Down The Highway: An Advice Column for Emos - 6
OMGWTFBBQ! WE HAVE LIEK REAL LETTERS!
Dear DTH,
I’ve been having sleepless nights due to this unbearable pain. You see, I’ve stumbled upon this particular gal’s profile on Friendster. And from then on, I started stalking, err, viewing her lovely photos on a daily basis. Oh, my day was not complete without getting a glimpse of her lovely photos. I didn’t care if she updated her profile once every 6 months, I just couldn’t stop looking at her! I felt like we had a mutual understanding just by staring at those cute little eyes. But one time she did the unthinkable: She set her profile to friends-only access! What kind of sick bitch would set her Friendster profile to friends-only access?
Nevermind if I never had the balls to message her or to at least send her an invite and add her to my friend’s list! That’s just not right. Now I’ve been having second thoughts sitting in front of the computr. I feel like the Internet is of no more use!
Now please excuse me while I slash my jugular.
Dear Balls of Steel,
She set her profile to friends-only eh? That sucks. What happened to all those tender sweet moments that you shared? Unfortunately, she doesn’t even know you are totally lovestruck. She doesn’t even know you exist. Yeah, you suck sweaty balls like that. But don’t slash your jugular, I’m here to help!
If you really are THAT desperate lovelorn, you might want to try a couple of things:
- Go to the Wayback Machine and find her profile from there.
- Take note of her location and hometown, and also note the testimonials for clues on places she frequents.
- Go to the places she frequents, or better yet, her home.
- Don’t forget your favorite date rape drug.
- Take her to a place you frequent (like your parents’ basement)
- Consummate your love.
- After you’re finished with your dastardly act, whimper and cry because you’ve defiled your one true love and she isn’t the vessel of purity that you thought she was.
- Slash your jugular.
Dear DtH,
I’m very bitter. I wanted to get into The Man Blog but I was told that I had to submit to Mikey Villar’s sick sexual perversion for at least a night to be able to get my articles in. Since my stomach is not as tough as that of the TMB writers - all of whom I heard went through the said ordeal — I was denied a shot in publishing my article. Is there anyone to be on TMB without sleeping with the venereal Mikey? And yes, I love Chicosci! woohoo!
- not benj
Dear not benj
Did you not read the Editor Application Process? I do pity you, oh one who isn’t privy to TMB’s awesome all male “Banana Gangbang” orgies behind-the-scenes lifestyle. But guess what? This isn’t the end of the world. You will have so many opportunities to improve your writing skillz so that you become a legendary TMB editor/contributor. Take writing classes (which I never did, fool) read retarded stuff (like this here blog, lol), masturbate, send me money, clear cache and cookies, get some New Jersey rhinoplasty, sleep with Mike, you know, all the default stuff to become awesome.
But, really, I recommend the extra-sharp Miracle Blade Knife to slash your wrist. It’ll cut you up real fine (As Seen On TV!). Don’t forget to post the pictures on LiveJournal!
——-
All editions of Down The Highway can be found here.
Send your emo emails to noisynoisyman [at] gmail [dot] com
the person who sent you the second letter is such a loser. dang.
Oh holy penis of god! You never told me you’re gonna publish my problem for everyone else to read! You’re supposed to be my shoulder to cry on! How could you have forsaken me?!
And you didn’t even fix my fuckin’ grammar like I told you to! Ass!
That’s it! I’m going home to mom!
Let me guess, the extra sharp miracle-blade-knife is part of the patented Ninja utility belt? hehehe
i need that miracle blade knife..
Found picture.. is this emo enough for you.. cutie pie? HEHEHE!
did you really?
I mean got real letters?
how cool is that.. emo cool dude! HAHA!
*giggle*
I’m not sure but I think I know who not-benj is
Talaga?! Sino? Such a loser!!! Im sure he’s hot as hell though.
I pity the first sender. :-p The girl may have noticed his name constantly appearing on the who’s viewed me, got scared because someone might be stalking her. :-p
for the first sender, there is always MANJAM and GUYS FOR MEN for you.
for not benj (aka steel), hmmm…sleep with Mike Villar to get into TMB. thanks for the answer to my question. its not that hard!
Jerome: not benj is not steel. ;)
Ergo, applying the simple rule of elimination and negation (
notbenj isnotsteel.), benj definitely IS steel.[quote comment="3741"]Ergo, applying the simple rule of elimination and negation (
notbenj isnotsteel.), benj definitely IS steel.[/quote]Then what does that make you? Oh noes ghost getawaygetawaygetaway!!!!1111one
[quote comment="3756"][quote comment="3741"]Ergo, applying the simple rule of elimination and negation (
notbenj isnotsteel.), benj definitely IS steel.[/quote]Then what does that make you? Oh noes ghost getawaygetawaygetaway!!!!1111one[/quote]
No one has defied this mathematical formula and lived to brag about it!
[quote comment="3713"]for the first sender, there is always MANJAM and GUYS FOR MEN for you.[/quote]
Although Man Jam sounds temptingly sweet, we have our own steady supply of Hetracil to keep us in shape, thank you very much!
How ’bout GAYS FOR RENT? Is there such a thing?
steel, yes there is such a thing as gays for rent. a lot actually. there’s actually an infomercial about it. ask ade. he just recently rented one as a (clears throat) social experiment, brought about by the last chat with crystal where she walked out on him after he said that he can now have sex with men with a clear conscience…
Its Benj! promiswear.
Duh! Any moronic person can pinpoint that it’s benj… whoever he is. So stop the guessing game, damn it! :-)
Who the hell is benj and why is he getting free promotion here damnit
dre salamat sa pagsilip sa bahay ko…
wheeew me intriga ata sa mga aliases d2 ah
Ahaha.
You boys have way too much time in your hands.
:P
Hmmm… That Miracle Blade Knife can also be used for circumcision sessions. lol.
[quote comment="3832"]Ahaha.
You boys have way too much time in your hands.
:P[/quote]
I noes!! *LOLZLMAO*
[quote comment="3835"]Hmmm… That Miracle Blade Knife can also be used for circumcision sessions. lol.[/quote]
Yeah… but wouldn’t it make more emos?
speaking of circumcision, first year med students are actually encouraged to do circumcisions during medical missions. The closest thing those guys have done to that operation is to cut open a corpse. Don’t worry, it’s for free. So if anyone there is interested in FINALLY having it done FOR FREE, drop me a line and I’ll give you a heads up on the venues.
and oh, im NOT benj.
Can we read another post now? It’s been a week man!
[quote comment="3902"]Can we read another post now? It’s been a week man![/quote]
I’m working, I’m working! Sheesh!
i might write you sumfin and ask for some advice on how to assasinate Money FockYaw.
how’s Steel’s jugular?