Troubleshooting Your Girl: Read Her Mind!

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This entry is part 3 of 5 in the series Troubleshooting Your Girl

Let’s face it, the majority of the fights between men and women stem from the fact that they think differently. In prehistoric times, men and women serve different functions in society. The woman stays in the cave, cleaning it up and waiting for the caveman (who is hunting down mammoths to extinction) to come home.

However, eons of evolution failed to change the way men and women think. And after decades of research, scientists have finally discovered how men and women’s brains are wired (pictures blatantly stolen from the TMB Forum):

So, using this knowledge to our advantage, we men can actually second-guess what women are thinking. We can think like women. We can come even close to reading women’s minds.

Applying this knowledge:

The Pickup Line

No, women would not appreciate it if you state outright that you just want to get into their pants. Therefore, boorish pickup lines like “Nice shoes, wanna fuck?” would only land you in jail with a large slap mark on your cheek. Dude, it won’t work. Women would appreciate subtlety and wit. State your goals (getting laid) when delivering the pickup line, but don’t sound (too) desperate.

“Your body is a wonderland, and I wanna be Alice”

See the wit? The smoothness of that line? Perfect.

On Giving Compliments

Any man would admit that this is one of their weaknesses. Why? Men don’t look at women’s new shoes, handbag, hair color, or faux eyelashes right away. They’re too busy staring at racks to notice.

So how to compensate? Stop staring at racks (and giving snide remarks) for once and concentrate on something else. If you see her wearing new nail polish, make a big fuss of it right away! Say something like “I like your new nails. Who did them? Can I have my nails done like those too? I want that cute french tip as well.”

Or if she’s wearing new shoes, say something like “Oh dahlin, those new shoes are simply adorable! I’ve been looking for a pair like that for months! Where can I get those?” then borrow those new shoes from her, and strut around the mall wearing those six-inch stilettos. Also, wear her favorite black dress and meet her parents while screaming “I love my girl so much I’ll wear her favorite stuff!”

Mind you, she’ll go crazy over you.

On Crushes

Now most guys will go into a fit of jealousy when their girlfriends break out in girlish giggles when the girls see their crush.

It’s understandable. But why must we play the overzealous psycho when an opportunity to show your girl that we men are an understanding and selfless species opens up? Show that you do understand that her crush is a prime example of what men can achieve, and that you do cede your title of “Teh most awesomemest male” to her crush’s.

But why stop there? Show that you too can appreciate the male species! Also break out in giggles when her crush walks by. Silently take pictures of her crush with your camphone when he isn’t looking. Plaster your room with said picture (while throwing your Paris Hilton posters away). Stalk your girlfriend’s crush while he is taking a shower, and also during basketball practice. Rape him if you can as well.

Do it for your girlfriend.

See how this thing works? She’ll go crazy over you, because you are one hot sensitive piece of man. Because you have learned to think like women – thus you have read their minds.