Troubleshooting Your Girl: Dieting

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Dieting is a vital counterpart to every girl’s daily routine. Just like masturbation for us men. And unfortunately, we men do not know how to deal with the fact that our girls are eating like rabbits. I mean, our girls may be perfect for us, but in their little girly eyes, they still are fat. It’s because our brains are wired differently and we see things from a different perspective. I mean, I don’t know how girls can go for twelve seconds without thinking of sex, but that’s the way it is.

An example of what girls call “fat”.

This is what they call “just right”

I know, I know, you’re happy just the way you are and couldn’t care less about your potbelly and manboobs. But she isn’t.

So if you’re uncomfortable about the fact that a goldfish eats more in an hour than what your girl eats in a week, don’t be. It’s perfectly normal. You see, every three weeks or so, girls go into a phase called “self-pity”. They enter that phase when they see an absolutely lithe fourteen-year-old girl running around in a skimpy outfit. And since fourteen-year-olds have much smaller bodies than fully-developed girls, they’d be all bitchy and complain how much weight they’ve gained since they were fourteen. Whatever you do, don’t point out that she actually lost two pounds the previous week lest you get slaughtered by her PMS claws. Anyway, they take their frustrations out by starving themselves to death.

So how should we guys cope with dieting?

• Whatever you do, don’t tell them that they gained weight. You see, honesty is indeed the best basis of any relationship, but not in this case. Feign temporary blindness, join the communists, whatever. Just don’t tell her that she gained half a pound. You do value your life, don’t you?
• The moment you courted her, you signed an imaginary contract binding you to doing whatever activity she is obsessed with at the moment. That means you have to eat like a rabbit too when she asks you to. And by “ask” I mean “obligatory or else you get raped in the ass by ten well-endowed Koreans who are somehow under your girl’s payroll”.
• Your opinions don’t matter. No matter what you say or do to make her feel better, you don’t count. She has to get approval from Paris Hilton first before she can call herself thin.
• If your girl wavers in her resolve and downs five chocolate cakes in one sitting, get temporary amnesia. Never remind her of that fact when she complains that she had gained half a pound a week later. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

But why in the world should we keep up with our girls’ dieting, you ask? Well I know it’s driving you mad and there’s nothing else you want to do but to slap her silly to get some sense into her so that she’d learn to appreciate herself better. But think of this: after dieting, they enter into a stage where they look like a skeleton called “malnourishment”. And if they reach that state they enter a deep mental state called “happiness”. And if girls are happy, they want to have sex. You do want to have sex, don’t you?

So guys, keep your girls happy.