My Goals in Life
15 Jun
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I’ve started on a new job a few weeks ago, and my schedule has been so hectic that all I’ve been able to do online is to check my email every now and then. I’ve missed blogging like hell, but the forced hiatus gave me time to actually think about my life and focus on my goals for a change.
Yep, this is one of those life-changing episodes they always talk about. I’ve started to plan for my future. These are the things I want to become in a few years from now:
Blog Celebrity
Job Description:
Basically, I’ll just inhabit my parents’ basement, sit in front of the computer the whole day, get fat, and write stuff about politics, religion, man boobs, and ugly people on my blog. And I’d be just as famous as the venereal, err, venerable Mike Villar.
How to Achieve Goal:
Squid wrote a series of articles about how to become one, and I’m too lazy to plagiarize, so just click on the damn link and read.
Job Benefits:
I have a blog! I get 250 comments per entry! I’m famous! And unlike the other 2,354,897,854,567,577 bloggers out there, I’m unique! w00t!
MySpace/Friendster Whore
Job Description:
I take pride at collecting as many friends in MySpace and Friendster as humanly possible. I have three thousand friends on each of my 21 accounts. I cannot spend ten minutes without itching to see if I have two new friend requests, or if somebody answered the survey that I posted on your bulletin board. Of course, that survey has that obligatory “post this within 15 seconds or a truck will fall on your foot” footer.
Or maybe one of my friends posted a testimonial! Yep, one just for me! Never mind the fact that she used the same testimonial for every one of her 3,000 friends (usually a variant of “You Rock!!! m/” or some pointless E-Greeting), it’s a totally unique testimonial that best describes me!
How to Achieve Goal:
I will use my non-existent HTML & CSS skills to modify my profile page so badly that any attempt to visit it would make a browser crash within the next five seconds. I would use a picture of me being as emo as possible as my profile pic. I would load the page with the biggest number of hi-res images so that even a hi-speed broadband connection would slow down because of the traffic. I would utilize the most horrid color combinations to make my content as unreadable as possible. I would master the use of sTiCkY cApS and OMG 133+ sP311nGzZzZ LOLOLOL!!1one Also, I won’t forget the YouTube video of me getting drunk and doing some stupid (and possibly illegal) thing.
Job Benefits:
I would get a lot of friends that would care so much about me. Even though I haven’t met them in real life and they’d forget about my pathetic existence five minutes after they approve my friend request.
Rock Star
Job Description:
I’m the frontman of some talentless band like Cueshe. I can’t sing, I can’t dance, I can’t play an instrument, I can’t even hold a tambourine properly, but music critics are hailing my album as the greatest thing since sliced bread. I’d be famous and banging chicks left and right because of my pathetic display of my non-talents. However, I’d be so drunk in the morning that I won’t even remember the fact that the seemingly hot chick I hit on a few hours ago was actually my equally drunk male guitarist.
How to Achieve Goal:
First, I need to find a bunch of musicians that are amazingly talented but are willing to waste their gifts so we could form a band that’ll play my three-chord songs with lyrics that are variants of “I’m single and I’m so sad :( .” We’ll advertise our uniqueness by labeling our music as “emo”, “goth”, “epic rock”, or some other uninspired tag that we just made up.
Job Benefits:
I’d get the chicks, the cash, and all the crap that goes with it. And fall into a drunken stupor.
Then I’d wake up and realize that I’ve wasted the last ten years getting drunk and I’ve lost all my money.
Best-Selling Author
Job Description:
It used to be hard to become a best-selling author. Back then, you actually had to know how to write. You need to write flowing prose that’ll capture the hearts and imagination of your readers and impress even the most stringent of critics. You need to have a great imagination and have the ability to make your readers see what is in your mind, like what Tolkien and J.K. Rowling did. Highfaluting words weren’t a necessity; simplicity is the key to many writers like John Steinbeck. You don’t even have to write novels, like what Frank Miller proved. All you need is intelligence and wit.
But it’s the 21st century! I can just use the dumbest idioms I can think of, string together an unimaginative plotline I’ve used for four books over, and add some flimsy (and plagiarized) research to the mix, and I have a best-selling novel that’ll top the charts and have a movie franchise to boot!
How to Achieve Goal:
Purchase a hundred typewriters. Get a hundred monkeys. Find a room that’ll accommodate the monkeys and typewriters. Wait. Submit to editor. Be famous.
Optional: Be controversial. Make sure I defame a) The Church, b) FBI, CIA, or some other government agency, and c)
Job Benefits:
I can actually fool people into thinking that I’m intelligent.
—
What are your dreams? Leave a comment to tell me!
Technorati Tags: retarded, funny, Philippines, life goals, retarded
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You can do all these things, Ade. ‘Just don’t get married. :mrgreen:
[Reply]
Prepare for a visit from The Clueless Wonders of the Blogosphere. In 3, 2, 1…
[Reply]
Bwahahahaha!!! Super duper thanks for the laugh! :-D Excuse me, I really need to pee!!!
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I’m back! Hehe.
Yeah, Cueshe is a bunch of talent-free weirdos. They’re just… meh!
Looking forward to more retarted stuff. :-)
[Reply]
naman kase. hiatus ka dyan. sad naman. i want more retard entries. sad. sad.
[Reply]
hmm. hiatuses are evil.
*pulls off one*
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a lot of good bloggers i know define hiatus as a break of 5 days or less. hehe. it’s only a matter of time. hehe
[Reply]
Best selling author sounds fit for you.. don’t forget to include Hasselholf in your story though.
[Reply]
cueshe’s just really talentless. and i kinda hate hiatuses.
[Reply]
Good luck with the job,thanks for the laugh.
[Reply]
but, you’re already on your way to becoming a blog celebrity ;)
and you forgot the drugs in rock star :P
[Reply]
aiah replied with:
October 16th, 2008 at 12:07 pm
i love it!
[Reply]
[Comment ID #1922 Will Be Quoted Here]
That’s because I’m planning to do a sequel. As a druglord.
[Reply]
mas bagay sayo ung blog celebrity.. sakto!!! haha! ako dream ko??? mag asawa ng mayaman at huthutan cia hangang kamatayan (odiba nag rhyme pa haha).. tapos wawaldasin ko ang pera nia sa lahat ng bagay ng mganda sa paningin ko.. o ayan ok n b yang gnyang dream???
[Reply]
Any chance of you starting a revolution on how people think so that we can all get along? Like Jimmy Swaggart, perhaps. Just kidding. Anyway, you already are a blog celebrity. You da man now, dawg.
P.S.
I’ll send you the bill for the kiss-ass comment. Don’t worry, you already have a 20% discount. :mrgreen:
[Reply]
How dare you badmouth my favorite best-selling author? Nobody can sew a long string of lies and get away with it. Nobody you hear?!
I loved The Alchemist the most! His best work evar! Dan Brown rocks! Who? Paolo Coehlo…who’s that?!
[Reply]
ade ur back! i hate hiatus.
sana araw araw na ito. ehehheeheheheh
bagay kang maging celebrity.. dami mag papa autograph sa u pag sakay mo ng bus or MRT.. ahahha
oh di bah… malay mo i libre ka pa sa bus hehe
[Reply]
[Comment ID #1927 Will Be Quoted Here]
Paolo Coehlo wrote Harry Potter. I thought everyone knew that!
[Reply]
You know what, Ade..you could’ve become an internet celebrity IF you did not miss the Round 4 submission at 9Rules. tsk, tsk.
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Hiatus are supposed to be good becuase it gives the author/blogger some time off to rest. Yun nga lang, karamihan sa mga dahilan ng pagkakaroon ng hiatus ay walang oras para makapagblog kasi abala sa trabaho, sex, barkada, sideline, raket at pag-iisip ng paraan para matalo si Chuck Norris. huhekhekhek
[Reply]
puhahahaha!!!!!
I like the “MySpace/Friendster Whore” nakakatawa sya talaga kasi sobrang tama! Hahahah!! I wonder why people have up to 6 accounts para lang mangolekta ng friends na ndi naman talaga nila matawag na friends.
Dapat pang network yun.. kaso nangyare.. ginagawang popularity contest na paramihan nalang ng I have f*cking 50000infinity friends. The hell…?!
[Reply]
may nag-send sakin dati ng message sa friendster. I-add ko daw ang kanyang ika-51 na account.
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haha! the bit about friendster/myspace was a real laughtrip. =)
i wonder what people get from having thousands of pseudo-friends, when all one needs is just a few real ones.. hehe.
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lanya ka ade kala ko seryoso ka na tsk tsk tsk!
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My space whore? *lmao*
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Oooh! I wanna be a part of an emo band. And we’ll make everyone so emo that they’ll be emo enough to buy our emo album. Emo, dude, emo.
[Reply]
Hahaha. Great entry as usual. Cracked me up real good.
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