How to Flunk a Job Interview

June 2nd, 2006 Posted in Featured Post

If you’ve been browsing here for the last week or so, you may have noticed that I haven’t posted as often as I used to. And if I do ever update, the post is total crap. It’s because I resigned from my previous job, and I’ve been busy looking for a new one. Long story short, I had to concentrate on non-retarded stuff for a change.

As you know, with every application comes the thing most dreaded by everyone: the job interview. Why do people get scared of it? I guess people will meet their potential bosses for the first time, and they want to make an awesome first impression that they become so self-conscious, overthink what they will say, and generally clam up and stutter like some two-year old.

Now just how do I know that? Simple: I just made a fool out of myself in a recent job interview. At the final interview, even.

It all started out so perfectly: I breezed through my initial interviews at this one company. I even thought I was awesome. I cracked jokes, and I and the interviewer even laughed a little bit about how gay David Hasselhoff is.

Then the day of the final interview came. I went there totally nervous, with a large painful pimple in the middle of my nose, ants somehow finding their way inside my undershirt and painfully feasting on my skin, and with my mind in shambles. I have no idea why it turned out that way, but it wasn’t one of my smoothest moments:

***

INTERVIEWER: Why did you consider this job? It’s a little far from what you are doing at your old job.

ME: Well, I wanted to expand my horizons.

INTERVIEWER: And just how will you expand your horizons with us?

ME: I… ah… er… redfvgbnfsyadftdsfhn.

INTERVIEWER: What?

ME: OMFGCANTTHINKIAMSODEADLETMEOUTTAHEREPLEEASE. :(

INTERVIEWER: Can you relax for a moment…?

ME: PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE DON’T KICK ME OUT! I NEED THIS JOB! PRETTY PLEAAAASE!

INTERVIEWER: (looks intently at me) …We’re not kicking anyone out. I’m just interviewing you, for crying out loud! Now can you just relax?

ME: (goes into fetal position) I’m relaxing… I’m RELAAAAAAAAXING…

INTERVIEWER: And it would help me greatly if you’d stop sucking your thumb.

ME: Oh yeah. Sorry about that. (wipes thumb on pants)

INTERVIEWER: Ok. What I need is someone who can quickly adjust to the demanding lifestyle of this company. Someone who will not break under intense pressure. Someone who can cope with increasing deadlines. Think you’re up for it?

ME: Yes I am. I thrive under pressure!

INTERVIEWER: Well, from what you’ve shown me so far, it looks like you’re not.

ME: NO!!! I CAN COPE WITH PRESSURE! YES I COULD! YOU’RE LYING! LYING, I TELL YOU!

INTERVIEWER: WHAT?!

ME: I’m sorry about that. I- I had too much coffee today.

INTERVIEWER: Maybe you should stop drinking it then.

ME: Are you crazy? Do you want me to fall asleep and start drooling over your expensive-looking desk?

INTERVIEWER: …

(Then a girl enters the office, leaves a bunch of papers with the interviewer, and leaves)

ME: (jumping at the opportunity to break the ice) Man, that was the ugliest girl I’ve ever seen! Who is she?!

INTERVIEWER: (Stiffening) That’s my daughter.

ME: Your… What? No kidding?

INTERVIEWER: …Yes.

ME: Can we just get on with the punishmen- I mean, interview?

INTERVIEWER: …

ME: Ask me a question. Anything. Please.

INTERVIEWER: To put it bluntly, I am not impressed with you at all. In fact, I think you are a bad fit for this job. However, I will give you another chance if you just answer the next question properly.

ME: Shoot away.

INTERVIEWER: What will you do to make me want you?

ME: I’ll make you want me. I’ll make you want me soooo bad that you won’t be able to sleep at night without me. You’re gonna ache for me. I’ll-

INTERVIEWER: … excuse me…?

ME: I’ll even dance naked in front of you now while singing The Crazy Frog-

INTERVIEWER: STOP IT!

ME: …

INTERVIEWER: …

ME: Make you want me… for the job… not that way…

INTERVIEWER: Yes.

ME: Oh, crap.

*5 minutes of awkward silence follows*

INTERVIEWER: Can you do me a favor? Put your shirt back on. It’s not a pretty sight.

ME: Oh, yes… Sorry… I… I didn’t get the job, did I?

INTERVIEWER: …

ME: This is the part where I leave your office in shame and never return, right?

INTERVIEWER: No.

ME: No…? You mean…?

INTERVIEWER: This is the part where I get you a Restraining Order. Now get the hell out of here.

Technorati Tags: humor, retarded, job interview, Philippines, failure

This entry was posted on Friday, June 2nd, 2006 at 2:07 am and is filed under Featured Post. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.

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32 Comments

Jee said on June 2, 2006:

You should strip and sing Uma-Uma instead, not Crazy Frog

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ade said on June 2, 2006:

[Comment ID #1778 Will Be Quoted Here]

But Crazy Frog is more seductive.

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April Zara said on June 2, 2006:

Hmm, sayang, nag punta na ako sa job interview ko. Would have been nice to try though. Hahahaha, just kidding. =)

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ade said on June 2, 2006:

[Comment ID #1780 Will Be Quoted Here]

You’d dance Crazy Frog?

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Poldo said on June 2, 2006:

Nope, this is still retarded, Ade. :mrgreen:

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ie said on June 2, 2006:

i totally have to agree about the dread that is a job interview. i’ve applied for two totally different jobs, but the same amount of paranoia just shoots into your system when you least want it to.

maybe you should try dancing don romantiko (i’m not sure of the title), the one with ‘hindi mo ‘to matitikman’. ha ha. just kidding. :)

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aaron said on June 2, 2006:

maiahi? maiahoo? maiaha? maiaha-haaa?

dress to impress. dress like hasselhoff!

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jher said on June 2, 2006:

i would like to interview you. i’d appreciate it if you will dance naked in front of me. hahahahahahahah

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eric said on June 2, 2006:

hayyyy

im willing to dance naked to the tune of crazy frog kung si ***bleep bleep ** and interviewer at sabay kaming sasayw!

ahahahahahahaha

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Noelle De Guzman said on June 2, 2006:

[Comment ID #1797 Will Be Quoted Here]
Numa numa iei!

Poor, poor teh Noisy.

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juls said on June 2, 2006:

good one! you should have stretched the interview… now, how about if it was a woman who’s the interviewer, how would it go?

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Jee said on June 2, 2006:

[Comment ID #1779 Will Be Quoted Here]
Crazy frog not seductive enough..you should dance SOS from Rihanna instead.

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jong said on June 2, 2006:

walang reaction. natawa na lang. haha

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jessica said on June 3, 2006:

nakaka-inspire! gagawin ko yan sa school interview ko!

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annabanana said on June 3, 2006:

baliw! :D
heya ade, i hope you are having a good weekend! good luck with your next job interview.

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Euri said on June 3, 2006:

Wait. I don’t need this. I always flunk at job interviews. T_T Seriously. Sa 5 companies that I applied I only got 1. T_T

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Toe said on June 3, 2006:

Ade, you should apply for a job as a sitcom writer. :)

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arvin said on June 3, 2006:

gaaaad! ang hirap mo pala ma-job interview! nyahaha :D

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monmon said on June 3, 2006:

nice… really… nice

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rex said on June 3, 2006:

haha! arvin’s right, ano kaya iniisip nung interviewer mo? haha!

mas aliw nga ang Don Romantiko! :)

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yen said on June 4, 2006:

malala na yan pare…

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Laarni said on June 4, 2006:

GAY! GAY! GAY!

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Robbie said on June 4, 2006:

I would’ve fired him the moment he went into the fetal position….. but then I would miss th rest of the interview like him dancing the crazy Frog song. nyahaha!

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kid said on June 4, 2006:

[Comment ID #1811 Will Be Quoted Here]

tama! good luck with your job interview! hehehe

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Darwin said on June 4, 2006:

Ohhh… so that was the cause of your retardation recently hehehe.
Why did you leave your previous job in the first place anyway?

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rj said on June 5, 2006:

i have to watch out for this in the near future. :D

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Alvin said on June 5, 2006:

Wow! I’m so proud of you… You’ve shown such maturity in your interview! :-)

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greza said on June 8, 2006:

just wanted to share…

(based on a real job interview)

INTERVIEWER: Tell me something about yourself.

APPLICANT: Sorry, I don’t disclose personal information to strangers.

:-D

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comelecAKO said on June 9, 2006:

Man, if you’re serious about getting a job, e-mail me, ayt? It’s not big, and it’s not forever, but it’s something you can really dig.

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Postigo Luna said on June 9, 2006:

hey, what happened to my comment?

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Xtina said on September 29, 2006:

I was just telling my seatmate, I love this guy!

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ade said on September 29, 2006:

[Comment ID #2588 Will Be Quoted Here]

Huh?

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Brokeback Mountain in 15 Minutes

WARNING: REALLY LONG POST. NO KIDDING.

I was going to do an entry about Brokeback Mountain today, but seeing that the Man Blog already beat me to it (yes, I’m bitter), I’m gonna post it some other day.
…
What the hell, here we go.

I went to see Brokeback with my girlfriend. I must say it was well [...]

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