IRON MAN IN 5 MINUTES FADE IN: EXT. INSIDE AN APC CRUISING THROUGH AFGHANISTAN - DAY TONY STARK is flirting with some SOLDIERS TONY STARK Hi, I'm Tony Stark. You might know me as Robert Downey Jr. and I'm perfect for this role because I'm an alcoholic. SOLDIERS OMG we're in the same van as Robert Downey Jr! Let's all fanboy him and do kawaii signs because we're idiots and we'll die within the next 3 minutes! The APC in front of them explodes. The soldiers try to protect TONY STARK the best way they could- by getting killed and leaving TONY STARK to fend for himself.
TONY STARK Holy shit I'm gonna die. Wait, is that a live missile next to me? Ohhh, it's got my company's logo on it! I have to check-- MISSILE explodes, showering TONY STARK's chest with shrapnel. FLASHBACK: 36 hours earlier. EXT. LAS VEGAS, GRAND CEASAR HOTEL TONY STARK Oh look guys, I'm supposed to get an award but I'm here, gambling away. JAMES RHODES What the hell are you doing here, TONY? TONY STARK Because I'm a dick. And this is what dicks do. Also, why the hell do we have homoerotic tension? JAMES RHODES The hell? Homoerotic tension? Are you fucking kidding me?! ...kiss me. TONY STARK Can't. Hear. You. Too. Busy. Making. Out. With. This. Hot. Female. Reporter. EXT. BACK IN CAVE. PRESENT TIME. TONY STARK is held captive by typical MUSLIM TERRORIST STEREOTYPES. TONY STARK Why the fuck do I have a car battery attached to my chest? DR YINSEN Because you have shrapnel inside your chest. The battery powers an electromagnet so that you don't die. TONY STARK Wait, why didn't you just remove the shrapnel? Also, why am I not electrocuted or something? DR YINSEN Because if those things did happen, there won't be a movie, right? TONY STARK makes a suit of armor to escape, in a mind-numbingly awesome sequence. The GEEKS IN THE AUDIENCE furiously MASTURBATE. EXT.TONY STARK'S MALIBU MANSION PEPPER POTTS TONY, what the heck are you doing, wasting your time and money to make this stupid armor! Okay, we get it. It saved your life. Get over it. TONY STARK No, Gwyneth, I'm not listening to you because you're awfully miscast. PEPPER POTTS I hate you. TONY STARK Secks? OBADIA STANE manages some evil scheme that gives him a suit of armor which, in all respects is superior to TONY STARK's. Also, S.H.I.E.L.D. agents show up, trying to stop STANE, but somehow they all end up being squashed. S.H.I.E.L.D. is a fucking joke. TONY STARK Don't worry kids! I'm here to save the day! GIANT IRON MONGER looms in front of him OBADIAH STANE Look! TONY! In a very predictable plot twist, your mentor has turned against you! Insert typical villain laugh here! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! TONY STARK ...Fuck. EPIC BATTLE! ZOMG! THE AUDIENCE ORGASMS IN UNISON!
Yean, so in conclusion, you’re not missing much on Iron Man. It’s predictable. It’s HOLY FUCKING AWESOME VBYDKVSJuddauDFBKSBDS ;;;;; – I mean okay. Yeah. Okay. I mean, really.
NO I TAKE IT BACK IT’S THE MOST AWESOME FILM TO EVER HIT CINEMAS. WATCH IT OR I EAT YOUR CHILDREN.
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...and I don't know what I'm doing here.
