[quote comment="120345"]Just don’t be “torpe” when the “right” girl passes you by. You
might lose an opportunity because of “ka-torpehan”. Some
girls are too shy to make the first move.[/quote]
I know rite. :(
[quote comment="120346"]how about auctioning yourself off? :p[/quote]
The question is: will somebody even consider buying?
[quote comment="120347"]Why even think about marriage? Half of marriages end in divorce; the other half end in death. I don’t think either is a great option.
[/quote]
Holy crap you’re right!
[quote comment="120348"]Bata ka pa to worry. Yung daddy ko malala na ang parinig saken…meron nang “Nung kasing-idad kita, anak na kita!” (and i’m the third ha so that means a lot).
[/quote]
Wow. Talk about pressure. O_o
[quote comment="120351"]“Well, the nipa hut’s got airconditioning. ”
SO THAT’S WHY THE OZONE HOLE IS THIIIS BIG!
Seriously, you know it’s just gonna get worse as years pass by. Today, it’s your folks, tomorrow it’s your friends, after that, we’ll make a huge ass banner counting the days since you last got laid and shit.[/quote]
:(
You lying son of a whatev. Women don’t think you’re the gay-bestfriend-only-straight (the 90% you mention) and you’re not a sex-offender either (the other 10% you mention). You’re that wonderful guy described in that infamous E-heads song:
(Wait for it….)
TORPEdo. hahahahaha
You’re not alone Ade =(
What the hell, Ade ignored my SUGGESTIONS?!
Keep doing that and I’ll start jinxing you. See this here voodoo doll who’s wearing bra and panties? That’s you, Ade, and soon I’m going to throw that in a boiling pot with the lid shut so you could experience all that ALONE mwahaha.
I think I can help. Just come with me to the City Hall and you’ll be a married man in no time!
There ought to be rent-a-baby places for these things.
Getting married at 25 is too early, me thinks. Also, LOL @ JayveeF’s comment.
hmmm…marry your best friend. ade, my yahoo account was deleted by some hacker so i made a new one. email me ha.
cheska’s last blog post..i heart Kyle!
[quote comment="120358"]You lying son of a whatev. Women don’t think you’re the gay-bestfriend-only-straight (the 90% you mention) and you’re not a sex-offender either (the other 10% you mention). You’re that wonderful guy described in that infamous E-heads song:
(Wait for it….)
TORPEdo. hahahahaha
You’re not alone Ade =([/quote]
…
[quote comment="120359"]What the hell, Ade ignored my SUGGESTIONS?!
[/quote]
Sorry naman! Kamusta naman yon?
[quote comment="120360"]I think I can help. Just come with me to the City Hall and you’ll be a married man in no time![/quote]
Okay. *kindat sabay kagat sa labi*
[quote comment="120362"]There ought to be rent-a-baby places for these things.[/quote]
Yeah, but won’t the grandfolks look for the baby like two years later?
[quote comment="120365"]Getting married at 25 is too early, me thinks. Also, LOL @ JayveeF’s comment.[/quote]
iknowrite!
[quote comment="120367"]hmmm…marry your best friend. ade, my yahoo account was deleted by some hacker so i made a new one. email me ha.
[/quote]
But… but… my best friend is a guy.
Ade… Those babies will be two years older too. Unless they drop by for a visit you’re screwed.
Ozy’s last blog post..Let’s go to the bitch!!!!! – VJ Greg
funny blog. agh. start making ligaw every girl that comes your way! haha.
macci’s last blog post..technology is depressing
Penpal na kana gusto mo?
Goodluck sa iyo kabayan.
Mukha namang magaling kang nilalang.
Makakabingwit ka din ng babae mo
samjuan’s last blog post..Joke sa araw na ito
Don’t worry ade we’ll get them someday, somehow.
jet’s last blog post..Retreat letter
you think YOU have problems, ade? :D
hi there, ade. *waves* thanks for dropping by my blog.
seems like you’re no different from jester. i wonder why you are writing this post when it’s obvious that you have a lot of fans?
just kidding. :)
this is such a relief ade! for a change, i’m hearing this from a guy. :)
grace’s last blog post..i’ve had better days
Dude, quit worrying. It’ll happen. And when it does, it’ll be automatic. Trust me. I can predict the future.
Peter “The Mordo” Juan’s last blog post..A Hairy Situation
Who needs to get married when you’re a rockstar now? *wink wink*
van’s last blog post..On an occasion that a haircut won’t work
*snorts* I couldn’t help but laugh at that one. Why the pressure? You’re ONLY 25! You need time for a relationship and all that crap before actually marrying someone.
Why is it that it appears to be as hard as you make it seem to be, unless you’re the world’s greatest exaggerator =P
Ash’s last blog post..My *painful* day
yer funny… lahat ng tao makakahanap ng katapat niya na pagibig… yiiii mangarap ka lang at maniwalang magkakatotoo, in a snap andyan na yan :D
25 is young! I’m 24 and yet I don’t feel the need to get married. But of course I hope and pray that I won’t get tandang dalaga. :P
Diane’s last blog post..Buhay Coke ng Bloggers at Taste of Asia – SM Mall of Asia: An Aftermath