LOL You Punch Like A Girl!

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I dunno about you ladies, but there’s this thing called “pride” that we men subscribe to. We don’t admit to feeling pain, even until you chop our arms off and lob off our legs with a broadsword. We’d still laugh in your face, and say threats like “You may have cut off my arms and legs, but you have not cut off my most important weapon: the penis! I’ll dickslap you to death, bitch!” or something intelligent like that.

Anyway, all I’m saying is that we all have delusions of awesomeness, we all pretend to not feel pain because we’re actually really awesome like that due to the size of our testicles. No, really.

Case in point: just last Saturday, we were having another TMB celebraganza somewhere in Makati and while we were waiting for Teh Mordo and Mike to arrive, me and Lauren had this most interesting conversation:

Lauren: You know what? I punch like a girl.

Me: Well, first off, you are a girl–

Lauren: And..?

Me: And girls aren’t supposed to punch well.

Lauren: What’s that supposed to mean?

Me: I mean, girls. Girls aren’t supposed to punch. They’re the ones who are supposed to be punched. And exchanged for a Crispa T-shirt and a Kamayan gift certificate.

At this point, Lauren throws a punch. A rather painful punch.

Me: (draws deep, ragged breath, grits teeth)

Lauren: Well?

Me: T-t-t-that wasn’t… painful.

Lauren: Oh yeah? How come you’re sweating like mad and clutching your chair like you’re about to fall off?

Me: No I’m not.

Lauren: What do you call that?

Me: What?

Lauren: That!

Me: What?

Lauren: …

Me: Punch me again.

Cue: Wet sound of breaking bones.

Me: That didn’t hurt, no siree. Nnnnnnnno. You punch like a gir-

Lauren throws another punch. This time, it misses my arm by an inch and it lands on my rib. A crippling flash of pain shoots out.

Me: YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH—–

Lauren: (excitedly) NOW it hurts! Amirite? AMIRITE?!

Me: –AAAAAAAAAHH– That tickes! IT FUCKING TICKLES!

Lauren: Okay, so how am I supposed to punch then?

Me: Well, I’d love to teach you, but my shoulder’s kinda dislocated right now. Can you give me a moment while I set it back in place?

Lauren: Ade, are you sure you’re alright?

Me: Okay, so pardon my right arm if it just limps around lifelessly. It tends to do that. So this is how you throw a punch–

Lauren: Ade, seriously, if your arm is hurting me can just stop this–

Me: NO! I’M OKAY!11 I AM FRIGGING OKAY! PUNCH ME ONE MORE TIME–

Lauren punches me again– this time, straight in the face. I fall off my chair.

Lauren: OH MY GOD! ADE I’M SO SORRY–

Me: (climbs back on chair, nose bleeding) I’m okay! I’m okay! I-I-I-I’m okay!

Lauren: B-b-b-but—

Me: (coughs out blood) I’m okay!

Lauren: Ade, I’ll get a doctor. Seriously.

Me: NO! I’M OKAY! OKAY, I TELLS YA!

I finally slump over, unconscious. Blood is spilling everywhere.

Lauren: Um guys? I think I killed him. Um, help?

But seriously, her punches didn’t hurt a bit. For real. It was like a girl punching me. Also, if you see me within the next two months wearing an arm cast, it’s not Lauren’s fault. I’m just wearing that to look cool. Yeah. That’s it. Because I’m rugged like that and I pick random fights with Koreans and shit. Girls dig that, you see.

So, have you had any similar experiences? Tell me all about it by leaving a comment!