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So I went to work today, and I realized I had left my pen at home. Well, normally, I wouldn’t mind since I have a ginormous penis which I lug around all the time and I use it to write stuff and sign contracts and ransom letters whenever needed, but it was the full moon and I am never without my pen on the full moon. Mainly because without it I turn into a bloodthirsty werehamster and murder countless of innocent babies, which, I swear, taste great with Tabasco.
So I badger my officemate to lend me her pen. I was playfully punching her arm, telling her stuff like “I won’t stop singing 6cyclemind’s Upside Down if you don’t lend me your pen”. Maybe she was still pissed off at me for the time I tried to rape her in the company bathroom, but she was ignoring me as she did her report on the impact of the Pythagoras Theorem on toothpaste sales. And as you know, nobody ignores me. So I give her an extra-hard punch on her arm.
An ear-piercing shriek fills the air and the next thing I know, I see her flying in the air. At 10 mph. She escaped me, yet again. Curses! Giving up asking for her pen in disgust, I decided to rummage through her desk. Good thing I keep that ax handy for situations like these.
I grab my ax and smash her desk to pieces, screaming “THIS IS NOT MADNESS THIS IS SPARTAAAAAAH” in the process. Ok, I didn’t really scream that, mainly my boss was already giving weird glances in my direction and I didn’t want to make a racket with my screaming. So I just whispered “This is not madness this is Spartaaaaaaaah” while smashing my officemate’s desk to bits.
Blast! No pen in there anywhere. Also, a guard was fast approaching. I quickly hid my ax behind me, hoping my enormous blubber would hide the ax and the rubble.
“Is anything the matter, sir?” he asked me.
“Um, no. Except for the fact I need a pen right now.”
“Sir, we have a store downstairs. If you’re so desperate for a pen, you can just buy–”
“WHAT? STORE? YOU’RE LYING. LYING I TELLS YA–”
The guard leaned a little to the right, trying to get a glimpse of the destruction behind me. I also lean a little, trying to still cover the mess. I hum the theme from Doogie Howser, M.D., trying to distract the guard from noticing the table.
“Sir, you didn’t have to smash that table to bits, you know.”
“Table? What table?”
“That… scene of… desolation behind you”
At that very moment, I threw a lighted match on the wood pile.
“THERE IS NO TABLE! EVERYTHING IS NOW BURNING! THERE IS NO EVIDENCE THAT I SMASHED A TABLE TO BITS!!! WAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA–”
Then I realized that the match actually burned out, setting nothing on fire. So much for my evil overlord spiel. I noticed that the guard was already reaching for his nightstick.
“Sir, if you kindly step out the office…”
It was the moment I was trained for all my life. I am being confronted by a burly man in a Total Axis Security Agency uniform, and it was make-or-break time. I wasn’t gonna let this guy hand my ass to me. I reached for my back pocket and grabbed my magic wand. I point my wand at the guard in a menacing kind of way, and I do the incantation:
“EXPECTO PATRONUM!”
The guard stares at me blankly. I was waiting for something to happen. I shake the wand vigorously.
“EXPECTO PATRONUM!”
“Sir, are you finished? Because I don’t have enough time for–”
“Wait… I’m gonna get it right! Wait for it! EXPECTO PATRONUM!”
“Sir, nothing’s happening. You are not a wizard. And you just destroyed company property. So please, come with me to the security office…”
“EXPECTO PATRONUM! EXPECTO PATRONUM! EXPECTO–”
At this point, I was getting frustrated as to why my incantations aren’t working. So I just do the practical thing: I poke the guard’s eye with my wand. And as he was rolling on the floor with agony, I made a break for it.
Again, I rule.
EPILOGUE:
So I ended the workday still without a pen, and still in danger of turning into a werehamster. And as much as I believe the guard was lying, I checked out the store he was talking about. And yeah, they were selling pens. Drat.
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21 Comments
Why isn’t this on TMB yet woman?!
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And you will edit my previous comment to point to my blog’s main page, and not just to a specific article. Woman!
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[quote comment="50798"]And you will edit my previous comment to point to my blog’s main page, and not just to a specific article. Woman![/quote]
Stop calling me woman! Don’t you have anything else to gay?
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What’s this balderdash about Ade being a woman? He is NOT a woman. He’s a crossbreed between a squirrel and a rat. A SCRAT to be exact.
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If you don’t want me calling you women, you can write a complaint letter.
ADDRESSED TO MY FIST!
BOOYA!
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[quote comment="50877"]What’s this balderdash about Ade being a woman? He is NOT a woman. He’s a crossbreed between a squirrel and a rat. A SCRAT to be exact.[/quote]
Scrat WTF? I am a hamster. HAMSTEEER!
[quote comment="50967"]If you don’t want me calling you women, you can write a complaint letter.
ADDRESSED TO MY FIST!
BOOYA![/quote]
I will not pay for the postage. If you seriously want the complaint letter, you have to pay me for the postage.
IN RAPE DOLLARS!
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ahahahaha hamster!!!!!!
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This made me scratch my head. Maybe I should smoke some weed, THEN read the article. ;)
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[quote comment="51045"]This made me scratch my head. Maybe I should smoke some weed, THEN read the article. ;)[/quote]
Indeed. Also, don’t forget to offer some babies to Lord Satan. Make sure you don’t forget the Tabasco.
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hahaha classic! I did not read this in the man blog but glad I did here LOL thanks for making my day :D
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Retard is right. But I like you, I shall be a loyal reader.:)
And oh…6Cycle Mind’s Upside Down is just about the most irritating song on the radio today. But that’s just me.
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I hate 6cycle mind’s upside down song. Ugh.
Why be a werehamster when you could be a werebunny?
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[quote comment="51110"]
6Cycle Mind’s Upside Down is just about the most irritating song on the radio today.[/quote]
Au contraire, mon’ami, nothing beats PRINSESA the bossa version, fucken 6cycleminddiediedie!!!
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This might hurt, but I dont really care. When I read this over at TMB, I thought Adam wrote it.
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[quote comment="51070"]
hahaha classic! I did not read this in the man blog but glad I did here LOL thanks for making my day :D[/quote]
No prob! Thanks for dropping by!
[quote comment="51110"]Retard is right. But I like you, I shall be a loyal reader.:).[/quote]
ZOMG! Welcome, dear new loyal reader!
[quote comment="51162"]I hate
Why be a werehamster when you could be a werebunny?[/quote]
Because bunnies are teh GHEY!!111one
[quote comment="51207"]This might hurt, but I dont really care. When I read this over at TMB, I thought Adam wrote it.[/quote]
Well, I am hurt that you got the writing credits all wrong, but would that mean that my writing’s that good now? OMG!
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fun read. :)
looking forward to another retarded entry. :P
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LOL. Thanks for the good laugh. :)
Err, what’s Upside Down? Hindi ko yun alam. *out of this world*
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This is funny!
I know this is fiction, but I want to share a non-fiction, true to life ‘pen-ny’ story.
I had this Cross pen years back, was given as present. It was plated with 18k yellow gold. I valued it so much. One time at a party, a friend asked me if I had a pen. Thinking she might not return it, I said I got none.
Then at one point, I had to write something. I took it out, careful not to be seen by my friend who was borrowing a pen earlier. Then there was some kind of ‘pandemonium’ at the party because an unexpected ’star’ guest arrived. I got caught with my curiousity too, and I rushed to the front side of the hall, forgetting all about my pen on the table.
To cut this story short, I lost my 18k plated Cross ballpen because of my stupidity.
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Bravo! Comedic Masterpiece! Hahahahaha! I am no comedian but I appreciate hilarity when I read it! You had me at werehamster! Hahaha! I was laughing throughout this post!
Will definitely be back for more!
P.S. Thanks for the visit!
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[quote comment="52074"]This is funny!
I know this is fiction, but I want to share a non-fiction, true to life ‘pen-ny’ story.
I had this Cross pen years back, was given as present. It was plated with 18k yellow gold. I valued it so much. One time at a party, a friend asked me if I had a pen. Thinking she might not return it, I said I got none.
Then at one point, I had to write something. I took it out, careful not to be seen by my friend who was borrowing a pen earlier. Then there was some kind of ‘pandemonium’ at the party because an unexpected ’star’ guest arrived. I got caught with my curiousity too, and I rushed to the front side of the hall, forgetting all about my pen on the table.
To cut this story short, I lost my 18k plated Cross ballpen because of my stupidity.[/quote]
I also have a friend who lost a Cross pen (I gave it to her). But 18k gold pen? Aw crap!
Thanks for visiting, BTW. :)
[quote comment="52101"]Bravo! Comedic Masterpiece! Hahahahaha! I am no comedian but I appreciate hilarity when I read it! You had me at werehamster! Hahaha! I was laughing throughout this post!
Will definitely be back for more!
P.S. Thanks for the visit![/quote]
You had me at hello! No, wait…
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WTH? This much commotion just because you forgot your friggin’ pen? Lol.
Too bad your incantations did not work. You should keep practicing. ;-D
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