“I’d like to have some coffee please,” I told the barista at the coffee shop I usually frequent.
“Certainly,” said the barista. “We have a splendid amount of choices. Do you fancy hot coffee, iced coffee or a frappucinno?”
“Erm,” I replied, taken aback at the number of choices. “Well, since it’s raining real hard outside and it’s so cold my nipples can cut through glass right now, I’ll probably go for the hot coffee.”
“Great choice!” he answered, with the standard fake enthusiasm that seems to be the de facto thing among baristas and telemarketers. “Now sir, if you look at the menu, the ‘Hot Coffee’ submenu has ten different sub-submenus with twenty items under each sub-submenu, so that you can choose one coffee brew tailored specifically for your taste–”
“Wait, wait. I just want a mug of regular, plain old coffee–”
“Ah yes sir, but, remember, you are special. You do not deserve to get plain old regular coffee. You deserve to spend a hundred bucks or more for an overpriced mug of coffee that you will nurse for an hour or two because you paid a hell lot for it, while you sit in our elegantly snazzy coffee shop, reading Paolo Coelho, which makes you look like a douchebag. Twice over. Remember sir, you are special.”
Doucebag Barista
At this point, I was getting quite upset. I could feel my blood pulsing on my temples, and my hands were starting to shake vigorously.
“I. Don’t. Care. Just. Give. Me. A. Fucking. Mug. Of. Coffee.”
I could see that the barista’s grin was suddenly becoming quite forced. He was giving me that constipated look, which was quite unnerving for me.
“Sir, we have like ten million coffee varieties in our menu. You have to choose. Please.”
“WHY THE HELL DO I HAVE TO CHOOSE?! WHY, BACK IN MY DAY, WE DIDN’T HAVE THESE TRENDY COFFEE SHOPS! WE’D HAVE TO WAIT FOR DAYS IN THE JUNGLE FOR WILD CATS TO SHIT OUT THE BEANS THEY DIGESTED AND THEN WE’D CLEAN THE BEANS OUT AND GRIND THEM AND BOIL THEM UP AND WE’D HAVE CAT SHIT COFFEE!”
I CAN HAS COFFEEMAKER?
“Sir, calm down–”
“No! You just made me upset! And do you know what happens when I become upset?!”
“Sir–”
“I say penis! A LOT! In fact I feel like screaming–”
“–there’s no need to–”
“PENIS!”
“–please sir, you’re disturbing–”
“PENIS!”
“–if you want to, I can–”
“PENIS! PENIS! PENIIIIIIIIIIS!”
“–sir, you’re scaring the Koreans at the table on the right–”
“KOREAN PENIS!”
At this point the Koreans at the next table were visually horrified. They stood up and did various Tae Kwan Do stances, and muttering in Koreanese about destroying “this man who has the gall to make fun of our sacred three-inchers.”
I tried to reason with them. I told them that I’m not looking for any trouble, I just wanted to buy coffee.
Suddenly a Korean came out of nowhere and did a Vulcan Nerve Pinch on me.
I then lose consciousness.
***
I woke up later in Pansol, Laguna, drenched in the rain, various body parts aching (not orifices, I must clarify) and with twenty missed calls on my phone. Good thing those wild forest cats found me and nursed me to health. Also, they had a mug of cat shit coffee already prepared for me when I woke up.
Turns out that I’ve been missing for two days already and that I’ve been dumped for dead. And I would’ve been as good as dead too, if a car being driven by Maria Ozawa didn’t pass by and offered me a ride back home and we made out on the way despite my near death experience (just play along please :( ).
When I got home, I found out that the blogosphere and Twitter was already abuzz with news of me missing, but that’s another story. I heard Noelle was already prepared to write my obituary on her blog so that she’d benefit from my link juice (not my awesome Ade Juice. Sigh.)
Anyway, when I heard that people actually thought I was dead, it made me so upset. In fact, as I’m writing this entry I’m feeling much, much upset that I feel like saying peni—
Pingbacks to “At The Coffee Shop”
31 comments to “At The Coffee Shop”
hee hee, i didn’t even know you were gone! anyway, all’s well that ends well. ;)
Dibs at the Vulcan Nerve Pinch!
…………
…….
What’s a Vulcan Nerve Pinch?
Hahahahaa!! If you want a normal coffee just say Americano and they’ll give you that. Scratch all the other choices at those fancy coffee shops.
No wonder! I was in twitter and realized, “hey, someone’s missing” until Heneroso pointed it out and yeahh, “Ade’s usual braintwitterfarts!” You’re back anyway. Haha.
And I had a damn good obituary written up, too. :(
;)
Hahaha! Crazy!
All that trouble just for a cup of coffee! And you didn’t even get that!
What?! You really did go missing? I thought that was just a joke. :D Anyway, haha, napatawa mo na naman ako. Kakaiba ka! :P That barista was really annoying. lol.
I can has cat shit coffee plz? >_
I suggest you try Kopiko…
That is one cute little pussy.
I have a strong feeling you’re never going to be invited at the next blog gathering that’s going to take place in a coffee shop.
Unless of course you bring your own coffee or you talk with the organizers so that they could arrange for the baristas to prepare your cat shit coffee and get rid of the Koreans ahead of time.
So that you won’t be be able get upset and say penis. Oh sh*t! now you got me saying that too,
KOREAN PENIS!
I prayed for you. Twice!
Hi there! I see that you will be attending the second Taste Asia event tomorrow. Hope to see you there! Happy blogging!
[quote comment="68393"]Dibs at the Vulcan Nerve Pinch!
…………
…….
What’s a Vulcan Nerve Pinch?[/quote]
I’ll demo it to you at Taste Asia, don’t worry. And I’ll dump you in Manila Bay!11
[quote comment="68461"]And I had a damn good obituary written up, too. :(
;)[/quote]
You could still post it though. I’ll, um, just pretend to be dead.
[quote comment="68590"]What?! You really did go missing? I thought that was just a joke..[/quote]
Didn’t you see Aaron Roselo going all panicy last week?!
[quote comment="68735"]I prayed for you. Twice![/quote]
Yay Helgrr! Make out with– um wait.
[quote comment="68706"]KOREAN PENIS![/quote]
No.
…THREE-INCH KOREN PENIS!
Wait, you were the guy I did the Vulcan Nerve Pinch on? Anioooo!
[quote comment="68911"]Wait, you were the guy I did the Vulcan Nerve Pinch on? Anioooo![/quote]
Wait, you know what a Vulcan Nerve Pinch is?
*clears throat*
Would you like to take a ride on my, um, Starship Enterprise?
You mean most people don’t know what it is? It’s as ubiquitous as cyworld and clubbox for us erm, Koryans!
Hahahahha
thatsagood one .
for F#@$%^K s@k3
die-b@r!sta- d!e.ROFL!
Hm.. yeah, a lot of people complain about the overpriced coffee that had become way too popular.
Anyway, I read Paolo Coehlo. I liked The Alchemist.. but.. I don’t know.. I thought I will like “By The River Piedra I Sat Down and Wept” but halfway through the book.. I don’t know.. all the religious things in it turned me off. I’m not saying I’m an atheist.. I just didn’t like the book. HAHAH…
Oh well, I think Koreans are pretty. Even the boys.
So you like girls who pray! *jots that down in her How To Do Ade list*
[quote comment="69002"]So you like girls who pray! *jots that down in her How To Do Ade list*[/quote]
Yays! Also, I like them praying the rosary. Twice!
[quote comment="68987"]
Oh well, I think Koreans are pretty. Even the boys.[/quote]
Well then, you should probably try visiting here more often. The Koreans like outnumber us three to one! OMG!
Um, is congratulations in order being still alive? Hehe. Good thing you’re ok. A lot of people were worried.
Unfortunately, I was so out of the loop at that time that I only found out about your disappearance after you surfaced. Next time you plan to go missing, I suggest you send a twit to everyone before going MIA. Haha
U can has cofi mekur! Is not dat expensuv.
& U is alive! Gr8! =^.^= LOLLLLLL
Yes I is alive but I think people hate me because they were hoping I was really dead!!!!11 :(
Ah, so you’re now the boy who lives. Anyway, consider yourself lucky… we don’t have any trendy coffee shops here. But they do make very good espresso coffee in most restaurants.
[quote comment="68461"]And I had a damn good obituary written up, too. :(
;)[/quote]
Where? I wanna read it!