Noisy, Noisy Man

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Mr. Ade Magnaye,

It has come to my attention that in the seven months since you became single, your financial, emotional, sexual, and physical well-being has been in a state of constant decline. Yes, I know, you have the urge to tear this letter apart this very moment, and I don’t blame you. In fact, you have every reason to tear this letter apart and jump from the roof of your garage and land facefirst onto the pavement. Again. Hey, it’s your life and I don’t care if you want to waste it by being depressed like fuck and hiding under a blanket and the 20+ pillows you keep in your bedroom.

But hey, hear me out for once, okay? You fucking need some straightening out. Read the rest of this entry »

I can’t believe that it’s almost December already. Soon enough, I’ll be braving the crowds (and possibly a knife between my ribs) to get gifts for my (alarmingly decreasing number of) friends and family (who apparently read my blog and are one step away from disowning me). The gifts, as always, will consist of these items:

• Socks (in orange, lime green and baby blue)
• Handkerchiefs
• Belly button lint
• Mongo sprouts (I grew them myself)
• This

But even though I work very hard to give people the things that they want for Christmans, I rarely get things that I like for Christmas, since Santa Claus is an asshole and never gave me a single thing ever. So yeah, my Christmases past are EPIC FAIL:
 

Wrong.

 
To make sure that nobody makes the mistake of giving me a used life-sized David Hasselhoff doll again, I shall proceed in enumerating the things I want for Christmas. Take note, people. Read the rest of this entry »

 
 
 
BEOWULF IN 5 MINUTES
(SORRY)

 
 
 
INT. Heorot, ancient Denmark. Inside a great hall, where people are naked, getting drunk, having hot torrid sex, and acting like total douchebags. Yes, this is a children’s film. Enjoy.
 
 
 

 
 
 
SCENE: GRENDEL, a horribly disfigured creature, crashes into the hall.
 
 
 

A few weeks ago, at The Mordo and Sexy Nomad’s awesomiffic Halloween Party, I had my palm read by Cheska. It was all going kind of nice and well, until she got to the obligatory “your life will be a total mess courtesy of some divine intervention but this sort of intervention is probably done by Satan, because you’ll get fucked up REAAAAL bad it’s unbelievable” part. So the conversation went a little something like this:

Cheska:    Show me your palm so I can read– HOLYFUCKINGSHIT.

Me:    What?

Cheska:   OH LORD THIS IS HORRIBLE.

Me:   What? What do you see? WHAT DO YOU SEE, WOMAN?

Cheska:   I THINK I’M GONNA FAINT–

Me:   WILL I DIE IN A CAR CRASH? WILL I GET HORRIBLY DISFIGURED IN A FREAK ACCIDENT? WILL MY PENIS GET CUT OFF BY AN EVIL SCHEMING WIFE? WILL SHE SELL MY PENIS ON EBAY? WHAT? WHAT? WHAT?!?!?!111one

Cheska:   I chipped a nail! And I just had a manicure! OH NOES!

Me:   Wait, what?

Cheska:   So, yeah. Horrible.

Me:   Whew. I thought you were seeing some dark horrible fate that will befall me–

Cheska:   Also, you’ll go nowhere in your current job. You’ll quit and look for greener pastures, but you just don’t have any skills whatsoever, marketable, practical or sexual. Your college classmates will get filthy rich, hobnobbing with stars such as Kristine Hermosa, Angel Locsin and Dominic Ochoa. And you’ll blow your life savings on your blog and you’ll end up sucking dicks along Quiapo just to pay for hosting fees. You’ll also live in a cardboard box for ten years, and spend seven of it without taking a bath. And also, your wife will dump you for some hot dreamy Russian guy named Vladimir who runs a vodka company. And I wouldn’t mind doing him myself. Also, your wife’s named “Amelhia Phamela” but her real name is “Juanitho Rhodolfo”. Well, at least that was her name before the sex change. By the way, you’ll die in your sleep–

Me:   Oh. At least… I get a good death.

Cheska:   –after an MMDA demolition guy wearing heavy-duty metal-toe boots accidentally steps on your head during a sidewalk clearing operation.

Me:   … Fuck.

So yeah, that was a very optimistic outlook for the rest of my life. Now, I don’t necessarily believe in fortune tellers and any other sort of sorcery like that (unlike this fairy midget), but then hearing things like that are, well, in a word, depressing. Well, imagine being told about these stupid turns your life will take. It’s not exactly the happiest thing to hear. It’s not the fortune teller’s fault, but still, they make you realize stuff. Read the rest of this entry »

Dear DtH,

- ~eMoBoi~

Read the rest of this entry »