Get your Recommended Daily Dose of Retard.
Subscribe to Noisy, Noisy, Man via RSS or email and help save innocent puppies.
“Oh my God! This dress is just so divine!!!”
This is the phrase that would make most men cringe with agony. You and your girl are on a date, debating the fine line between barbarism and justice with Saddam’s execution (something you know absolutely nothing about, but pretend to be a genius on so you can finally get laid) when you suddenly pass by Mango. And just like that, you are suddenly forgotten and suddenly the world seems to revolve around the amazingly overpriced jeans, shirts, fur coats, and other merchandise that they sell. But you’d suddenly make a rude reentry in her universe come payment time.
“Buy. It. For. Me. PLEEEEEEEEEEASE?!”
The aftermath of said reentry in her universe would be:
- Your diet would consist of Lucky Me instant noodles until the next payday
- You’d be selling your house (and your mother) so you’d be able to afford your laundry
- You’re riding a bike to be able to go to your office in Makati. You live in Bulacan.
- Basically, you can afford buying her ten more dresses in that price range, but you’re just a miser and you pretend to blame her for your apparent poverty just for kicks.
So, how to avoid the dreaded shopping request?
Guerrilla Tactics
Before you roam the mall, make sure you’ve already memorized the mall’s layout so you can avoid any clothing store successfully. Y’know, when you get dangerously close to a shop, you grab her arm in the pretense of being sweet and steer her away from that godforsaken store. However, this strategy may lead to unfortunate results such as this:
Girl: Oh good, Zara is this way… they’re having an awesome sale-
You: Oh look! Toasters! Let’s go this way!
Girl: But… Zara… clothes…
You: Toasters are this way! Toasters are like so awesome!
Girl: You bring me to Zara this very moment young man, or you’ll go home with your testicles in your mouth.
You: OMG!
Girl: LOL
You: WTF
Girl: sux0rZZZ
iPod: Your saviour
I know, it’s such an ugly site to see people walking around the Ortigas area with iPod ‘buds in their ears and being oblivious to the ten-wheeler truck with the drunk driver barreling their way. In other words, if you look like a refugee from the Atrocities of Friendster, iPods, however cool and trendy they are, just don’t make you look cool. Sorry.
But iPods, leading cause of death for fags and posers as they are, can save your bank account (provided that you and/or your “benefactors” can afford it). Just put a pair of iPod ‘buds in your ears, put it at extremely loud volume, and pretend to go deaf. Make sure you’re not listening to Spongecola or Rocksteddy because everyone will be able to hear that your musical tastes are shitty and laugh at you. And call you fat.
Feign Poverty
This should be considered a last resort. If your girl pulls out your iPod earphones out of your, er, ears and demands that you buy her the dress, you’re in deep shit. There’s absolutley no way to talk yourself out of that situation. But of course, you can always feign poverty.
See that fine-looking gentleman on the left? That is how you should get dressed on a date.
Let me describe the fine art of feigning poverty:
- Do not get a bath for two months
- Make sure you dress in only the flimsiest t-shirt that you can find in your local grabage dump
- Don’t wear underwear. Make sure that your ‘nads are showing through your shorts
- If you DO feel the need to wear underwear, an SM Hypermarket grocery bag will do. Don’t go for those fancy boxer-type shorts
- Grow your hair and don’t shave so you’d look like Vic Sotto during his VST & Co. days.
- Make sure you have that nice, soothing aroma of rotten meat mixed with human, um, you-know-what.
If you follow these steps carefully and to the letter, I can assure you that your girl won’t be asking you for anything anymore. I’m sure you’d even find yourself with a load of dates you can’t even handle. Trust me.
29 Comments
hahaha.
i was on a date one time with boyfriend and he volunteerd to buy me a top, i was like in my mind, “ARE YOU SURE?” lol. tapos he gave me one hour to look for a top and i was like in my mind again, “GAHHH I NEED ONE WHOLE DAY!” lol.
i would rather get his money na lang and call my sister to go with me.
harhar.
[Click to Reply]
This is why I go for girls who don’t like shopping much. No, it’s not an urban legend. They do exist. They’re hard to find, but they’re out there. Somewhere. *cue X-Files theme music*
[Click to Reply]
Bwahaha! Please, like I can do that to my friends. They call me weird because I don’t like shopping (makes me sleepy, really. Even my mom says I’m a bad company).
[Click to Reply]
AHAHAH!! I like this entry!
Pero alamo.. ndi ko pa nagawa yun, yung magpabili sa S.O. ng kung ano man. Hindi ko lang feel. Hahaha!!
[Click to Reply]
My men are lucky. Im so low-maintenance, all I require is for them to make sure they get me plastered on alcohol at the end of the day.
[Click to Reply]
I bought my girlfriend a top last month. We went to four different shops on the opposite sides of Megamall. We ended up buying the first garmet she fitted on the FIRST store. tsk tsk
[Click to Reply]
Nah, you can just frankly admit to your girlfriend that you can’t afford it. Enough of her lousy whines. If she resists, gobble her with your iPod somewhere outside Toasters and have her raped by that psychotic vagrant. Joke.
…err, what’s Toasters anyway? ^_^
[Click to Reply]
i’m just fortunate that i never had a high maintenance girlfriend. i guess i also unconsciously chose not to have one. i’m glad i did coz it saved me from a lot of headache. hehe
[Click to Reply]
[quote comment="13467"]Nah, you can just frankly admit to your girlfriend that you can’t afford it. Enough of her lousy whines. If she resists, gobble her with your iPod somewhere outside Toasters and have her raped by that psychotic vagrant. Joke.
…err, what’s Toasters anyway? ^_^[/quote]
My girlfriend? What? My girlfriend’s a good girl. This article is for you guys.
[Click to Reply]
hun say, “What do you need that top for when its just going to spend all its time on my bedroom floor — wrinkled and stained?”
no girl likes that. :D
[Click to Reply]
dont worry guys, not all girls are into shopping.. or has the guts to ask her guy to spend for her. :) i know, coz i dont have the guts.
[Click to Reply]
haha, i can relate to the “Feign Poverty” strat, long time ago.
[Click to Reply]
Yeah, what the heck is up with those Ipod freakazoids? I’m betting they might have compromised a basic necessity or two in order to amass themselves a Nano. What an utter bunch of social climbers.
Dude, thanks for the laugh!
[Click to Reply]
[quote comment="13579"]Yeah, what the heck is up with those Ipod freakazoids? I’m betting they might have compromised a basic necessity or two in order to amass themselves a Nano. What an utter bunch of social climbers.
Dude, thanks for the laugh![/quote]
HEYYY I HAVES A NANO LOLZZZIES
[Click to Reply]
I actually enjoy shopping… it’s the spending I have trouble with. Must hide cash and credit cards
[Click to Reply]
[quote comment="13650"][quote comment="13579"]Yeah, what the heck is up with those Ipod freakazoids? I’m betting they might have compromised a basic necessity or two in order to amass themselves a Nano. What an utter bunch of social climbers.
Dude, thanks for the laugh![/quote]
HEYYY I HAVES A NANO LOLZZZIES[/quote]
I guess that’s just the green-eyed monster in me bitching and yakking and stuff. Yep, I don’t own a Nano! But who cares right? LOL.
[Click to Reply]
Bloghopped here from Toe,
Interesting post you have here…
We love guys who shop with us, they’re not only there to pay the bills, they are great admirers when you try on the clothes and they carry the bags too!!!
[Click to Reply]
How bout a counterpart of that entry for us Women or (Sugar Mommies??!!) ? on how to troubleshoot, extremely thickfaced men when they go shopping??? hehe..
[Click to Reply]
Luckily no woman will be seen with me.
Finally my personality pays off!
[Click to Reply]
Can’t comment. Wife will bite my head off. I like living. For now. Hehehe.
[Click to Reply]
Ade, sorry for being the bearer of bad news but…
He’s gone
:(
[Click to Reply]
I love this entry!Yes!There are a lot of girls who are super high maintenance, i just dont get it!
Gahd,i hate shopping!my legs get wobbly after an hour of running to and from for sales and bargain and for what?
[Click to Reply]
[quote comment="15218"]
My legs get wobbly after an hour of running to and from for sales and bargain and for what?[/quote]
For sex of course! But pray tell, how will you be able to sex up your chick after if an hour of shopping results to those wobbly legs?
[Click to Reply]
Oh holy pile of stinkin’ crapola! Fuddyfuddy is a chick! In that case, I’ll be glad to take you shopping. And you need not worry about wobbly legs because I’ll do it for you.
[Click to Reply]
This is soooo funny! Although, I have never really been in this kind of situation. I hate shopping with guys/boyfriends as they just get in the way and sulk at you while they wait like spoiled little brats. :D
I only need them to carry the bags. LOL
[Click to Reply]
good thing my man doesn’t have this kind of problem with me. i hate shopping for clothes. but when i really want something (like a gadget) and he feels he has to buy it for me but can’t yet, he just tells me that he’ll save up for it and buy it next month (or whenever).
[Click to Reply]
[quote comment="15337"]Oh holy pile of stinkin’ crapola! Fuddyfuddy is a chick! In that case, I’ll be glad to take you shopping. And you need not worry about wobbly legs because I’ll do it for you.[/quote]
im a tranny dude!kidding!o sya, shopping tau when i have another vacation.matira matibay!
[Click to Reply]
Darn Ade!!! Why did you have to post this?!!! Now I know the real difference between a MAN and a fag. Fags love shopping like us girls
[Click to Reply]
HAHAHA. This is so much fun. Guys won’t have trouble shopping with (& for) me for clothes, because I’m frumpy like that, but they better steer clear of bookstores & places to eat, hahaha.
[Click to Reply]
5 Trackbacks
[...] And here we are…From banning sex on Valentine’s Day as a solution to overpopulation, to banning the use of iPods while crossing the streets as a solution to stupidity. Don’t you just hate it when you see people with iPods glued to their ears (or is it the other way around?), oblivious to everything else going on around them? It’s no wonder people actually get killed because of it1. Granted, iPods can be helpful when you choose not to hear your girlfriend whenever she asks you to buy her *insert item here*. But at the expense of someone losing his or her life? Get real. [...]
[...] And here we are…From banning sex on Valentine’s Day as a solution to overpopulation, to banning the use of iPods while crossing the streets as a solution to stupidity. Don’t you just hate it when you see people with iPods glued to their ears (or is it the other way around?), oblivious to everything else going on around them? It’s no wonder people actually get killed because of it. Granted, iPods can be helpful when you choose not to hear your girlfriend whenever she asks you to buy her *insert item here*. But at the expense of someone losing his or her life? Get real. [...]