The Top 5 Most Unfortunate Toy Ideas

Isn’t it awesome that we grew up with such wonderful toys such as LEGO, WWF Wrestling Figures, and Ghostbuster action figures? And now, imagine how sucky life is for kids today, for they have these toys to play around with:

5. Batman Water Squirter

C’mon guys, what could be manlier than Batman, that superhero that goes off into the night , beating up criminals and stuff? Heck, for a time I wanted to be like him.

Okay, not the sexual predator side of Batman, but if you didn’t find anything cool about having no superpowers at all, and possibly being the only guy who can take down Superman with nothing more than brains, you’re probably a girl.

So now imagine this: a kid, proud to have purchased his latest Batman-themed toy proudly shows off his stuff to his friends.

“Guys!” he says. “I have like the coolest thing ever! It’s a Batman water squirter!”

Of course his friends would gather around him, while the poor kid would wildly wave around the covered box in his hands while bragging about how his water squirter owns all their water squirters, because let’s face it- nobody wins in a fight against Batman.

Then, in a theatrical fashion, he reveals his new toy to the world:

A typical result of this disaster would be a bunch of kids laughing for twenty minutes straight and one little kid sobbing on a street corner hating the fuck out of Batman and anything batman-like for the rest of his life.

4. Harry Potter Nimbus 2000

So, yeah. It’s a Harry Potter broomstick. You mount it, run all over the house on it, much to the annoyance to your parents. So what’s the big deal right?

Well, according to the product description, the said Harry Potter Nimbus 2000 “features a grooved stick and handle for easy riding. Enhancing the excitement are the vibrating effects and magical swooping and whooshing sounds the broom makes when on.”

Wait, what was that? The broom vibrates? THE BROOM FUCKING VIBRATES?

I think it’s better to leave the rest to your imagination.

3. Dora The Explorer Aquapet

Dora The Explorer will always remain in my mind as that kid with that annoying show where she goes exploring and tries to speak in Spanish. Annoying as it can be, I’ve always thought of that show as an innocent ode to childhood, where everything is as is and does not in any way make thinly veiled references to sex.

Guess I was wrong.

2. Spongebob Squarepants Musical Rectal Thermometer

I’m pretty sure rectal thermometers are traumatic. I mean, having to have that cold piece of metal stuck in your rectum, and then having it stay for 30 seconds until the temperature readings come out. So yeah.

Now imagine going through the same process, but this time you have the face of Spongebob Squarepants sticking out of your butt while the theme song to his TV show plays in the background.

Thanks, Rico, for the link!

1. Mickey Mouse Massage Vibrator

This is the description from the eBay auction page:

This is Brand New Mickey Mouse Disney Cuties 100% Good Guy Massaging Vibrator. Very unique! Measures approximately 5-1/2 inches 14cm. Great addition to your collection!

Hm. Good enough. Now let’s check out the picture of the said offending toy:

There. Are. No. Words.

So have you found toys as evil as the five I’ve shown you? Or are you just pissed off because I destroyed your childhood innocence?

This entry was posted on Tuesday, February 26th, 2008 at 12:00 am and is filed under Featured Post, The Man Blog. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.

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23 Comments

Rico said on February 26, 2008:

First!

Jesus Christ Ade, you really know how to build up amazement with a series of pics!

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Euri said on February 26, 2008:

Is it just me or their gay items? WTF? O_o

Euri’s last blog post..I’m NOT an Emo

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mitch said on February 26, 2008:

The kid seems to enjoy the broom.

mitch’s last blog post..Oh, love.

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Doms said on February 26, 2008:

I want all of these!!!!!

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FunnySexy said on February 26, 2008:

Pass me one of those vibrators, please… I’ve been rather stressed lately. I need a massage of LOL.

FunnySexy’s last blog post..The Evolution of my Hair

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Ade said on February 26, 2008:

Y’know, I’m finding it disturbing that with the exception of Rico, only women bothered to comment.

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Rico said on February 26, 2008:

And I left a comment because I pointed you to the Spongebob Squarepants rectal thermometer.

Hmmmmm….

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Ade said on February 27, 2008:

[quote comment="119574"]And I left a comment because I pointed you to the Spongebob Squarepants rectal thermometer.

Hmmmmm….[/quote]

I knoes. And it makes me… sad. :(

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Rico said on February 27, 2008:

Really? Wouldn’t certain guys like the female comments?

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Ade said on February 27, 2008:

[quote comment="119579"]Really? Wouldn’t certain guys like the female comments?[/quote]

Well, more female commenters would be nice, if you know what I mean.

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Neil said on February 27, 2008:

(*looking at the Nimbus 2000 toy)

A twink, yeah. And his feet. Gawk.

——–

My dad was a toy product designer in China before. Even Christmas decors, too. You might have enjoyed one of his designed toys if you were into DC characters or Disney. But of course, I won’t tell you which toys he designed.

Neil’s last blog post..Top 10 December 2007 Nursing Board Exam Passers

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keysi said on February 28, 2008:

Dora the Explorer will now start exploring the insides of your tush. uyeah!

keysi’s last blog post..Welcome Luna!

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Helga said on February 29, 2008:

Now that Im living with my folks and in need of a…toy, discretion is key. So. Hook me up with that broomstick.

Helga’s last blog post..GOT MY HAIR DID.

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Poyt said on February 29, 2008:

Hmmm I wonder which one’s better?

Mickey Mouse or Harry Potter’s broomstick? Go for the vibrating power or the size?

LOL

Poyt’s last blog post..How I became a mushroom head

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trench said on March 1, 2008:

That dora toy had me rolling. Were they serious?? haha

trench’s last blog post..Dangerous Dan Henderson for the Win!

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eric said on March 2, 2008:

i can imagine Dora saying…

“Where are we going?”

In the virgin forest!!

LOOOOOOLs

eric’s last blog post..San Vicente Ferrer Chuch in Sabtang Batanes

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D said on March 4, 2008:

There’s also a Hello Kitty vibrator.

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Ade said on March 4, 2008:

[quote comment="119618"]There’s also a Hello Kitty vibrator.[/quote]

ZOMG you’re right. I mean, wow.

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Tee said on March 4, 2008:

My childhood… I feel as though it has been violently torn away from me!

Tee’s last blog post..Coffee and GERD, together at last!

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Nightdreamer said on March 6, 2008:

Among the five, I vote number 4 as the worst. I mean, you can really pick any broom at divisoria then get number 1 and you’ll already have the nimbus. Pwede pang pang-walis. ^_^

Nightdreamer’s last blog post..A Swarmer Dissedly

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Noelle said on March 6, 2008:

Oh. My. Gosh.

The subconscious will always find a way to assert itself, no?

Noelle’s last blog post..Ne-Yo Afterparty 1 March 2008 [Flickr]

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Ade said on March 7, 2008:

[quote comment="119631"]Among the five, I vote number 4 as the worst. I mean, you can really pick any broom at divisoria then get number 1 and you’ll already have the nimbus. Pwede pang pang-walis. ^_^

[/quote]

Good idea. We can patent that shit.

[quote comment="119633"]Oh. My. Gosh.

The subconscious will always find a way to assert itself, no?

[/quote]

Do you even need the subconscious? O_o

[quote comment="119621"]My childhood… I feel as though it has been violently torn away from me!

[/quote]

Sorry? :(

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Robtch said on March 28, 2008:

Hello!

Those toys are totally nuts!

What went through the developers minds?

I take it thery are all genuine toys and not fake?

I did not know if I should laugh or be offended actually…

Robtch

Robtch’s last blog post..Two Kid Movies in One Day

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Inner Child Therapy: On Aging

Ade:   This morning, I found three gray hairs on my head.
Inner Child:   So?
Ade:   That means I’m growing old, you insensitive sonofabitch.
Inner Child:   And tell me again, why should I care?
Ade:   Um, because you’re part of my subconscious?
Inner Child:   And?
Ade:   I knew it, you couldn’t care less if I’m on the road [...]

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