Inner Child Therapy: On Aging

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This entry is part 3 of 6 in the series Inner Child Therapy

Ade:   This morning, I found three gray hairs on my head.
Inner Child:   So?
Ade:   That means I’m growing old, you insensitive sonofabitch.
Inner Child:   And tell me again, why should I care?
Ade:   Um, because you’re part of my subconscious?
Inner Child:   And?
Ade:   I knew it, you couldn’t care less if I’m on the road to growing old. I’ll go find somebody to talk to.
Inner Child:   Wait, wait. You’re growing old?
Ade:   Apparently, yes. Y’see, we humans have something called a BODY. A body, which parts of the ego -like you- do not have, ages. And therefore, when the body ages, stuff happens, like an aching back, a thinning hairline, an expanding belly and an inability to sustain an erection for more than three seconds. And oh yeah, white hair.
Inner Child:   You mean… you can’t keep your birdie stiff for more than three seconds?
Ade:   NO! I didn’t mean me, I meant–
Inner Child:   But you just said–
Ade:   My point is, I’m growing white hair and I feel old.
Inner Child:   But what about your bird?
Ade:   Let’s not talk about THAT, okay?
Inner Child:   Why not?
Ade:   Let’s just talk about something else okay?
Inner Child:   Okay. Like what?
Ade:   Like my white hair and the prospect of aging. Man, I’m only 24. This shouldn’t happen to me.
Inner Child:   24? You’re old. Also, I can keep my birdie stiff for more than 3 seconds. I win!
Ade:   I… uh… nice to know. Can we stop making references to erectile dysfunction please?
Inner Child:   LOLz you said “erectile dysfunction”.
Ade:   What the fuck is wrong with you, kid?
Inner Child:   LOLz erectile dysfunction!
Ade:   …
Inner Child:   E-rec-tile Dys-func-tion! LOLz!
Ade:   Somehow, I fail to understand the fascination.
Inner Child:   LOLz what part of erectile dysfunction do you not find funny?
Ade:   Wait, let me think about it. Maybe it’s the part where I do not have it.
Inner Child:   But you’ll get it someday! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Ade:   Whatever.
Inner Child:   Why did the chicken cross the road?
Ade:   …
Inner Child:   BECAUSE OF… ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION! WAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Ade:   Um. That joke did not make any sense, y’see.
Inner Child: Of course it doesn’t. Neither does ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA–
Ade:   Dude, why the hell are you obsessed with erectile dysfunction? Are you gay or something?
Inner Child:   … what?
Ade:   You + obsession with flaccid penises = gay
Inner Child:   That’s not true!
Ade:   My dear young self, I’m only reporting what I see.
Inner Child:   My dear old self, you’re just growing cranky. And old.
Ade:   Exactly. I’m growing old. I’ll be hitting 25 in a few months, don’t you know? I’ll have lived a quarter of a century already! It… it feels I’ve lived for centuries already, but it’s still a blink of an eye on a universal scale. Yet… I still feel old. Can’t you grasp with your itty-bitty mind the significance of that?
Inner Child: … No.
Ade:   I hate you.
Inner Child:   Just kidding. You know what? There’s one good thing that can come out of aging. Wanna know what it is?
Ade:   What?
Inner Child:   ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION!!1111oneoneoneeleventyone
Ade:   Sh- shut up. Seriously. Just… shut up.