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Down The Highway: An Advice Column for Emos 4

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This entry is part 4 of 12 in the series Down The Highway

dear dth

how do i recover from a broken heart you see i am so depressed because my boyfriend left me yesterday and i am crying even now as I write this letter i need your help please :(

lonl3y_gurl

Dear lonl3y_gurl,

I would like to offer you any sort of help but your inability to use the shift key and to locate the punctuation marks on your keyboard irks me. I suggest you use a newly-sharpened butcher’s knife to slice your neck cleanly instead. Make sure you slice deeply enough to cut your air passage as well. That would be nice if you do it within five minutes upon reading this post. Thank you, and have a great day.

***

Dear DtH,

Why are you making fun of sad and lonely people? Instead of insulting them you can give them genuine advice so that they could get their lives straight. You see, it happened to me once. I was so lonely and distressed because my girlfriend left me. I was down and lonely for a year, until my friends and family gave their advice to cheer me up. You see, without them I would’ve ended my life right away. Depression isn’t funny. Stop being such a jerk and help “emos” get over their pain.

Name Withheld

Dear Name Withheld,

Gee, you’re right! Maybe I should stop making fun of emos. I should instead offer them genuine empathic advice, so that they’d lead happier lives. If I can stop just one emo from slashing his/her wrist, the world will be a happier place. And that emo would be indebted to me. And I’d be a hero! A saint, even!

Lemme think about that…

…

…

…

Nah, it’s easier to make fun of them.

***

DearDtH,

My boyfriend and I have this dirty little secret: we like to record our private acts with a camera phone so that whenever we’re apart we can look at our steamy videos and bear missing each other.

However, I lost my phone the other month, and our videos started to spread like wildfire. We now can’t leave home without people staring at us. Once, a guy even tried to get my autograph! Now my family wants to kill my boyfriend. He is in hiding. I miss him so.

DtH, I badly need your advice. What do I do? The burdens of life are so heavy.

full_of_regret

Dear full_of_regret,

Well, my favorite part was where you did that contortion thingy when you were on top of your boyfriend. Care to send me the rest of the video?

——-
Feeling emo? Send me email at noisynoisyman [at] gmail [dot] com!

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Related posts:

  1. Down The Highway: An Advice Column for Emos – 11
  2. Down The Highway: An Advice Column For Emos – 10
  3. Down The Highway: An Advice Column for EMO ZOMBIES
  4. An Open Letter to the Dude who was Fingering his Girlfriend on the MRT

Posted in Specials.

By Ade
June 28, 2006

32 comments

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31 Comments

  1. jhay, June 28, 2006:

    Damn! You’re sick ade, very funny but sick. hehehehe

    Could you me the videos you saw? ;)

    Click to Reply

  2. CSB, June 28, 2006:

    Dear DTH,

    I don’t know what to do with my life.

    Catholic School Boy

    Click to Reply

  3. Poldo, June 28, 2006:

    Uh, where’s the link to the video? I wanna see it!

    Click to Reply

  4. Noelle De Guzman, June 28, 2006:

    Ade, are these finally actual emo submissions? ;)

    Click to Reply

  5. jong, June 28, 2006:

    haha. leme see leme see. hikhik

    Click to Reply

  6. ade, June 28, 2006:

    [Comment ID #2016 Will Be Quoted Here]

    Why thank you. *blushes*

    [Comment ID #2018 Will Be Quoted Here]

    It’s mine! All mine!!!

    [Comment ID #2019 Will Be Quoted Here]

    Unfortunately, no. :(

    [Comment ID #2020 Will Be Quoted Here]

    It’s mine! All mine!!!

    Click to Reply

  7. Talamasca, June 28, 2006:

    Sheesh. So much emo-ness, so little time! :-)

    Click to Reply

  8. jong, June 28, 2006:

    DearDTH,

    I so love emo, LOL.

    emoLover

    Click to Reply

  9. ruther, June 28, 2006:

    May schoolmate akong emo kaya lagi ko siyang sinasabihang mag-send ng emo letter sa DtH. hehe.

    Click to Reply

  10. annabanana, June 28, 2006:

    ade,
    just like lonl3y_gurl i cant punctuate — bite me! :D

    Click to Reply

  11. Laarni, June 28, 2006:

    i have a lot of videos, too. Now, im scared. HAHAHHA!

    Click to Reply

  12. jong, June 29, 2006:

    [Comment ID #2029 Will Be Quoted Here]

    lemme see lemme see.. hik hik.

    Click to Reply

  13. Laarni, June 29, 2006:

    [Comment ID #2030 Will Be Quoted Here]
    anudaw? hehehehe.

    Click to Reply

  14. ade, June 30, 2006:

    [Comment ID #2033 Will Be Quoted Here]

    C’mon, show us those vids.

    Or else, we’ll all become emo and flood your blog with Simple Plan lyrics. :(

    Click to Reply

  15. Sarah, June 30, 2006:

    AHAHAHAH!!! Gustong gusto ko talaga tong mga Dear DtH na to! Hahahaha!!!!

    Click to Reply

  16. Sarah, June 30, 2006:

    btw, if these aren’t real emo submissions, where do you get those images from? baka mamaya isang araw makita ko nalang muka ko jan! hahahhahaha!!! ma brand-an akong emo. ay teka teka.. naisip ko.. mag submit nga ako sayo! HAHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA – ang haba ng tawa ko.

    Click to Reply

  17. ade, June 30, 2006:

    [Comment ID #2038 Will Be Quoted Here]

    Well, Sarah, I’m glad you like DtH. You can send me DtH emails at noisynoisyman[at]gmil[dot]com and I’ll pwn you answer you at DtH’s next installment. I’m planning to write one DtH a month.

    Click to Reply

  18. yen, July 1, 2006:

    pag ako naging emo na magsesend dn ako sayo ng aking makapagdamdaming kwentong pagibig.. kung kelan yun? matagal pa cguro.. o bka never,, hndi pa naman kc ako suicidal hehe..

    Click to Reply

  19. Euri, July 1, 2006:

    Why are you making fun of sad and lonely people? Instead of insulting them you can give them genuine advice so that they could get their lives straight.

    Oo nga naman, langya ka!! *lmao* Maawa ka naman sa kanila. Gago na nga, ginagago mo pa. Este, muntik-muntikan na nangang magpakamatay eh. Baka matuluyan yan, ikaw din, sige ka. XP

    Well, my favorite part was where you did that contortion thingy when you were on top of your boyfriend. Care to send me the rest of the video?

    Ngek isa ka pa!! *lmao*

    Click to Reply

  20. mari_elle, July 1, 2006:

    “If I can stop just one emo from slashing his/her wrist, the world will be a happier place. And that emo would be indebted to me. And I’d be a hero! A saint, even!

    Lemme think about that…”

    Whew! For a while there, I actually thought we’d seen the last of your hilarious emo posts. Thankfully, your evil nature won. hehehe!

    Click to Reply

  21. ade, July 2, 2006:

    [Comment ID #2042 Will Be Quoted Here]

    Magpadalala naaaaa. DtH is waiting.

    [Comment ID #2045 Will Be Quoted Here]

    Evil nature? What evil nature? I’m evil? Oh noes! I’ll be slashing my wrist now my life sux kthnx.:(

    Click to Reply

  22. Jerome_Daclison, July 2, 2006:

    langya ka, magdaye! wag mong basahin yung entry ko ha! super emo yun…

    Click to Reply

  23. mari_elle, July 4, 2006:

    [Comment ID #2047 Will Be Quoted Here]

    Hehehe! Let’s all be emo, slash our wrists, and hold one big mass suicide!

    Click to Reply

  24. mushy, July 4, 2006:

    hell! whyd u let him break it?! hell hath no fury like a woman scorned!
    what the hell are u using blades for..
    *hands a bludgeon*

    Click to Reply

  25. malaine, July 6, 2006:

    dapat talaga magpapakamatay na yang mga emos dyan, duh!

    Click to Reply

  26. CindyLauper, July 6, 2006:

    how about my video? u want?

    Click to Reply

  27. benj, July 26, 2006:

    wow, its an emo lovefest. haha. all of you will be so interested to hear chicosci’s new album them. it comes with free pink eye makeup.

    Click to Reply

  28. Becky., February 28, 2007:

    omfg did you know ur f’n perthetic… what is the point in this sight apart for making fun of lovely people.. grow up sado!

    Click to Reply

  29. ade, February 28, 2007:

    [quote comment="21646"]omfg did you know ur f’n perthetic… what is the point in this sight apart for making fun of lovely people.. grow up sado![/quote]

    *snort*

    LOVELY? Also, what in the world is “perthetic”?

    Click to Reply

  30. WiLL, February 28, 2007:

    [quote comment="21659"][quote comment="21646"]omfg did you know ur f’n perthetic… what is the point in this sight apart for making fun of lovely people.. grow up sado![/quote]

    *snort*

    LOVELY? Also, what in the world is “perthetic”?[/quote]

    and the point of this SIGHT is to make you see there’s more to life than being emo.

    Click to Reply

  31. benj, February 28, 2007:

    SIGHT! how witty.

    Perthetic = Perfectly Pathetic

    You didn’t know that, ade? You suck.

    Click to Reply

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