Iron Man in 5 Minutes

May 2nd, 2008 Posted in Reviews

IRON MAN IN 5 MINUTES

FADE IN:

EXT. INSIDE AN APC CRUISING THROUGH AFGHANISTAN - DAY

TONY STARK is flirting with some SOLDIERS

		TONY STARK
	Hi, I'm Tony Stark. You might know me
	as Robert Downey Jr. and I'm perfect
	for this role because I'm an alcoholic.

		SOLDIERS
	OMG we're in the same van as Robert
	Downey Jr! Let's all fanboy him and do
	kawaii signs because we're idiots and
	we'll die within the next 3 minutes!

The APC in front of them explodes. The soldiers try to
protect TONY STARK the best way they could- by getting
killed and leaving TONY STARK to fend for himself.

		TONY STARK
	Holy shit I'm gonna die. Wait, is that
	a live missile next to me? Ohhh, it's
	got my company's logo on it! I have to check--

MISSILE explodes, showering TONY STARK's chest with shrapnel.

FLASHBACK: 36 hours earlier.

EXT. LAS VEGAS, GRAND CEASAR HOTEL

		TONY STARK
	Oh look guys, I'm supposed to get an award
	but I'm here, gambling away.

		JAMES RHODES
	What the hell are you doing here, TONY?

		TONY STARK
	Because I'm a dick. And this is what dicks do.
	Also, why the hell do we have homoerotic tension?

		JAMES RHODES
	The hell? Homoerotic tension? Are you
	fucking kidding me?!
	...kiss me.

		TONY STARK
	Can't. Hear. You. Too. Busy. Making. Out. With.
	This. Hot. Female. Reporter.

EXT. BACK IN CAVE. PRESENT TIME.

TONY STARK is held captive by typical MUSLIM TERRORIST STEREOTYPES.

		TONY STARK
	Why the fuck do I have a car battery attached
	to my chest?

		DR YINSEN
	Because you have shrapnel inside your chest.
	The battery powers an electromagnet so that
	you don't die.

		TONY STARK
	Wait, why didn't you just remove the shrapnel?
	Also, why am I not electrocuted or something?

		DR YINSEN
	Because if those things did happen, there won't
	be a movie, right?

TONY STARK makes a suit of armor to escape, in a mind-numbingly
awesome sequence. The GEEKS IN THE AUDIENCE furiously MASTURBATE.

EXT.TONY STARK'S MALIBU MANSION

		PEPPER POTTS
	TONY, what the heck are you doing, wasting
	your time and money to make this stupid armor!
	Okay, we get it. It saved your life.
	Get over it.

		TONY STARK
	No, Gwyneth, I'm not listening to you
	because you're awfully miscast.

		PEPPER POTTS
	I hate you.

		TONY STARK
	Secks?

OBADIA STANE manages some evil scheme that gives him a suit of
armor which, in all respects is superior to TONY STARK's.
Also, S.H.I.E.L.D. agents show up, trying to stop STANE, but
somehow they all end up being squashed. S.H.I.E.L.D. is a
fucking joke.

		TONY STARK
	Don't worry kids! I'm here to save the day!

GIANT IRON MONGER looms in front of him

		OBADIAH STANE
	Look! TONY! In a very predictable
	plot twist, your mentor has turned
	against you! Insert typical villain
	laugh here! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

		TONY STARK
	...Fuck.

EPIC BATTLE! ZOMG! THE AUDIENCE ORGASMS IN UNISON!

Yean, so in conclusion, you’re not missing much on Iron Man. It’s predictable. It’s HOLY FUCKING AWESOME VBYDKVSJuddauDFBKSBDS ;;;;; - I mean okay. Yeah. Okay. I mean, really.

NO I TAKE IT BACK IT’S THE MOST AWESOME FILM TO EVER HIT CINEMAS. WATCH IT OR I EAT YOUR CHILDREN.

Tags: iron man, movies, Reviews, scripts, spoofs

This entry was posted on Friday, May 2nd, 2008 at 3:47 pm and is filed under Reviews. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.

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26 Comments

Maki said on May 2, 2008:

Haha..Gwyneth a miscast? Gotta see that hahaha… This is a semi-spoiler already haha, I remembered your 300 in 5minutes :P

Maki’s last blog post..What You Know vs. Who You Know

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Joni said on May 2, 2008:

LOLZ!!

I also think Gwyneth is miscast.

Joni’s last blog post..Version 11 and iBlog4

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Helga said on May 2, 2008:

LOLZLOLZ, you used thegreatest’s caption. Still gets me LOLZ.

Helga’s last blog post..CAMWHORING 101: DON’T EVER DO THAT!

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joyfulchicken said on May 2, 2008:

Heh. Now I’m not sure if I want to watch this movie.

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Rico said on May 2, 2008:

Maki say yes na!

And ade, nothing beats the schoolkid cool of a power armor! Kekekekekekekekeke!!!!

Also, please add “form#commentform textarea#comment {width:100%;}” to this blog’s stylesheet and let me know if it fixes the overflowing comment box thingy.

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thegreatest said on May 2, 2008:

wait, so gwyneth’s the bad guy?

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Arbet Loggins said on May 2, 2008:

No spoilers? I’m such a cheapskate, I live on spoilers LOL.

Arbet Loggins’s last blog post..One for Bloggers Da Who

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cigarette-girl said on May 2, 2008:

LOL. you’ve convinced me.

i’m going to watch na.

cigarette-girl’s last blog post..The missing piece

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Jehzeel Laurente said on May 2, 2008:

i only hate iron man’s “ready to fly” pose. It seems like he wants
to do bahhh leiii.. :P

Jehzeel Laurente’s last blog post..Thinking Of What To Blog

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Bim said on May 2, 2008:

Hey, just like this, see? http://www.the-editing-room.com/

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CARS said on May 3, 2008:

I don’t have children! Buahahaha!
—
I’m going to watch this… someday.. somehow.. pirated DVD’s anyone?

brokebrokebroke.

CARS’s last blog post..The Godfather.

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Ade said on May 3, 2008:

[quote comment="120225"]Hey, just like this, see? http://www.the-editing-room.com//quote

Yeah, I know.

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Ely said on May 3, 2008:

Tony Stark. Billionaire Playboy with big boy toyz. Uh…
Larry Ellison? (of Oracle) LOL.

Ely’s last blog post..Have Fun Playing Money Games

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micketymoc said on May 3, 2008:

Iron Man, Iron Man
Does whatever an iron can
Presses shirts, squishes ants
Takes the creases from your pants
Look out, here comes the Iron Maaaaan!

(I can’t take credit for this; read it in a Marvel Bullpen a loooong time ago)

micketymoc’s last blog post..The Gospel According to the Ewoks.

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jhay said on May 3, 2008:

What would the movie like if Donald Trump was the lead actor? LOLZ

jhay’s last blog post..ASUS EeePC 900 Press Launch May 12, 2008

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Nick said on May 3, 2008:

tsk. tsk. you forgot the most important part of the movie.
for shame!

Nick’s last blog post..RATE THE IRON MAN MOVIE!

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Jayvee said on May 4, 2008:

You spoiled the whole thing for me. HuHLolz.

Jayvee’s last blog post..Having troubles with online geekery

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cheska said on May 4, 2008:

that made me laugh. thanks, ade! i mishu ade!

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Euri said on May 4, 2008:

LOL!

I heard it’s not that good, so I’m just buying a DVD instead of watching a movie~ XD

Euri’s last blog post..Hide: 10th Death Anniversary

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Ria Jose said on May 5, 2008:

It was gooood!!! FUN TIMES! :D

Ria Jose’s last blog post..Manila Day 9: Politics and a Rock Fest

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keysi said on May 5, 2008:

i’ll watch the movie if you babysit for me. haha

keysi’s last blog post..Blocked? Free Proxy? Yeah.

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Jeff said on May 6, 2008:

You are an evil man. And this is an evil post, which I read 30 mins before watching the film

I like your storyline better tho

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Neil said on May 6, 2008:

Better than the original, ade. Ayeehah!

Wait… I thought it’s 5 mins! Or I’m just a fast reader? LOL.

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RJ said on May 7, 2008:

Best Marvel movie so far!

PS. Finish the credits or you’ll miss NICK MUTHAFUCKING FURY!

[Click to Reply]
Ade said on May 7, 2008:

[quote comment="120291"]Best Marvel movie so far!

PS. Finish the credits or you’ll miss NICK MUTHAFUCKING FURY![/quote]

Uh, yeah, but technically, this is the first Marvel Studios film… so…

*hides*

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philos said on May 13, 2008:

Way cool! Iron Man has got to be every man’s dream life… extremely rich and smart, gadgets galore including personal robot, sexy secretary who takes care of his every need, superhero costume, flashy cars, rock star appeal.

Got.to.stop.now.I’m.starting.to.hyperventilate.Cool.

philos’s last blog post..Chickens watching Survivor: dumbest survivor ever

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Rejected Filipino Dubs: Harry Potter

    ‘Nak ng teteng naman itong buhay na to o!
    Kamusta naman yon?
     Ang hirap mag-aral, ang kulit ng kupal na Draco na yun, enlababo na ata sa akesh si Dobby, galit sa akesh si Snape, tapos eepal pa si Voldemort, nangangarap titigbakin ako–
    Kamusta naman yon?
     Nakakaloka!
    Kamusta naman yon?
    …
    Kamusta–
    Ah, basta. [...]

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