I’d hit it. Twice! Thrice, even!
– Oscar Wilde on Maria Ozawa
Fig. 1: Maria Ozawa
Okay, not really.
In case you have been living under a rock for the past two years, Maria Ozawa is this wonderfully beautiful Japanese actress who starred in wholesome family-friendly films such as “Obscene Nymphomaniac 5″, “Let’s Do It At School”, and “Popular Fashion Model Maria Ozawa Nakadashi Raped for 20 Consecutive Times!”
Wholesome stuff indeed. In fact, when I get married and have a family, I’m gonna show that shit to the kids. Twice!
But before you call the cops about a mentally-deranged fat guy who remotely resembles Dominic Ochoa who claims that he just made out with a hot Japanese porn star, I’d just like to relay a story that happened to a me- I mean a friend, from not so long ago. He basically was surrounded by lots of hot and nubile women, all of whom he was crushing on. All these women were out of his league, but still he managed to plod on, hoping that one of these would actually fall in love with him. But as all stories of fat guys who look like Dominic Ochoa and who think that they are God’s gift to women, he fails. Miserably.
I mean, what sort of guy, who upon introduction to the girl’s parents, would look at the parents with a look of admiration, and suddenly announce in a powerful voice: “I have licked your daughter’s nipples”?
But, you see, the story is about my friend, not me, so I don’t suck. And we’re not really close, so I don’t think I’d suck by association, right? Say yes, please. And I wouldn’t do a thing like that, because I’m the gay best friend, only straight. No girl in her right mind would introduce me to her parents. Or if they do, they’d introduce me as “Ade, the guy who I bring along shopping for makeup despite his protests to check out comics and guns and other manly stuff. What a weird. What does he find satisfaction in reading the latest issue of Justice League of America?”
At this point, I would interrupt. “Missy, just so you know, JLA is awesome. In fact, me and my friends dress up as JLA from time to time!”
Fig 2: No, we don’t.
I just realized that I’m not making any sense at all and that my readers (yes, the two of you) are probably scratching their heads off and are contemplating hunting me down wherever I may live and rid me of my misery. But what I wanted to say all the time is that I have a Facebook account. Please add me.
Oh look! A pink unicorn! *runs away*