Down The Highway: An Advice Column for Emos – 6

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This entry is part 6 of 12 in the series Down The Highway

OMGWTFBBQ! WE HAVE LIEK REAL LETTERS!

Dear DTH,

I’ve been having sleepless nights due to this unbearable pain. You see, I’ve stumbled upon this particular gal’s profile on Friendster. And from then on, I started stalking, err, viewing her lovely photos on a daily basis. Oh, my day was not complete without getting a glimpse of her lovely photos. I didn’t care if she updated her profile once every 6 months, I just couldn’t stop looking at her! I felt like we had a mutual understanding just by staring at those cute little eyes. But one time she did the unthinkable: She set her profile to friends-only access! What kind of sick bitch would set her Friendster profile to friends-only access?

Nevermind if I never had the balls to message her or to at least send her an invite and add her to my friend’s list! That’s just not right. Now I’ve been having second thoughts sitting in front of the computr. I feel like the Internet is of no more use!

Now please excuse me while I slash my jugular.

- Balls of Steel

Dear Balls of Steel,

She set her profile to friends-only eh? That sucks. What happened to all those tender sweet moments that you shared? Unfortunately, she doesn’t even know you are totally lovestruck. She doesn’t even know you exist. Yeah, you suck sweaty balls like that. But don’t slash your jugular, I’m here to help!

If you really are THAT ~~desperate~~ lovelorn, you might want to try a couple of things:

Go to the Wayback Machine and find her profile from there.
Take note of her location and hometown, and also note the testimonials for clues on places she frequents.
Go to the places she frequents, or better yet, her home.
Don’t forget your favorite date rape drug.
Take her to a place you frequent (like your parents’ basement)
Consummate your love.
After you’re finished with your dastardly act, whimper and cry because you’ve defiled your one true love and she isn’t the vessel of purity that you thought she was.
Slash your jugular.

Dear DtH,

I’m very bitter. I wanted to get into The Man Blog but I was told that I had to submit to Mikey Villar’s sick sexual perversion for at least a night to be able to get my articles in. Since my stomach is not as tough as that of the TMB writers – all of whom I heard went through the said ordeal — I was denied a shot in publishing my article. Is there anyone to be on TMB without sleeping with the venereal Mikey? And yes, I love Chicosci! woohoo!

- not benj

Dear not benj

Did you not read the Editor Application Process? I do pity you, oh one who isn’t privy to TMB’s awesome ~~all male “Banana Gangbang” orgies~~ behind-the-scenes lifestyle. But guess what? This isn’t the end of the world. You will have so many opportunities to improve your writing skillz so that you become a legendary TMB editor/contributor. Take writing classes (which I never did, fool) read retarded stuff (like this here blog, lol), masturbate, send me money, clear cache and cookies, get some New Jersey rhinoplasty, sleep with Mike, you know, all the default stuff to become awesome.

But, really, I recommend the extra-sharp Miracle Blade Knife to slash your wrist. It’ll cut you up real fine (As Seen On TV!). Don’t forget to post the pictures on LiveJournal!