Down The Highway: An Advice Column for Emos - 9 » Noisy, Noisy Man | Your daily dose of retard

Down The Highway: An Advice Column for Emos - 9

November 9th, 2007 Posted in DtH

Dear DtH,

I’ve been on a more-than-usual misery trip, and this led to me being depressed (more than usual) for quite some time, for no apparent reason. Okay, I actually ran out of black eyeliner, but do you really need a reason for misery?

So yeah, I was feeling sulkier than usual. And since I’ve never tried the arcane art of making oneself bleed, I decided to have a go at it. I grabbed a really sharp knife from the kitchen, hid in my room, and in the midst of the music of Panic! At the Disco, I gave my flesh a nice, stinging jab from the sharp edge of the knife.

And it hurt.

I know most people would say that the pain outside only dulls the pain inside. No. It hurt like hell, DtH. It hurt like hell. I screamed, woke up my parents who were sleeping in the next room, and begged them to rush me to the hospital to give me a Tetanus shot. After hours of begging, I finally made them take me to the E.R., only to realize I have a fear of needles and I faint at the sight of them. No more self-inflicted injury for me, nosiree.

Now I have a five-millimeter long wound at my left arm and I gently change the Winnie-the-Pooh band-aid on it everyday. Religiously. And I cry when I change my bandages, because they hurt on the inside. Since I have proven to the world how much of a wimp I am, does that make me a true-blooded emo?

- ~eMoBoi~

Dear ~eMoBoi~,

Wow.

I seriously don’t know what to say. You, um, tried to commit suicide, yet you failed? That’s like… failing at failing. I suggest an extra-strong dose of anesthesia next time. Oh wait, you’re afraid of needles. Um.

Seriously though. Wrist slashing isn’t that bad. You’ll just end up with a huge gaping wound on your arm, where you could see through your blood sputtering in quarts all over the floor. And then you’d realize that you’re losing blood, but you won’t die. You’ll just end up living the rest of your life with a big-ass scar on your wrist and you’ll get wide-eyed stares from strangers who’ll avoid you like the plague. See? It’s awesomemiffic. Yay!

Also, Winnie the Pooh? What the fuck? Is that what makes you hardcore or something?

Wrist-slashingly yours,

DtH

***

Dear DtH,

I broke up with my boyfriend the other week, and naturally, I locked myself up in my room for three days, wallowing in my misery and listening to Fall Out Boy, Paramore, and Dashboard Confessional. By the second day I was so caught up in their music that I was able to put my feelings to words by way of poetry:

Your uncaring ways drench me in sorrow.
Your obese ways drench you in sweat and cholesterol.
I hope the sweet hands of cardiac arrest take you soon.

I defenestrate all my feelings for you.
I don’t know what “defenestrate” means,
but it sounds cool.
And emo.
Slashing wrists brb.

But it was too much. I could not keep my inner poetry. I had to find a way to express my thoughts and feelings. I grab a red marker, take out all my posters of My Chemical Romance off my walls, and I write. On my wall. For twelve hours straight. So now I’m staring at my wall, and I realize that there’s no space anymore. Oh, what do I do, DtH? I am overflowing with these words, these soliloquies of my misery! Where can I write my beautiful poetry?

- Running out of walls to write on

Dear Running out of walls to write on,

Know what? I’m rather disturbed. You care more about the lack of walls to write on than the more important things in life– like your apparent incurable bouts of depression (which a healthy slash to the jugular won’t cure) and your poetry, which I must say, is amazing. Amazingly sucky.

To answer your problem with the walls, by the way, here’s a sure-fire, no-brainer solution that will ensure you of endless writing space in the years to come:

How to give Running out of walls to write on an almost-infinite supply of surfaces to write on

Get a bucket of white paint and a big brush
Carefully paint over vandalized walls
Leave your windows open, you moron
Let the paint dry
Write over whitewashed walls
Repeat steps 1 - 5 ad nauseam
Optional: buy a notebook instead

Yeah, notebooks. At least they’re portable. And they can be private- you don’t have to force your horrid poetry on those who don’t want to be scarred for life. And you don’t have to paint over them– no, you don’t put wipe-out over your notebook! YOU’RE DOING IT WRONG!

Sadly yours,

DtH

———-
Lost? Need advice? Send me your emo letters here!

All editions of Down the Highway can be found here.

This entry was posted on Friday, November 9th, 2007 at 4:00 pm and is filed under DtH. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.

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26 Comments

evilpupil said on November 9, 2007:

Hey Ade, I need to ask you something through email, something about your current hosting. I can’t find your email address here, can you send me a message at evilpupil@gmail.com? Thanks much. :]

evilpupil’s last blog post..A little too green.

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Helga said on November 9, 2007:

F you! I listen to P!ATD!

Helga’s last blog post..LIFTED FROM TMB: SLUM [sic] BOOK (GALORE).

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Juice said on November 9, 2007:

I listen to all the bands you mentioned here. Hahahaha.

Juice’s last blog post..Three Things

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alohapenny said on November 10, 2007:

Its been a while, i was wondering when the next edition would be and here it is!
[quote comment="89893"]I listen to all the bands you mentioned here. Hahahaha.[/quote]
me too :(

alohapenny’s last blog post..Their Thoughts

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Ade said on November 10, 2007:

[quote comment="89854"]F you! I listen to P!ATD! [/quote]

And you haven’t slashed your wrists yet?

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keysi said on November 10, 2007:

i listen to dashboard confessional. they’re like the emoest. yeah.

keysi’s last blog post..From Call Center Agent to Manager in 2 Years

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Steel said on November 11, 2007:

Those testosterone boys and hard to play girls — such funny characters!

Steel’s last blog post..Link Love

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sarah said on November 11, 2007:

out of the topic comment: I aswered your confused comment on my blog…the pic was posted out of spontaniety so wasn’t able to put an explanation…but now it does! yech

sarah’s last blog post..analette exposed!

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Ade said on November 12, 2007:

[quote comment="90580"]i listen to dashboard confessional. they’re like the emoest. yeah.
[/quote]

What’s your excuse?

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Maki said on November 12, 2007:

Fall Out Boy + Dashboard Confessional + My Chemical Romance= EMO!!! (with an echo :p)

Argh, LSS on “Stolen”..ek :p

Maki’s last blog post..Because I value my Blog

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Cheska said on November 12, 2007:

ade! i give you one looooong hug coz u liked my new haircut and i like getting compliments coz they are very rare. =)

i think i have a crush on emoboi. give him my YM id so we can chat.

Cheska’s last blog post..what’s new?

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Helga said on November 13, 2007:

[quote comment="90261"][quote comment="89854"]F you! I listen to P!ATD! [/quote]

And you haven’t slashed your wrists yet?[/quote]

LOL, Ade. I also used to slash my wrists, but they weren’t caused by P!ATD. Next time I see you, I will cause a very very awkward moment and show you my left arm.

Helga’s last blog post..A NON-CALL CENTER FUTURE, I WILL HAVE IT.

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Ade said on November 13, 2007:

[quote comment="92348"]LOL, Ade. I also used to slash my wrists, but they weren’t caused by P!ATD. Next time I see you, I will cause a very very awkward moment and show you my left arm.[/quote]

Holy shit. I shut up nao.

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Nwil said on November 14, 2007:

Will these bands really make me mad? I thought listening to Rachelle Ann Go’s ASAP live performances are enough to make me running amok.

Lol. @_@

Nwil’s last blog post..changing

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jv_girl said on February 3, 2008:

i like/love and enjoy ur advices n_n especially to those emo’s, lolz..although i dnt wnt to get a doze of ur retardness for myself..hehehe..and tz because i’m not EMO..i dnt try so hard to be emotionally abnormal..that’s scarry and more retard. soo..keep givin them those useful advices^^ i do think they need it more than they’ll ever knw ;p nd soo..i cud keep myself LOL in front of my computer while my mom nd dad look at me and wonder. I dnt rili plan to send you a comment cuz..i cn tell and so i knw and definitely sure your retarded..but i cnt help it;p

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thegreatest said on February 3, 2008:

[quote comment="119305"]i like/love and enjoy ur advices n_n especially to those emo’s, lolz..although i dnt wnt to get a doze of ur retardness for myself..hehehe..and tz because i’m not EMO..i dnt try so hard to be emotionally abnormal..that’s scarry and more retard. soo..keep givin them those useful advices^^ i do think they need it more than they’ll ever knw ;p nd soo..i cud keep myself LOL in front of my computer while my mom nd dad look at me and wonder. I dnt rili plan to send you a comment cuz..i cn tell and so i knw and definitely sure your retarded..but i cnt help it;p[/quote]

Oh Christ. You had me at LOLz?

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Lauren said on February 3, 2008:

^ She had me at advices. And emo’s.

Lauren’s last blog post..The Male Feminist Experience

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Ade said on February 4, 2008:

Hey guys, guys. Lay off JV Girl. She added me on Friendster. We’re, erm, friends now.

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WiLL said on February 6, 2008:

[quote comment="119318"]Hey guys, guys. Lay off JV Girl. She added me on Friendster. We’re, erm, friends now.[/quote]

That doesn’t mean you can’t give your friends a good burn. Hehehe.

WiLL’s last blog post..33 and counting

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jv_girl said on February 6, 2008:

[quote comment="119352"][quote comment="119318"]Hey guys, guys. Lay off JV Girl. She added me on Friendster. We’re, erm, friends now.[/quote]

That doesn’t mean you can’t give your friends a good burn. Hehehe.

WiLL’s last blog post..33 and counting[/quote]

ya! ryt! whatevs..lolz again;p
w8..i think it shows that you wnt one? r u his friend? “Hehehe”^^

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WiLL said on February 6, 2008:

[quote comment="119357"]
ya! ryt! whatevs..lolz again;p
w8..i think it shows that you wnt one? r u his friend? “Hehehe”^^[/quote]

I can manage on my own, thank you very much. Hehehehe.

WiLL’s last blog post..33 and counting

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jv_girl said on February 7, 2008:

[quote comment="119358"][quote comment="119357"]
ya! ryt! whatevs..lolz again;p
w8..i think it shows that you wnt one? r u his friend? “Hehehe”^^[/quote]

I can manage on my own, thank you very much. Hehehehe.

WiLL’s last blog post..33 and counting[/quote]

good for you!^^ “Hehehe + he” u knw what? same here:D i’m so surprise! it’s what we have in common all along…lolz to you.

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jv_girl said on February 7, 2008:

lolz to “thegreatest” amd “lauren” too..for showing us how much they’re hook to “jerry maguire” ahhw.. do u have another quote from the movie? i knw i cud relate cuz i’ve seen it too..although that movie’s rili old already..got somethin new?:D

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Helga said on February 7, 2008:

[quote comment="119371"]lolz to “thegreatest” amd “lauren” too..for showing us how much they’re hook to “jerry maguire” ahhw.. do u have another quote from the movie? i knw i cud relate cuz i’ve seen it too..although that movie’s rili old already..got somethin new?:D[/quote]

OH SNAAAAHAAAAPZZZZ, LAUREN & THEGREATEST! JV_GIRL GOT YOU! What a witteh, this jv_girl person.

Helga’s last blog post..BIBI GONE BYE-BYE. FOR NOW.

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Anne said on February 8, 2008:

Well, somebody just bloody murdered the English language. FUCKEN SYNTAX GENOCIDE, I TELLS YA!

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Jayvee said on February 8, 2008:

LOL attack grammar nazis is now.

Jayvee’s last blog post..Nike Zoom Kobe III Commercial

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