Noisy, Noisy Man

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Oh, wow. Look at this. The new year is a few minutes away and we’re all busy and shit preparing for it. But I’m taking a break from the revelries to take the time and greet you all a happy new year!

I’m curious. Do you still make new year’s resolutions? I, for one, stopped making them years ago because, well, who the heck was able to keep even one? Like me, for the last few years my one resolution was “I will exercise more regularly and lose weight.” By January 2, I’d be lying face down on the floor, wheezing from the fifth push-up and saying “Fuck it, I give up!”

This year I decided to make things a bit easier for me. I’ll be  making new year’s resolutions I can keep. Instead of beating myself up silly for broken promises, I’ll be able to pat myself on the back for a job well done. Read the rest of this entry »

I interrupt the retardery to bring you guys something really appaling. This is certainly something not everybody should go through, especially not during the Christmas season.

18 year-old Bambee dela Paz, student athlete, had gone through a horrible experience involving her family and some men in power.

I’ll let these snippets from her blog entry speak for itself.

So, I just had the worst day of my life.

At around 1:30 PM today, at Valley Golf and Country Club, Antipolo City, Mayor Nasser Pangandaman, Jr., Mayor of Masiu City, Lanao del Sur, his father, Secretary Nasser Pangandaman of the Department of Agrarian Reform, and company, beat my defenseless 56-year-old dad and my 14-year-old brother to a pulp because of some stupid misunderstanding on the golf course.

Things get heated up. Voices were raised. But never, in my wildest dreams, did I ever imagine that someone would pull out a punch. Apparently not. He attacks my father. His flightmates, maybe 2 or 3 of them, rush to his aid and beat up my father.

My 56-year-old father. My younger brother and I could not just watch. We rushed to break the fight. My younger brother pleads to the mayor to please stop it. To not hurt my dad. To just stop. His words still ring through my head…”Sorry na po, sorry na po…tama na…tama na po…” With his hands in front of his chest in a praying position. PLEADING. The mayor socks him in the face.

My brother defended himself. My dad is still on the ground getting clobbered. My brother is the same way. I try to stop the fight, but all I can do is stop one person. There were 4 or 5 of them attacking now.

Read the rest of this entry »

Hey there guys! I’m taking a break from the retardery to wish you all a wonderful Christmas. May your holidays be filled with goodness and cheer and alcohol and sex and all that other Christmassy shit.

Anyway, here’s a video of Achmed the dead terrorist singing a small Christmas ditty for all of you.

Merry Christmas!

Dear Ade,

I’m sorry if it took me two years to reply to that last letter you sent me. Thanks for asking about Rudolph, though. He got out of his coma quite quickly. In fact, he’s having great progress with his therapist. He now cries himself to sleep only intermittently. And his tic isn’t all that noticeable anymore.

As for me and the elves, we’re buried up to the neck making cheap rip-offs of this season’s latest toy. For kids. Get it? I exist for KIDS. Not for overweight internet writers in their mid-20s who specialize in “The Art of Dick Jokes.” Be thankful I even got to read your email in the first place. Stop resending the damn thing. You do realize that you’ve been sending the same email in triplicate for the last two years, haven’t you?

Honestly though, I’m at a loss as to what to give for these damn kids. Back then it was “Santa gimme a Tickle-Me-Elmo” or “Santa gimme a pony” or “Santa I want the Immature Radioactive Kung-Fu Warthog special super-action edition” or “Santa gimme a rainbow unicorn.” Read the rest of this entry »

The scenario

Lunchtime was just about over, and hordes of office drones are rushing to the elevator to get back to work (and by “work” I mean “surfing Friendster all day, looking for hot chicks to stalk”). People just want to go back and stalk that hot half-naked chick who looks like she’s been in a scandal which they saw on iyottube.com work. Elevators are sometimes amazingly slow. Oh wait, I mean “all the time.” Tempers are rising as people impatiently tap their feet on the ground floor.

Then

After a long and excruciating wait, an elevator opens, and everyone is stoked to see only one guy inside. The twenty people who have been waiting for an elevator quickly move in.

This pretty much happened

Somehow, nobody realized that the sole person inside the lift is an asshole. Read the rest of this entry »