Troubleshooting your Girl: PMS

You and your girl just came back from a wonderful date. You know the drill: nice place, great food, flowers, music (classical music, not crap by Simple Plan), insightful conversation (nothing about sex). Basically a perfect evening.

Now it’s morning. You grab your phone and you call her up. Instead of a sweet and wonderful woman, you hear a scary monster on the other end. She is screaming her lungs out and calling you names. "What did I do?" you ask. You did nothing wrong. Really.

My friend, welcome to the wonderful world of Premenstrual Stress Syndrome, erstwhile known as PMS.

What is it? Wikipedia defines it as "stress which is a physical symptom prior to the onset of menstruation." It’s that time of the month when women experience hormonal imbalance in their body up to the extent that they become totally irritable. It is the harbinger of doom. Next thing you’ll know, blood will gush out of your girl’s flower (icky, I know).

Still can’t follow me? Here’s a more direct explanation: this is the time of month when Jessica Alba turns into Judi Dench.

Ok. I’ll now spare you the gory details of PMS and get on with the dealing with it part.

Tip #1: Women are gonna be violent. Be sensitive.

Yes folks, that is the sad reality of life. Women, due to the painful stuff going on inside their bodies (the details of which would make my male readers cringe) would be overcome with anger and other emotions that would require a great deal of sensitivity from us men. I know, that would mean missing Game 5 of the NBA Finals. But it’s gonna be worth it considering that if you let your girl hate the world there won’t be a television to watch NBA on.

Here is a great example of showing sensitivity, taken from here.

DANGEROUS: What’s for dinner?
SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?
SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?
ULTRASAFE: Here, have some chocolate.

Tip #2: Women need pampering.

There. I said it. As seen from the example above, one of the best ways to pamper your woman is to give her chocolate. Lots of it.

And a backrub. And a foot massage. Be sweet. Don’t ruin it by saying "I’m hungry. When’s dinner?"

You can also say "Honey, my wallet is upstairs. Help yourself." But I won’t advise it, lest you’ll have different variants of chocolate for dinner for the next three months. And your woman’s closet will be unexplainably filled to the very last inch with fur coats, shoes, handbags, and other girly stuff we men don’t even want to touch.

Tip #3: Avoid answering "the question."

Fun Fact: Mr. T is actually a woman with PMS.

When I say "the question," I do not mean "when will you propose?" Bah. The question we men dread is when women ask us "am I getting fatter?" This fear is especially heightened during PMS.

I know the strongest of men (those who have lived through a thousand and one knife battles) sweat bullets and stammer like Porky Pig when
faced with this query. Here is a typical conversation involving "the question":

GIRL: Honey, am I getting fatter?
MAN: erm… uh… w-w-w-ell…
GIRL: What?
MAN: Erm… no.
GIRL: You’re lying! I thought we’d be honest with each other! Why are you lying?
MAN: Ok, you’ve gained a little weight, but you’re still as sexy as ever.
GIRL: I’m fat?
MAN: I said just a little weigh…
GIRL: YOU DON’T LOVE ME ANYMORE!
MAN: …eep.

So just HOW do I answer THE question? Don’t. Pretend to go deaf. Hide like a guerilla. Just don’t friggin’ answer the question!

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So there. This, I hope can help you understand women during those periods called PMS. And if you certainly love your girl, a week of craziness will be something you won’t mind, right? It’s worth it, I tell you.

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technorati tags: relationship, advice, girls, girlfriend, PMS