How to Get a Date on Valentine’s Day

Get your Recommended Daily Dose of Retard.
Subscribe to Noisy, Noisy, Man via RSS or email and help save innocent puppies.

Have you got your Valentine’s Day date yet?

For us who are happily in a relationship, there would be no problem. But for the (miserably) single, do you REALLY have to mope around on the 14th? No way. I wouldn’t let my dear readers (yes, both of you) be lonley and suicidal on the day of lovers.

That’s the spirit, smile! You’ll get a date one of these days!

That bottle of sleeping pills looking good? Worry not, I’m here to lend you advice.

Have you got your prospect yet? Good. Here are my tips to win your special person’s heart:

1. Be sweet. This is a no-brainer. You just have to be sweet to that special someone, and chances are he/she will say yes when you ask him/her out. Show that your prospect is important to you, and give him/her stuff that you wouldn’t usually give, like candies, flowers, cards, your left ear, a dog’s severed head, your spleen, etc. I’m sure your prospect will notice.
2. Leave notes. Ok, this is a part of being sweet, but this has got to be in its own entry. Leave notes everywhere. Put one in his/her bag, post one on the windshield, put one on the desk. Heck, plaster the room with Post-Its. It would even be better if you post it outside for everyone to see. And make sure the notes contain something subtle like “I want to marry you and have kids with you. Now. If you don’t want to, I would grab you from behind and disembowel you in front of everyone.” Then sign it in your own blood. I’m sure he/she’d keep an eye out for you from now on.
3. Be there. How can you be your prospect’s prospect if you’re not visible? So stop stalking him/her inside hiding that garbage can near his/her front door, show yourself! Be there for him/her, especially when he/she most needs it. And I’m not just talking about helping him/her out when he/she is sad, there’s more to that! Helpully hand his/her soap in the shower (surprise him/her, it works).When he/she is shopping for underwear, suggest the one that you most want to see him/her in. Roll your eyes and drool for good measure.
4. Talk. Of course being a good conversationalist is always a plus. Nobody wants a boring date. So talk! Tell him/her anything under the sun! Be interesting, of course. Your stamp collection would only elict a yawn. Tell him/her about the time you won that nose picking contest. Or that collection of his/her nail clippings that you keep under your bed.
5. Listen. Don’t just blabber, listen too! Keep your ears open, you might just pick up a clue or two about what your prospect wants! Maybe he/she wants you to loosen the ropes that you tied him/her to the chair with, or he/she wants to call the police already. Just don’t gag your prospect.You won’t be able to hear what he/she has to say.

That’s it! just follow these tips, and I assure you that you won’t fail to get a restraining order date for the big V-Day! Enjoy!