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Because he currently has a double-barrel shotgun pointed at my head as of this very moment, I will give in to Rico’s command request and post this. Because I value my life so.

Anyway, if you are out of a job, or looking for a new one, or if you just want to touch the Mike’s nipples because you’ll be working in the same office as he is, US Auto Parts Philippines is looking for people. So If you have the following:

• Experience with blogging platforms, preferably Wordpress
• Strong English communication skills
• Willingness to work full-time in the vicinity of Barangay Kapitolyo, Pasig City, Metro Manila, Philippines

Just email Rico here if you’re interested! Okay, Rico? You may put the big nice fucking gun down. Now.

…Rico?

DISCLAIMER: This is not paid for (although it would be nice *cough*) nor am I affiliated in any way with US Auto Parts. I am just nice like that.

If you’ve been reading my blog (I’m pretty sure you don’t. Ass.), you would probably figure out that this blog is a chronicle of my failures and embarrassments, and that I’m pretty sure I just lost all chances of getting a girlfriend or even future employment because of what I’ve been writing. Hence, I felt the need to not embarrass myself in real life and limit my (mis)adventures on the interwebs. This decision directly resulted in my not leaving home and just generally spend my life in front of my PC, downloading Maria Ozawa videos.

But I probably snapped by the 400th hour and gave up on this whole blogging hermit thing. So I decided to stop being such a social wallflower and decided to go to some blog events.

As promised, I did show up at iBlog 4, albeit late for like 6 hours. I did manage to catch the speeches of Noemi Dado and Ria Jose. I only managed to say a quick “Hi!” to Ria before she got whisked off by men in black suits and sunglasses for photos and autographs and shit like that (what an in-demand this Ria Jose is).

Isaw, we has it (photo by Maki)

I also saw Maki, Cai, Madz, Mica, BA, Tita Dine, Ting, Ozy, Kai, Uretz, Darwin, AJ, Juned, Luis, Jonel, among other bloggers. Ladies, sorry if I freaked you out and all. I promise to not eat five sitcks of isaw in under three seconds again. It was also nice seeing Liz again and knowing that she’s never changed, especially after she debated for like two hours straight with Ozy. Poor Ozy. He was such a nice kid.

And I noticed that a lot, and I do mean a LOT of i.PH bloggers are attending these events. Awesome right? (more…)

So today, I turned 25. Dammit, I’m old.

I don’t know. I used to look forward to my birthday because birthdays bring with them gifts, parties, and a generally happy atmosphere. Now I just dread them, mainly because it’s a reminder that I’ve wasted another year doing nothing but writing profane jokes in what the kids call a “blog” (seriously, what the hell is this thinggummy you kids call blogs? Is it an online diary or something? Coz that’s so gay).

So to start off my birthday, the construction workers in our street greeted me by way of this awesome dialogue repeated ad nauseam, a.k.a. conspiracy flashback:

Guy: PUTANG INA NAMAN! MAGSAING KA NA! MAGTATRABAHO PA AKO!
Wife: LECHE KA! KUNG DI MO INUBUS ANG PERA NATIN SA GIN KAGABI MAY ISASAING AKO!
Son: Ang iingay nyo! Di ako makapag konsentreyt sa laru ko! Binabato ko lahat ng dumadaan dito eh! Tapos mamaya sisinghot pa ako ng rugby habang kumakanta ng Salbakuta.
Guy: Ang galing mo anak! Keep it up, tatanda ka na katulad ko!
Son: Oo naman tay, idol kita eh! Hay payb!

I seriously don’t know of a better way to start off a birthday. A knifefight maybe? With the end result of one of the construction worker’s guts on the street just in front of our house? That would be perfect, but you have to remember: they took out the streets in our village and turned them into muddy mush!

Anyway, to remind me of my impending mortality (and alleged ambiguous sexuality. Those assholes), the monkeys over at The Man Blog Forum gave me these gifts:

Pau first figured out it was my birthday. Glad that there was somebody catching up with his age, he gave me this:

A Google image search result for the keywords “Ade gay”. Go figure.

(more…)

A couple of months ago, the water company decided, on a whim, to change all the water pipes in our area. It’s cool with me, considering the fact that most water pipes in this godforsaken country have been laid down way before WW II and are probably clogged with the bones of some Japanese soldier, and did I mention I drink water? So yeah.

But it never occurred to me that changing pipes is a complicated matter. They would dig up the pipes from the bottom of the ground, and remove the old one and then replace it with a shiny new pipe, then cover it up with soil and cement it all over again. And the whole time they’d have road signs saying “We don’t just lay pipes, we build lives” (and a million dirty jokes just went through my mind just like that. IKNOWRITE).

What they didn’t mention is that the entire damn process would take months. And to speed up the process, they decided to do all the streets in our village at the same time. Yes, at the same fucking time. And the geniuses at the water company effectively closed off all the major roads. Yay! (more…)

I know you’re probably fed up and pissed off with all my posts pimping my band and all, and you’re probably really uninterested and shit. I don’t blame you, really. I’m really, really very sorry. You see, I’ve been out of a band for years. It’s probably because my old bandmates kicked me out for my pathetic excuse of guitar skills. Wait, they didn’t kick me out. They all left the band – at the same time – and formed a new one, while ignoring my pleas to let me join them. Those assholes.

1995 – Ade discovers a stash of his dad’s old Beatles tapes. And spends seven years listening to nothing but The Beatles, which led to his being laughed at in school because everyone else was listening to classics such as “I Saw The Sign” and “Jabongga”.

1996 – Ade realizes that he could actually consider taking up playing the guitar. So he badgers his folks to buy him the cheapest guitar they could find.

Not an actual picture

1997 – Ade, with his best buddy Ker, decide to write songs and shit. We were able to write deep and meaningful songs such as Ang Brip Ko Ay Hindi Pink… Pulang Malabnaw Lang To. (more…)

So I spent last Saturday waking up at 3pm, going online, exchanging nonsensical banter with Sorsi (I mean 30 minutes wasted on ranting about Jollibee, of all things. WTF), talking to Juice,and generally being boring and shit. C’mon, I just spent my Friday and Saturday at home. Online. When nobody else is. So as I closed my laptop I sat back and wished for something exciting to happen today. Something. Anything.

Remember what they say about being careful of what you wish for?

Because the next thing I knew, my sister was running around in a panic screaming “GUYS THE NEIGHBOR’S HOUSE IS ON FIRE! FIRE! FIRE I TELLS YA!” Of course, being the idiot I am, instead of grabbing the nearest stuff to save, I watched her run around the room while I scratched my head, genuinely wondering what the hulabaloo is all about. After five minutes of watching her panic, I just had to ask her “When you say fire, you mean the take-down-your-entire-house-and-cause-massive-damage-to-life-and-property type fire?” which promptly earned me a slap on the forehead. You see, I failed to notice the fact that the fire is visible from the window behind my sister.

So I (slowly) went to check how bad the fire is. I also noticed that there was a tree between our neighbor’s house and our house, and that the branches of the tree were resting on our house’s roof. And of course, sparks were flying from the burning house to the tree. Then it (slowly, very slowly) dawned on me that somehow, there was a chance of the tree catching fire and maybe, just maybe, burning our (mostly-wood) house to the ground as well.

I know it doesn’t look scary here, but trust me it was big.

(more…)

So I just spent six days in Hong Kong, and I honestly feel it was too short. C’mon, I needed more time to ogle at the awesomely hot Chinese and European women who were all over the place. Sadly though, it was as cold as hell when we got there, so everyone was covered. In layers.

My kung fu is better than your kung fu

Hills, Hills, and More Hills
This little factoid I found out when I decided that public transport is too expensive and that the weather’s good and I needed the exercise anyway, I should walk to the places within walking distance. (more…)