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Happy New Year everyone! 2007 has come and gone, and has assraped us all so awesomely.

Google Image Search result for “New Year”. Let the WTFs roll.

This year has like been the worst year of my life for reasons I can’t blog about lest this turns into a mushy emofest like LiveJournal. So instead I’ll distract you from badgering me about the details of my sucky year and present you with the obligatory best of 2007 post. I did this last year, and this is one of the few times where I actually do a meme of sorts, and for my new readers, this is a chance to sift through the best of my overly convoluted archives. (more…)

I hate fitting rooms. It’s not really the happiest of experiences when you try to put on the, um, “hippest” clothes, only to find out in dismay that the clothes look horrible on you. And you’d have somebody waiting outside the dressing room, waiting for you to show them how you look.

You cower in one corner, begging to not show them how you look like. Then you’d get a stern voice coming from outside the dressing room, saying “Gerard Adrian, if you don’t come out here this very moment, I’ll leave you alone in the dressing room. And have that serpent-man who lives in the bowels of the mall come up there and eat you. And I’ll throw in a tear gas grenade in there as well. Just get the fuck out!”

A few tearful tantrum-filled minutes later, you would hesitantly open the dressing room door, in the shittiest clothes ever, and you’d find about twenty people (mostly women) staring at you and stifling their laughter because you’re dressed like a Mexican.

Yeah, I have like the shittiest childhood ever. Fuck you.
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At this time I am probably in a place where the internet is unheard of. I would be residing in a nipa hut and would be waiting silently until my colleagues have captured some wild boars. Later we shall feast on raw meat and wild berries while we do a rain dance. Hence, I posted this in advance so that, grouch as I am, I can greet you guys a Merry Christmas!

And in line with tradition, just like last year, I post this – my favorite rendition of a Christmas classic:

Via Zombies Comic.

Merry Christmas guys, and have a Happy New Year!

One of the biggest reasons why I bought an ASUS Eee (which I call “MacEnvy” because of its uncanny similarity with a MacBook) is the form factor. I mean, it’s so frigging small and cute that it’s a guaranteed chick magnet. Not unlike using a very cute baby to walk around the mall with, in the hopes of finding an extremely hot lady who’ll go googly-eyed over the kid.

But then if I had a cute baby on me I wouldn’t need to go around hunting for women, and kidnapping a baby to use as woman bait is out of the question (I promise to never do it again), I’d have to make do with this cute and sexy laptop of mine. I can actually imagine myself, hanging out at the Gateway foodcourt, leeching the shit out of their free wi-fi because I’m too cheap to buy a router, with my Eee, surfing the internet, writing a blog entry, and all that. Then, a really hot lady would walk up to me, and the following conversation ensues:

Lady: Excuse me.
Me: Yes?
Lady: I know you’re pretty busy and all but that is like the sexiest laptop I have ever set my eyes on.
Me: Oh, why thank you dear. Would you like to touch my, um, laptop?
Lady: Only on one condition.
Me: And that is?
Lady: I’ll touch your laptop if you touch my desktop. At home.
Me: Deal. Also, secks?
Lady: Yes.

Terrible sexual innuendos aside, though, the Eee is indeed an attention-grabber. I’ve been getting looks from various people whenever I bring it along. But I think it’s more of the “hey, isn’t that the fat guy who’s been looking at us in a perverted way and tried to steal the brownies we’ve been eating? Should we call the cops?” look. (more…)

Dear Nose,

So how are you doing? I sure hope that all is well and good, and that you and your family (that little thing we call the “respiratory system”) are doing great. I do my best to take care of you all by not smoking, trying hard to not breathe in pollution, and by not inhaling anthrax. So I must be sure you’re doing good. I wish I could say the same for me, but here’s a little problem: you’re making me fucking sneeze all morning long.

It’s the first day of my Christmas leave, you see? I woke up after an awesome full night’s sleep (one of two things I haven’t had in a long time. The other is secks) expecting to have a busy day ahead, with me torrenting lots of movies, porn, games, and basically being a bum. A busy bum. Awesome, right? Well, I thought it was going to be, until hay fever kicked in. (more…)

I just realized that it’s only a few more days till Christmas, and I still haven’t shopped for a thing yet. So now I run the risk of losing a sizable number of friends, and I don’t want to lose any more especially after the last time I failed to give anybody anything for Christmas.

But the thing is, I’m sort of broke right now due to a certain really impulsive purchase I made around last week, and I’m contemplating robbing a bank or holding a head of state hostage so that I can afford to give anybody gifts. But everybody knows I am incapable of committing crime, so I’ll probably give head to random passers-by in a secluded Quiapo alleyway. But let’s just pretend I don’t do that and that I’m actually a dangerous convict who robs banks for the heck of it.

So I ran into the mall panting like crazy. It’s only a few days before Christmas. I’m becoming desperate, and time is running out. I need to get gifts. Fast. Before my friends kill me. As I get into the awesomely crowded department store I push about twenty people – including a pregnant woman, an iPod-wearing metro fag with a pink t-shirt on, and an elderly lady – out of my way.

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As everybody and their mother knows, I have been lusting for the ASUS eeePC since time immemorial. When I say “lusting”, I mean “keep me away from the nearest eeePC because I swear, I will dry hump that bitch if I ever get my hands on one.” Well, I actually had the same feeling when I saw an iPod nano way back in 2005. I knew it wouldn’t be a wise purchase because my shuffle was still working faithfully. Well, a year later I was dry humping a baby blue iPod nano 2nd gen (yes, I know, baby blue. How manly. Shut up).

It was by then I realized that I have a little problem. No, I’m not talking about my penis size, you perv (that’s a huge problem. Har, har har). I’m talking about my seemingly innate ability to not save up. Just put a huge amount of cash on my hands, and I’d walk away with the most useless of things. By the time I need to spend for things I really need, I’d be broke. Yay! (more…)